Tag Archive | relationships

Letting Go of Approval

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Fear drives us to seek approval.  Many times we say and do what we feel is right and in the back of our minds, we also think of what actions will be approved.  It’s not a good way to be, but it happens in life.  What we need to do is to keep in mind that when we are doing what is right for ourselves, it is not for others to judge, criticize nor approve.  It is for us to stand firm in our convictions and to find peace within to lay our heads on our pillows every night, knowing that we are not hurting others intentionally, but we are doing what we feel is right for ourselves.

It’s not easy to live with a scapegoat mentality no matter how strong our soul is.  It wears on the soul, the mind and the body and the pain crops up in different ways.  Those of us who innately have a high pain tolerance continue to plow through the pain, all the while, not realizing that it is our own selves who are inflicting the discomfort in our battle to seek approval and to worry about how others judge our actions and inactions.  It’s a hard line to walk for sure.  To walk in our truth, without minding the what if’s, is harder than the pain of limitations that we set for ourselves in our own minds.  However, once we can get past the hurdle and actually begin to walk in our own truth, allowing others to feel and judge at will, it gets easier.

I have spent a lifetime doing for others and seeking approval.  Being the ‘good girl’ in the family began that journey and that role assigned to me, did more damage than good.  I willingly embraced it for the love that was given to me, was often taken when the giver believed I wasn’t doing what they wanted.  I succumbed to that way of thinking for many years.  Even when the giver who did love me passed, the feeling stayed and I transferred it to others.  I was held captive by my own beliefs.  I needed to be seen, heard and loved as the ‘good girl’ and the one who was responsible.  I relished the role.  But it has been my downfall.

I allowed myself to be bullied by others in subtle and not so subtle ways in order to keep peace in my life, or what on the outside, I believed to be peace.  Instead of standing up and saying that I am not lacking, I rolled over like a submissive dog, begging approval and apologizing for my faults which were deemed by others.  What I felt was strength in keeping peace, was seen as weakness and an opportunity to control me and I succumbed to the farce.  The pain I have endured is immeasurable, the toll it has taken on my psyche is clear to me and it saddens me.  It has weakened me up until now.

I am taking control again.  Albeit slowly, I am seeking the freedom to say ‘no’ and to allow others to fester in their disapproval.  It is not an easy decision, but one that I must make for myself.  I have been sick.  I have endured cancer.  I have run around my whole life trying to make everyone else happy and forgotten my own self.  I have not babied myself nor comforted me.  I have spent a lifetime caring for others, making their needs count before my own and completely living for their demands.  It is my own fault.  I am not playing victim here.  I am simply stating the truth.  I allowed it.  I see that now.  I let others make decisions about my life and I thought I was doing good by keeping the peace and going along with the flow.  I never stood up and asked, ‘why?’  I was too afraid to anger them for I had seen the reprisals before and I feared in my heart what they could do to me.

I watched as others gave and took love according to their control of me.  When I was ‘playing nice’ as they demanded, I was loved.  When I was hurt or not being the person whom they deemed me to be, the love stopped right there, only to be taken back into the loving energy when I was being ‘good’ again.  Because of my childhood, I thought that was the way loved ones were supposed to act.  Now as a parent, I can’t imagine doing that to my children nor to anyone else for that matter.  Love is not a costume that we put on or take off at will.  Loving someone in the true sense of love, is accepting them for who they are and not judging all the time.  I love my sons when they are being ‘good’ and when they are not.  I love them for who they are down deep and I love them with my whole heart and they know it.  It is the one great thing I’ve done in my life.  To truly love another human being, to accept them, faults and all, and to continue to love them even when they make mistakes, even when they speak their mind, even when they dare to challenge us to think outside our own limits is what love is all about ~ to forgive and truly forget is a gift we give the ones we love.

