Tag Archive | Dad

Catch That Fleeting Moment

catchthatfleetingmoment

The other day I was in my car driving, windows open, breeze flowing through my hair.  It was going on sunset.  I was on a country road with wide open fields and the radio on.  Suddenly Me And Julio Down By The Schoolyard began to play on the radio station and a big grin spread across my face.

Why? Because I felt my deceased father dancing with me.  As my rear-end wiggled in the seat, I felt him with me.  In a fleeting moment, I was twelve again dancing with him in our living room as his 8 track tape of Paul Simon played.  In the very real memory, it was winter and as the beginning notes of the song played, he jumped up from our checkers game and began to dance with me.  He spun me around, teaching me dancing moves that I’m sure he made up as we danced.  I was laughing in that fleeting moment of memory.

Tears poured down my face, drying quickly as the memory faded.  I kept on driving, smiling through the tears.  In that moment, I knew he was there.  But just as quickly as the memory of dancing came to me with such a feeling of life and his love for me, it was gone, as swiftly as it came.

When I got home, I found the song again and played it repeatedly a few times hoping that he would return for another dance.  But he didn’t and the tears flowed again.  Grateful that he showed up unbidden, but sad that he is no longer here, I began to write this post – and finally decided to publish it.

Has this ever happened to you?  A fleeting moment of certainty that the presence of a loved one has visited?  Don’t let those moments of synchronicity pass you by dear friends.  Always make sure to catch that fleeting moment for they are few and far between.

I attached the video below.  It’s not exactly how I remember the song, but it does my heart good to hear it again.  I hope it brings back sweet memories for you too!

Shine On!

xo

Advertisements

Where Words Fail

wherewordsfail

Where words fail, music speaks.

~ Hans Christian Anderson

What’s your favorite music to listen to or are you like me and enjoy all different types of music?  I have varied tastes in music from today’s music, to that of my youth, to the music that our parents listened to, to classical piano music, to country, to gospel, to traditional church hymns, all the way to Broadway show-tunes.  The two types of music I haven’t ever really enjoyed are rap and opera, but perhaps they will reveal themselves to me one day.

I find that music soothes me in many different situations as I believe music has a vibration of its own to aid our heartlight through healing, lifting, inspiring, energizing and stilling us in contemplative melancholy to flow throughout our lifetimes.  While I enjoy the sound of silence and of snow falling, I often use music during the day to help me.

I am grateful that I can hear and feel the vibrations in my soul.  I love to explore the feelings I get when I hear different types of music.  Don’t you?  While I am not a good singer, I do enjoy belting out a good song every once in awhile, especially in the car on a long highway when I’m alone.  It just feels good.  Do you know what I mean?

Certain songs can bring me back to special memories and I do feel that when I put my songs on shuffle, I’m given messages through God and the Universe.  For example, when Unforgettable, sung by Natalie Cole and her dad, Nat King Cole comes on, I know that is a message from my Dad to me, as that was the song we danced to at my wedding.  Perhaps it’s simply coincidence or a random synchronicity, but I prefer to believe otherwise.

Do you feel something similar?

Do you have any favorites that you hold dear to heart?  Please share!

Shine On!

xo

This one’s for you Dad….I can never forget you. ♥

Night Bunny

nightbunny.PNG

It’s All Saint’s Day today, along with the famous first of the month, Rabbit, Rabbit, White Rabbit, White Rabbit.  You knew I would remind you, didn’t you?  Quickly, say it if you haven’t already!

It’s also my Dad’s unbirthday (I just made that word up).  Unbirthday because he passed away five years ago, but in my mind, as soon as I hear it’s November 1st, I think of him.  Habit, reflex, nostalgia, and being connected with him even years after his passing makes it a significant day on the calendar for me.  I couldn’t help myself as tears welled up in my eyes this morning thinking of him.  Do you think of loved ones on their unbirthdays even though they have already passed away?

I know the veil is thinner at this time and I am praying for a sign from him.  I don’t know why.  Maybe I want validation that he hears me or that he approves of what I’ve done since he’s been gone.  I guess we never really release that approval piece from a parent or at least I haven’t.  Sad to say I guess, but true.  I want him to be proud of me.  I want him to know that I am trying my best under extraordinary strain at times.  I want him to hug me today even though I know he can’t physically.  I want a sign from him.  Even though I am middle-aged, I think sometimes I feel like a little girl.  Does that make sense?  Do you sometimes feel that way or is it just me?

It’s funny how once you’re middle-aged, we begin to parent our own parents too.  We take care of them as they grow older and are less able to take care of themselves.  I see it all the time with my friends whose parents are still here.  Nobody actually prepares us for the ‘sandwich generation’ piece of life.  We just somehow muddle through it with help from friends and people who have experienced it before us.

But that’s our job.  As the generations before us have done for centuries, we take care of the elder generations.  Parents, family members and such, we are their caretakers as they grow older.  Hopefully we do it with grace and dignity so that we are good role models to our own children, and the younger generations so that they can take care of us as well.

