Being Strong Is Hard

*Warning, reader discretion is advised.

My heart is breaking.  I just want to sob and be held by someone who cares.  I want to cry freely without worry and be comforted by someone who doesn’t need for me to be strong for them.  It can’t be fixed what I’m enduring.  I don’t want you to fix it.  I just want to be protected for a few minutes, be held and loved for who I am and to be comforted and not have to comfort someone else for awhile.  Is it too much to ask?

Tears fall, unbidden so much these days.  I’m not a really pretty crier either which doesn’t help.  I’m the gal who gets a red nose and blubbery.  You know that type that doesn’t cry often, but when she does, it comes from the depths of her solar plexus in big heaps of sadness?  That’s me.

Although I’ve been known to get quietly teary on occasion at a movie, at a tender moment, when the beauty of life hits me in a certain way or when I look at my once vibrant Mama and know that there’s a little vacancy now behind the eyes that she’s trying desperately to hide and I’m trying so hard to not see.

Life’s just not easy these days.  I miss so much that’s not mine.  I need a friend to lean on and I’m really alone.  It’s hard to take on all of this by myself even though I have help.  It’s frustrating, heart-breaking and I feel like I’m in solitary confinement with the weight of the world on me.  I’m just so darn sad and alone.

I hate this.  I hate feeling so alone.  I dislike feeling like I need someone to hold me because I know there’s nobody.  On one hand, I know I’ve got it.  I can do this.  I’ve had to deal with more than this instance.  On the other, I’m tired of cleaning up everyone else’s messes and I’m frustrated with their ability to just hand over everything to me as if I will always pick up the pieces to make it right for everyone else.

Sure, I can find peace within myself and peace within the stillness.  But I want to be coddled for a few minutes.  Rock me Mama in that rocking chair.  Make it all go away for a few minutes please.  I wish you could do that again for me, be my Mama…and let me be a little girl if only for a few minutes…it would be so nice…take away the boo boo, kiss me, snuggle me and remind me that you are powerful and that I am protected.  Pretty please?

Shine On!

xo

 

Going With the Flow

With Alzheimer’s and Dementia, we’ve learned to go with the flow.  No sense in trying to forget that we aren’t really in control anymore.  Like the river above, many times we are flowing in the thick of the white water, dotted with boulders which stop our flow and cause us to swirl around certain subjects, over and over as we get caught up in that way of thinking.  And then snap!  We are freed again to continue on our way until the next one snags us.

But like the river, our days keep moving.   There’s nothing like a little nap to refresh Mom’s tired brain after a long day.  It suits us both when she goes into her room to lay down for awhile.  To be honest, I think we both need a break from each other.  The silence that ensues for a precious bit of time does us both good.

I know the disease is talking sometimes and it’s not really her.  I am sure that may sound strange to you, but there are times that the words that come out of her mouth are so foreign to the Mom I know and love that I know it’s simply the disease talking.  I sometimes refer to it as Mr. Hyde for those words can be hurtful and never would she ever intentionally hurt us.  She is always a kind, gentle, Southern Lady first and foremost.

I’ve learned to redirect as much as I can when the going gets tough.  Lucky for me, I have 2 cats who have a 6th sense to appear and helpfully distract us when we get too stuck on a sticky subject boulder.  Their antics never fail to bring a smile to her face and to allow her mind to let go of her thoughts and concentrate on the giggles they always bring us.  In addition, my kids are very intuitive and find little ways to redirect as well when I’ve run low in my bag of subject changeable tricks.

All in all, we are in this together I keep reminding her.  Sissy, Mom and me ~ the three musketeers ~ all for one and one for all!  That’s what life is all about ~ love, laughter and connecting with each other!

Shine On!

xo

 

Mom Talks About Living With Alzheimer’s

During times of lucidity, Mom and I talk about what’s going on and how she is feeling.  She expresses herself very well during these conversations and what she explains to me breaks my heart.  I can’t imagine how difficult it is to be cognizant that your mind is not working as it should and have little control over it.  Instead it controls you with an iron fist.  Below are some excerpts of what she’s told me.