We are not here to judge others.  What you do and what I do is separate.  We can work in unison for a common cause, we can unite in love or we can separate in a non-loving way.  What I ache for now, is peace in my life.  I do not want to walk on a rocky road, worrying that a misstep will cause love to be taken from me.  For once love is taken and then returned at will, at your will, it is not love.  It is approval for which I do not seek.

I am a good person.  I try hard to be peaceful, kind and loving.  I try to spread sunshine and I do my best to live a good life.  I know this for sure for I can lay my head on my pillow every night and sleep.  Do I toss and turn sometimes?  Absolutely.  Have I made mistakes which I regret?  Yup.  Am I going to continue to berate myself over things that I have said and done and apologize to others continuously in order to be forgiven and pray for their approval?  No, dearest ones, not anymore.

It’s not to say that I don’t love the people in my life.  It’s that I’m finding that the authentic me who has been berated one too many times, is being freed, here and now.  This girl whom was made to feel that she had to be good, to seek approval and to not make mistakes may make mistakes as she follows her heart, but they are her mistakes and not ones that were made intentionally.  I am tired of the backlash from my mistakes and the judgments, the silent treatments and the cold love that was given and taken at will.

I wish we could all speak plainly, explain and be heard.  I wish love softened hearts instead of making them walled up and judgmental.  Live your own life, to the best of your ability.  Be loving in all that you do.  Speak your truth with kindness and understanding.  Hold fast in the knowledge that you are one of God’s children, deemed perfect, whole and complete.  Allow no one to break your peaceful, loving heart by words or actions.  Allow others to be, to say, and to do what they wish without reprisal.

When you think about it, we are all just walking each other home.  Why not make the trip with a loving connection, holding hands and hearts as we journey together on this path?  Here’s my hand…

Shine On!

xo

Love Is… 1 Corinthians 13:1-8

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“If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing.  If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

“Love is patient and kind.  Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.  It does not demand its own way.  It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.  It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.  Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

“Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless.  But love will last forever!”

~ 1 Corinthians 13:1-8

I thought this was a lovely reminder on a blessed Sunday.  May love and healing light fill your hearts, minds, souls and bodies each and every day.  May you continue to shine your heartlights and be grateful for the love surrounding us all in each and every moment!

Shine On!

xo

 

Another Lesson From The Little Prince

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“The most beautiful things

in the world cannot be

seen or touched,

they are felt with the heart.”

~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

You may have heard this quote before and not known that it was part of The Little Prince.  It has become one of those inspirational messages that we use when we speak of love.

For what is love?

Is it the entwining of souls through respect, admiration, taming and fidelity?  Or is it the soul to soul connection we receive when we love with our whole hearts?  Is it the bond of family that just is because we are family?  Is it a mother’s innate bonding with her child that is born from her body or for the child who is chosen through her heart?  Or is it the friendships that we forge throughout our lifetimes through similar experiences?  Is it the caring for or from a stranger in crisis?  Or is it God’s love for all of his children who are perfect, whole and complete just as they are?  Is it the heart’s understanding of the preciousness of this moment in time with another person or animal or nature?  Or is it just the complete feeling of bliss when we are grateful for the presents of presence?

What is love to you?  Please share!

Shine On!

xo

 

 

Radiate and Shine On!

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I always end my posts with Shine On!  I don’t know why, but it began awhile back.  For some reason, the phrase Shine On brings me a plethora of emotion.  It’s like a farewell, till we connect again, and a gentle reminder to continue radiating love and light into the world.  Keep shining your special, unique self and sparkle so the world is brighter because of you.  Shine your heartlight brightly dear friends!  Our souls connect in the light of hope, love and prosperity.  Darkness cannot survive in the light.

Kindness, caring, compassion and understanding are key.  When we are patient with ourselves and with all of those around us, our heartlights beat at a higher vibration, thus radiating more sparkling light – we, in fact, shine on ourselves and our beautiful world bringing more peace and healing.

I am ever grateful for the loving, healing connections I’ve made through blogging and I am ever grateful and appreciative of each and every one of you.  Your heartlights brighten my world.  Our connections help to heal and to spread love.