Oh what a tangent I’ve gone off on today.  I’m sorry.  My fingers have just been talking on the keyboard while my cheeks remain tear-stained.

But the other night, I went outside to look at the stars and my little bunny Clover hopped by.  He stayed with me for about 20 minutes before I went back in the house.  He even posed for me sweetly as he is wont to do.  You can see his eyes twinkle in the light of the flash.  He sat nearby and just ate the clover in the grass while I talked with him, pouring my heart out to him.  Isn’t it lovely that we have wildlife who care to listen?

Shine On!

xo

 

All Soul’s Day

soul'sday

Today is All Soul’s Day which comes on the heels of All Saint’s Day and Halloween which is also known as the Day of the Dead.  Having quietly celebrated my Dad’s birthday yesterday 2 years after he passed, I realize the importance of such a day of remembrance.  I was unable to write a fitting post yesterday so I guess today’s is good enough.

Today I ask you to remember those whom have passed in your life.  Those souls who have passed away in death and those who have passed out of your life but who are still living ~ for each soul who touches your life has a story and a gift for you.  It is up to you to see that for yourself, to accept the gift and to acknowledge it.  You also give a gift to those with whom you have connected and it is your choice in what gift you leave behind in your wake.  (yes, wake, pun intended).

I had a stormy relationship with my Dad.  For a long time after his passing, I was unable to think of his presence in my life as a gift.  I turned away from the loving thoughts that would have healed my hurting soul.  Anger, resentment and frustration at choices made, situations experienced and life itself ate me up in my heart.  I tried very hard to forgive and forget but it wasn’t until I was ready to release the massive black hole that I came to accept him as he was, flaws and all.  And in accepting him, I was able to see that I was accepting myself.  Geez if I had only not wasted so much time in turmoil, but then my lesson took longer than I expected.  I’ve learned that lessons come in the right time when we are ready to learn.

We have a life here filled with choices that by our free will, we are divinely guided, when we listen with our hearts.  Please take a moment today to listen to your heart ~ fill up your heart with love, light and hope; warm yourself with Divine Guidance; see the good in all people; trust your soul; bless those in your life (past and present) and accept each soul’s gift with gratitude for the experience and beauty that is present in all presence.

Rest in Peace Dad.

Shine On!

xo

 

 

Watch What You Say!

53261595_

Sometimes the people we love the most are the ones we hurt the most.

Words are so powerful when spoken aloud and when spoken within, don’t you think?  Words said aloud can’t be taken back after they’ve been heard ~ an indelible mark is etched into the mind of the person to whom you are speaking when they are unkind words.  Believe me when I tell you that I’ve seen it, I’ve experienced it and sadly, I have also done it.

Growing up, my Dad said words that I know he regretted a lot.  I’m not talking about cursing (although he did that too), but rather, hurtful, stinging words of failure which poked right through to my soul and to my self-esteem.  He meant them in the heat of the moment; he said whatever came to his brain at the time in order to add more blunt force to his already powerful voice and his harsh words tore at my heart just the same.

I’m telling you this because I think many people speak without thinking of the impact their words have on the intended listener.  It’s hard to step back before throwing a verbal punch sometimes, but I can attest that it is well-worth it because you can’t take back those words once they are said.  Like the smell of a skunk, their stench lingers in the air, poisoning even the most kindhearted listener.

It’s taken me a long time to erase those bruises from my self-esteem and I will confess to you that the little girl whose Dad called her a failure in 4th grade because she didn’t have straight 100’s in school, still feels ashamed even though it’s more than 30 years ago.  In my head, his words still chatter, shredding my self-confidence at the most inconvenient of times even today.  It’s interesting to me as my Mom and I had a conversation recently about him and she told me how proud he was of me which I never really heard from him, although I’ve heard plenty of times from his friends now since he’s passed.

Failure in 4th grade (by the way I was an A student, but not 100’s every time) is just one example of a litany of weekly put-downs.  He would get a laugh from everyone around him when he called me an airhead starting when I was in high school, especially when friends came to our home.  He’d reach up and grab my left ear and pull and make a hissing sound ~ telling everyone that he let the air out of my head!  He berated me to get a laugh and it broke my heart every single time.  He put me down in order to raise himself up.

I loved my Dad, but I didn’t like him for many reasons.  As I got older, I was blessed to have others who held me with their warmth and loving ways, who nurtured my strengths and helped me to rebuild my mangled self-esteem.  MIL even told my Dad that I was ‘perfect’ which to me was such a priceless gift!  It still tears me up to this day to think that someone thinks I am perfect even in all my imperfect ways.  My Dad laughed and told her that I had her fooled, but through her eyes, I learned to feel good enough and most importantly loved.

My Dad loved me, this I know for sure.  He came from an abusive family and he allowed his lack of self-control to rule his life.  He often said, “You hurt the ones you love the most,” which is the card above ~ and I used to say, “then don’t love me.”