“I know I am losing my mind.  That’s the frightening part.  I think if I could just lose it completely, it wouldn’t hurt as badly because then I simply wouldn’t be aware at times like these that I am not thinking the way I should, or the way I want to these days.  I know it’s easier for M because she’s turned that corner.  She’s happy where she is.  She’s not wishing that things were different.  She’s at peace.  I want to be at peace.  But I know that when I am at peace, I won’t really be in my brain anymore.

It’s difficult.  Words don’t come out right.  Sometimes I can’t remember what I’m going to say or remember a word that I’ve known for years.  I get easily frustrated.  I do dumb things.  I am as nervous as a cat all the time.  Afraid of making a mistake so that you know that my mind isn’t working.  I try really hard to make sure that I don’t say dumb things and sometimes when I see your face, I know I’ve said something dumb but for the life of me, I have no idea what I just said or did.  But I feel badly that I messed up.

It’s scary because my mind controls me.  I live in fear.  I live in the past.  I can remember my Daddy and my childhood better than I can remember yours.  It saddens me because I know I loved your Dad, but I can’t remember what he looks like anymore or how he was.  How can that part of my life just feel like it was erased?

Honestly, sometimes I think you are my sister or my mom.  I know that sounds crazy but because you take care of me, I think you are someone else and not my daughter.  I know this is a huge burden to you to care for me and I never wanted to be anyone’s burden, especially my child’s.  I just long to stay in my bed and sleep.

I try to do crossword puzzles and word finds to keep my brain functioning, but I can’t remember the answers so I have to look them up every time.  It’s exhausting and frustrating.  It’s like the word is on the tip of my tongue but I can’t reach it.  Sometimes later the word comes to me, unbidden and sometimes it never does.

My brain feels like it is full of twists and turns and I never know how to get out of the labyrinth.  I’m stuck in a maze and can’t find a way out.  I keep trying.  It just doesn’t happen.  How did I get here?  I look around and I am sad.  Sometimes I don’t even try and I just give up.  That’s when I go to bed because there I feel safe.  I just lay there and look at the ceiling and try to figure out how I got here.  Lord Help Me!

I can’t hear very well either.  I never realized it before but now I know that sometimes I’m not listening when people talk with me so I have no idea how to respond.  So if they are smiling, I smile.  I’m a good mimic.  When we watch a tv show or movies, I can’t really focus.  I need the tv louder so I can hear the voices and follow what they say.  My vision is a bit blurry too even though I had that surgery whatever it’s called to fix my eyes.

It’s like I can’t focus for long.  Too much background noise in my head, too many weird thoughts that blur everything.  I get off track quickly and easily and it’s getting harder to get on track again because that train has taken off! (giggle)  Then I can’t pick up from where we left off in our conversation or in the movie or the book because I have no earthly idea where I was.

I get lost sometimes so I only want to be in my home where I know where things are.  I don’t like to eat by myself.  I don’t remember what foods are so that’s why I want whatever you are ordering.  I’m afraid to make a decision because I just don’t know, I just don’t remember if I like that food.

I know my tastebuds have changed too.  I need more salt on everything so I can taste it.  I love sweets but then you already knew that.  Daddy had a store with candy and we grew up on candy all the time.  I get full pretty fast.  My stomach is always gurgling.  You keep telling me that it’s because I don’t eat, but I’m already full before we began.

I’m not trying to be difficult like a toddler.  I am doing the best I can with whatever I have at that moment.  I feel guilty that I’m frustrating everyone around me so I’d rather be left alone so that I’m not a burden and I don’t have to feel badly that I am putting everyone through this.  But I know I can’t take care of myself anymore and it makes me angry that I can’t.

I look in the mirror sometimes and I can’t believe that’s me.  When did I get so old and wrinkly?  I know how old I am but golly, in my head I still think I look like a young girl.  It’s just scary to be me.  I’m frightened all the time but every once in awhile I get to laugh.  I love hugs.  I love to share songs with you.  I’m just grateful when your kids come in to say hello and hug me.  I want to give back to you but I have nothing to give except my love.

I tell you I love you all the time because I don’t want you to forget it.  And I don’t want to forget you.  So bear with me.  Thanks for being here with me.  I love you.  I love you always and forever.”