Our world needs more light, love and healing.  Please take a moment today to…

Shine On!

xo

via Daily Prompt: Radiate

Desiderata

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Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

Rose

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Every flower is a soul blossoming in nature.

~ Gerard De Nerval

I adore flowers and all that is found in nature.  But especially flowers and trees.  There is something so magical about them and their fragrance and ease in which they blossom captivates my heart.

The little prince speaks of his rose in the book, The Little Prince. 

“People where you live,” the little prince said, “grow five thousand roses in one garden… yet they don’t find what they’re looking for…

They don’t find it,” I answered.

And yet what they’re looking for could be found in a single rose, or a little water…”

Of course,” I answered.

And the little prince added, “But eyes are blind. You have to look with the heart.”

-Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

To look with one’s heart is to see with the eyes of love and compassion.  When we choose to look with only our eyes, at only the surface of any relationship or situation, we are blind.  Blinded by reasons that don’t matter, by superficiality, by greed, by ego and perhaps even by dark emotions.

We all have a knowing inside, call it what you will – intuition, soul, self, innateness, whatever word you choose, but we know that in using our gifts, we connect with others and together we bring more love and light to our planet.  One by one we emerge from the cocoon of ego reasoning to brighten the lives of the other roses whom we touch soul to soul, heart to heart, mind to mind.  It is in making those connections that we find the beauty in the tender rose.

I wish you love and light as always.  I pray you to see with your heart, shine your heartlight and know that you are love.  Let your soul blossom and shower your loving presence into the world.  Feel the gift of loving connections from all of us to all of you.

Shine On!

xo

Le Petit Prince ~ What does that mean – Tame?

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The Little Prince

By  Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Dear friends, have you read this book?  I just finished it for the first time and I find it fascinatingly chock full of mini life lessons.  Although I’m not altogether sure I understand everything the author is trying to relay to us as grown-ups, there were passages which I found to be worthy of further thought.  I would love to hear your thoughts on the book if you have read it so that I can learn from your experience.

For example, on relationships:

“I am looking for friends. What does that mean — tame?”

“It is an act too often neglected,” said the fox. “It means to establish ties.”

“To establish ties?”

“Just that,” said the fox. “To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world….”

and…

“So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near–

“Ah,” said the fox, “I shall cry.”

“It is your own fault,” said the little prince. “I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you . . .”

“Yes, that is so,” said the fox.

“But now you are going to cry!” said the little prince.

“Yes, that is so,” said the fox.

“Then it has done you no good at all!”

“It has done me good,” said the fox, “because of the color of the wheat fields.”

and…

“You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.”

and..

“One runs the risk of weeping a little, if one lets himself be tamed.”

and…

“I remembered the fox. One runs the risk of crying a bit if one allows oneself to be tamed.”

As in yesterday’s post about love, I guess I am running on a theme these past few days.  There are those who swear off closeness with others when they’ve been hurt.  They are reminded all too often that even though there is a precious gift in connecting with someone, taming, as in this story, there is weeping when ‘one lets himself be tamed’ as well.  We allow our souls to connect for a time and when/if they become dislodged and disconnected, we weep for the hurt.  It happens often in many different types of relationships, as you may understand from personal experience.  It needn’t be a love relationship such as a marriage or dating, although that is hard when it ends.  There can be other types of separations, disconnections, that can be just as heartbreaking.  Friendships and family relationships can grow apart or even break altogether, having served the life duration of the relationship and still, there is that bit of crying when the ties are severed.  It’s a part of relationships sometimes, that they have a time limit, a life cycle so to speak.  We grow together, tame each other by feeling that special closeness and then, through experiences, we separate and move on.  Sometimes neither person wants to do this, but perhaps circumstances are not in our favor.

I welcome the weeping at the end, for it means that the relationship was special, unique and one that I shan’t forget.  Like the fox who is reminded of The Little Prince when he sees the golden wheat, I know in my heart, that it has done me good.

How about you?

Shine On!

xo