That cycle, that vicious cycle of mental, emotional cruelty stopped with me.  I try very hard to stay positive with my sons and to not berate them.  I don’t give them false information, but I try to look to the bright side.  I am blessed as my MIL taught me that, she nurtured it in me and since I’ve known her for more than 24 years,  I’ve been able to watch my role model mother me along with her grandchildren and it’s been a priceless blessing in my life.

So please, watch your words!

Speak with Love!

Shine On!

xo

All Grown Up!

40343_

I never thought I’d be grown up.  There’s a 16 year old girl deep inside me who peeks out occasionally to do something I Love Lucy-ish and she is like a talisman to me that I haven’t lost my youth even though now I’m a mother of 2 teenage sons!  Technically I’ve been a grown up and a Mom for a long time, but honestly, I don’t think I felt like a true grown up until my Dad died.

Mom and I were talking about Dad as we often do and as we got off the phone last night, my Mom told me how proud she was of me and how proud Dad would be of me as I’ve taken over everything since he passed.  Her compliment hit a tender spot in me and when I got off of the phone, I began crying a bit.  It was as if a flood of grief emerged and swirled within me, finally being able to be released.  It meant so very much to me to hear her words as I am trying very hard to keep it together all the time, to be the strong one of the family and to keep everything organized all the time, all the while, dealing with my own family, my business which has been left by the wayside as I deal with the problem du jour and continue to attend to my parents’ financial affairs.  I’ve had to step in and become the matriarch ~ a job I never dreamed I’d need to fulfill.  I explained to Mom how Dad had ‘trained me’ (his words which I disliked) in his office.  At age 11, I began working in his law practice and earning a paycheck.  There I was taught to think like him, to be lawyer-ish and to cover all the bases when dealing in business.  I had always abhorred when my Mom and sister had called me, “Little Al” in reference to my Dad, but now I am happy that he taught me all that he did for this new chapter is my life would have been much more difficult if he hadn’t guided me at such a young age.

Even though I’m now adjusting to being a real grown up, there’s still this little Lucy inside who just won’t rest ~ and I’m not letting her go!  But this post, I’m dedicating to my Dad ~ Rest in Peace Dad ~ I’ve got it ~ remember, you taught me!

Hug your loved ones today!

Shine On!

xo

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/03/06/daily-prompt-grown/

Daily Prompt: All Grown Up

When was the first time you really felt like a grown up (if ever)?

Life After Death?

13904_

They that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it.

Death cannot kill what never dies. – William Penn

Well, we made it through our first Christmas without Dad.  In case you didn’t know, my Dad passed away 6 months ago so we’ve been dealing with many firsts in the last few months, my parents’ first anniversary and his first birthday (is there such a thing to celebrate when he’s not here?), the first Halloween, Thanksgiving and now Christmas.  In the near future looms New Year’s Eve and my Mom’s birthday.  According to helpful friends, the year of firsts without Dad are the hardest which I imagine is true having been through a bunch so far…but it is supposed to get easier with time which is a relief.

I awoke this morning pondering life after death and thought I’d ask you ~  my blogging community ~  to help me again navigate these muddy waters.  Many of you have special gifts that you’ve shared with me so I figure if anyone can help, it would be you.  I”m too close to see the forest for the trees so I’d like to rely on you.

Do you believe in life after death?  Do you believe you can come back to be with your loved ones even for a little bit?  Do you believe that spirits can rattle windows or become squawking birds?  How about hovering around the house and moving objects in a mischievous manner?  Can they enter our dreams to show us that they are happy?  Do they possess the ability to play with electricity?  Can they leave us signs?  Can they turn into cardinals or butterflies to show us they are nearby?

In case you weren’t able to guess, the above happened to our family ~ although I am a bit skeptical since not all of the above were experienced by me.  But to my Mom, they are definite signs of Dad.  In fact, she knows that he’s been back to visit her, to let her know that he’s still around watching over her.

I’d love to hear your experiences if you have had any and if you’d share with me.  Because I think that especially around the holidays, the empty chair of a loved one who has  passed is most felt now.  We tried to make it easier for my Mom by changing it up this year and my sister AAngel hostessed Christmas Day so that we wouldn’t have the memory of Dad’s empty chair.  For the most part, I think it worked well ~  she subtly lit a white candle on her table for him which I thought was most caring.

Have you experienced any after death visits?

Do you believe in the ability for loved ones to come back to visit?

Do you have any suggestions on how to get through the rest of the year of firsts?

Any and all suggestions, stories and experiences are appreciated!

Shine On!

xo

I found a few blogs who had a bit to say on the subject as well ~ I thought you might like to check them out too!

http://rickalonzophoto.wordpress.com/2012/12/22/life-after-death/

http://sarahsana.wordpress.com/2012/12/21/the-two-hearted-woman-in-love-with-an-itsy-bitsy-spider-man/

http://sharingacrosstheveil.wordpress.com/2012/12/19/from-tamara/

http://globalsearchfortruth.com/2012/12/17/is-there-life-after-death/

http://theowlsmoonsoulsupport.wordpress.com/2012/12/12/spiritual-mainframe-qa-2/