Shine On!

xo

Every precious morning

I’m a wake up happy type of gal.  I like mornings ~ the newness of the day, accompanied by a fresh cup of coffee.  I like tranquility, when the house is peaceful, all are safe and dreaming in their beds and just Tiffy Cat and I are stirring.  It used to be the girls and I were awake at this time (Chessie & Tiffy) but since Chessie Cat passed a month ago yesterday, pawprints-in-my-heart  it’s just been the 2 of us.  We relax in the morning, look out the windows at the backyard to admire the squirrels and bunnies and just take a moment to breathe before the hubbub of the day begins.

Because in a flash, the boys will be downstairs and the rush of school, work etc will begin.

But in those precious moments, I fill myself up, storing peace and tranquility for the day ahead.  I begin the day with gratitude that I am blessed because I am here to see another day.  I send up a prayer that my day will be good, that I can do good wherever I’m needed.  I take a few moments of fur therapy, petting Tiffy as we both enjoy the morning.  It’s our time and I think she understands.

Do you take a few moments for yourself during your busy day?  I highly recommend it as it centers my soul in the most unusual way.

I’m not a nature type of gal ~ you wouldn’t find me voluntarily camping ever, but I love watching nature from my window.  I love walking with my elder son to the corner for the school bus pickup every morning.  I enjoy the quiet of the morning outside before the world stirs.  We walk together arm in arm many days to keep warm ~ but sometimes, just in that mom/son comforting way.  We chat about the day ahead, planning sports schedules, tests for the week and what’s for dinner that night.  Other times, we just enjoy the quiet of the morning.

Our neighborhood boasts deer, wildlife and trees.  So in the mornings, there’s a peacefulness in the air, it’s like that last intake of breath just before busy begins.  Since Spring has sprung, we’ve been noticing the buds on the trees, flowers sprouting and the colors of the sky.  The picture above is from his phone last week.  I’m a big sky watcher, but it was he who noticed the cloud formation and pointed it out to me.  He snapped the shot from his phone and texted it to me (isn’t technology grand?) while I marveled by his side how blessed I am to have such an amazing son.

We started this routine when he began high school since he leaves so early in the mornings.  I think he likes the company while he waits for the bus and me, I’m just grateful that we get a few moments together that are ours.  As I walk back to the house, smiling to myself, I turn my attention to my younger son as he gets ready for school.  Time flies by so quickly.  These are the precious moments that I won’t forget ~ because it’s the little things that mean so much.

May your day be blessed.

Shine On!

xo

Watch What You Say!

Sometimes the people we love the most are the ones we hurt the most.

Words are so powerful when spoken aloud and when spoken within, don’t you think?  Words said aloud can’t be taken back after they’ve been heard ~ an indelible mark is etched into the mind of the person to whom you are speaking when they are unkind words.  Believe me when I tell you that I’ve seen it, I’ve experienced it and sadly, I have also done it.

Growing up, my Dad said words that I know he regretted a lot.  I’m not talking about cursing (although he did that too), but rather, hurtful, stinging words of failure which poked right through to my soul and to my self-esteem.  He meant them in the heat of the moment; he said whatever came to his brain at the time in order to add more blunt force to his already powerful voice and his harsh words tore at my heart just the same.

I’m telling you this because I think many people speak without thinking of the impact their words have on the intended listener.  It’s hard to step back before throwing a verbal punch sometimes, but I can attest that it is well-worth it because you can’t take back those words once they are said.  Like the smell of a skunk, their stench lingers in the air, poisoning even the most kindhearted listener.

It’s taken me a long time to erase those bruises from my self-esteem and I will confess to you that the little girl whose Dad called her a failure in 4th grade because she didn’t have straight 100’s in school, still feels ashamed even though it’s more than 30 years ago.  In my head, his words still chatter, shredding my self-confidence at the most inconvenient of times even today.  It’s interesting to me as my Mom and I had a conversation recently about him and she told me how proud he was of me which I never really heard from him, although I’ve heard plenty of times from his friends now since he’s passed.

