I never thought I’d be grown up. There’s a 16 year old girl deep inside me who peeks out occasionally to do something I Love Lucy-ish and she is like a talisman to me that I haven’t lost my youth even though now I’m a mother of 2 teenage sons! Technically I’ve been a grown up and a Mom for a long time, but honestly, I don’t think I felt like a true grown up until my Dad died.
Mom and I were talking about Dad as we often do and as we got off the phone last night, my Mom told me how proud she was of me and how proud Dad would be of me as I’ve taken over everything since he passed. Her compliment hit a tender spot in me and when I got off of the phone, I began crying a bit. It was as if a flood of grief emerged and swirled within me, finally being able to be released. It meant so very much to me to hear her words as I am trying very hard to keep it together all the time, to be the strong one of the family and to keep everything organized all the time, all the while, dealing with my own family, my business which has been left by the wayside as I deal with the problem du jour and continue to attend to my parents’ financial affairs. I’ve had to step in and become the matriarch ~ a job I never dreamed I’d need to fulfill. I explained to Mom how Dad had ‘trained me’ (his words which I disliked) in his office. At age 11, I began working in his law practice and earning a paycheck. There I was taught to think like him, to be lawyer-ish and to cover all the bases when dealing in business. I had always abhorred when my Mom and sister had called me, “Little Al” in reference to my Dad, but now I am happy that he taught me all that he did for this new chapter is my life would have been much more difficult if he hadn’t guided me at such a young age.
Even though I’m now adjusting to being a real grown up, there’s still this little Lucy inside who just won’t rest ~ and I’m not letting her go! But this post, I’m dedicating to my Dad ~ Rest in Peace Dad ~ I’ve got it ~ remember, you taught me!
Hug your loved ones today!
When was the first time you really felt like a grown up (if ever)?