Failure in 4th grade (by the way I was an A student, but not 100’s every time) is just one example of a litany of weekly put-downs.  He would get a laugh from everyone around him when he called me an airhead starting when I was in high school, especially when friends came to our home.  He’d reach up and grab my left ear and pull and make a hissing sound ~ telling everyone that he let the air out of my head!  He berated me to get a laugh and it broke my heart every single time.  He put me down in order to raise himself up.

I loved my Dad, but I didn’t like him for many reasons.  As I got older, I was blessed to have others who held me with their warmth and loving ways, who nurtured my strengths and helped me to rebuild my mangled self-esteem.  MIL even told my Dad that I was ‘perfect’ which to me was such a priceless gift!  It still tears me up to this day to think that someone thinks I am perfect even in all my imperfect ways.  My Dad laughed and told her that I had her fooled, but through her eyes, I learned to feel good enough and most importantly loved.

My Dad loved me, this I know for sure.  He came from an abusive family and he allowed his lack of self-control to rule his life.  He often said, “You hurt the ones you love the most,” which is the card above ~ and I used to say, “then don’t love me.”

That cycle, that vicious cycle of mental, emotional cruelty stopped with me.  I try very hard to stay positive with my sons and to not berate them.  I don’t give them false information, but I try to look to the bright side.  I am blessed as my MIL taught me that, she nurtured it in me and since I’ve known her for more than 24 years,  I’ve been able to watch my role model mother me along with her grandchildren and it’s been a priceless blessing in my life.

So please, watch your words!

Speak with Love!

Shine On!

xo

The Little Soul and the Sun

The Little Soul and the Sun:  A Children’s Parable Adapted from Conversations With God

By Neale Donald Walsch

I love sharing with you and today I wanted to share the special book above which my friend MoJo at Momentum of Joy! recently suggested that I should read because it was such a great little book!  So, I simply hopped on my trusty kindle, the one I gifted myself this year after reading Sharechair’s all-things-kindle  many posts about this wonderful machine!   Within minutes and after a small credit card charge, I had downloaded the book and was ready to read it.  Truly, I love the ease of technology!  We are so blessed, aren’t we?  I could have waited 2 days to receive the book by mail, but I felt that pull to enjoy it today and I am so grateful that I listened to myself!

It’s a children’s book, but it’s also very adult-friendly and as I began to read it and understand it, tears began trickling down my cheeks as I felt my soul start to be soothed in a way I had never before felt.  It was like an avalanche of understanding that had welled up inside of me, burst through the dam that I had erected around my heart and I felt loved.

I know I’m probably not making sense again ~I guess it’s like when I recently said I feel delicious from my post The Shift to Feeling Delicious but I want you to know that this was again ~ a shift, a changing book and I wanted you to be aware of it if you weren’t already.  Do you know Neale Donald Walsch?  Have you heard of him?  He sends daily emails which are inspiring to your inbox when you get on his list.  He also has a few more books out that you can read as well.

You see, with my dad gone, it’s been a bit rocky trying to wrap up his affairs and business while mourning him ~ and having so much left unsaid.  Surely there are others out there reading my blog who may have had this same experience ~ not being able to understand parts of a parent or loved one who’s passed and wanting to ask so many questions?  I am sure I am not the only one, am I?

Anyway, my relationship with my dad was messy and I’ve often wondered, pondered, asked out-loud to the air, why he acted the way he did with me ~ why he treated me the way he did and hundreds of other inquiries that I had.  My mom has repeatedly said that he loved me, but there are moments where I seriously doubt that he could have loved someone and still acted the way he did.  His favorite saying was “You hurt the ones you love the most” ~ to which I would always reply in my head, “Then don’t love me.”  It was a true conundrum to me…until now.

I won’t give away this book as I think it may read differently to each person who reads it, but I want you to know that I get it now.  I understand and I am so grateful for my dear MJAngel and for her wise suggestion.

So if you’re interested in getting your own copy for yourself, your children or your grandchildren, click The Little Soul and the Sun: A Children’s Parable Adapted from Conversations With God.  I truly think that whether you get the hardcover book or you get the kindle version, you will be changed by this book ~ in such an amazing way.

I look forward to hearing from you!

Do you know about Neale?

Have you read his books before?

Please share with me!

Shine On Little Souls in the Sun!

xo