Eclipse of the Soul

Oh my, where do I begin?  It’s like the rush of energy captivated me throughout the eve of the eclipse and the day itself.  It’s hard to explain, but maybe my experience will be similar to yours and we can share and connect.  At least, that’s my plan, dear friends.

First I noticed the energy change around me.  The cats were unsettled during the daylight before the eclipse.  Both kitties went from one extreme to another – sitting quietly and watching with fascination something I couldn’t see.  Of course, at times, I thought it was that the veil might be thin at this time and we had visitors, but since the kitties don’t talk about it, I am only left to wonder and watch their reactions.  At others, meowing plaintively or hovering close to me, even grooming me as if we needed to bond.  I petted them each in turn, relaxing them by giving and receiving love.

My own body whirred, not exactly trembling physically, but I felt the whirring vibration within me ebb and flow before the eclipse.  It was a silent subtle vibration which pulled  me to go outside for a bit just to sit in the sunshine.  The sun felt warmer on my skin when I was outside as well.  Imagination perhaps, but real to me all the same.  The sun wasn’t making me sweat, it was glowing within me, warming my body, mind and soul in such a pleasant way, even though the temps read 84 degrees.  The gentle breeze caressed my skin in the most delightful of ways.

Skies pale blue with intermittent clouds which streaked across the sky.  Not the bright bulbous clouds, but as if someone had blown a dandelion full of wishes across the sky.  The spiritual reset of the eclipse stayed in my mind as I raised my vibrations and laid out my wishes, as the clouds crossed the sky above me.  By the way, there were no geese to be seen today before the eclipse.  No honking – all was quiet and peaceful.  Did the geese know what was in store today?

I used the quiet time before the eclipse to pray and to thank God and the Universe for all the blessings I have received.  I counted my blessings, one by one, which took a long time.  I quietly prayed, my heart receptive to any messages received.  I filled the skies with a release of my worries.  Blowing them away from my mind as I wished on a dandelion.

 

What did I wish for?

Love and peace to surround me. 

Faith and kindness to increase. 

Gentle rearrangement of souls connection,

higher vibrations and attunement to our higher purpose.

A deeper awakening seemed to rise up within me.  As I stood in the grass in my yard facing the beckoning willow tree, I felt an emotional surge from the soles of my feet, warming my body upwards until the crown of my head seemed to open and white light emerged to bond with the sun above me.  It was a remarkable feeling.  Tickling, tingling and rare as I felt enveloped in a peaceful, comforting hug from the Universe and all who dwell within.  A power of oneness, of connection and of sanctity.  I remained quietly standing for awhile.  I am not sure how long, but as I began to hear again – I realized that for a time, I only heard the whir of my heartbeat and the blood in my body and the air within my lungs.  My ears had that white noise sound that we sometimes get which usually bugs me when it happens, but this time, it was received as a loving gift of spirit.

I opened my eyes to see the world around me.  I hadn’t realized I had closed my eyes as I was so enraptured by the experience.  I must have looked silly to anyone passing by but I was never even aware of them.  I was only singularly aware of the melding of the earth, the stars, the sky, the sun, the moon, mother nature, spirit, God, the Universe and me.  And that’s a big melding to experience at once.

My breathing quickened as I felt woken from the trance-like state where I had been standing, arms open wide, palms up, melding with the Universe.  Birds chirped nearby and Clover the baby bunny hopped in the nearby grass, chewing her favorite bits of clover contentedly.  I felt the gentle breeze increase, tickling my body with a warm caress again.

I felt tired, but sated.  As if the experience had ignited in me a light and a flame of love that was deeper than I had ever experienced in my lifetime.  I felt one with everything and everyone.  One – as in truly connected – one – as in all of our experiences are shared – one – as if I completely understand your pains, your happiness and you, as well as me.

And this was all before the famed eclipse.  I wonder what will happen afterwards?  I’m going to rest right now.  Sleep beckons and I want to wake up to experience the eclipse, so I will close for now.  Sweet peace, dear ones.

Shine On!

xo

 

 

 

Shine Your Heartlight

I wish you peace, love and understanding.  I wish you happiness, gratitude and hope.  I pray you find inner healing.  My hopes are that you shine your heartlight with courage, faith and serenity.  Illuminate the world with your special self ~ do not be afraid for you are perfect, whole and complete, just the way you are!

May love’s blessings surround you every day of your life!

Shine On!

xo

I’ll Be Me

Glen Campbell ~ I’ll Be Me

Recently I watched the I’ll Be Me documentary which chronicled Glen Campbell and his family’s last music tour during 2012 after he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease.  Having family members with the disease, it really hit home.  I found myself so moved by the documentary which tastefully showed the progression of the disease.  Tears fell from my eyes at times when I felt for him, for his wife, for his children because I understood and connected with their situation.  It wasn’t easy, but I am grateful I was alone to watch and grateful for their/his courage in making the documentary. With memory-loss, there’s a bereft feeling left for those who love you ~  for it is our memories of the vitality, the energy and the YOU that we remember that is now slowly fading right in front of us.  Sure, there are moments of clarity which we hang onto and then there are moments of confusion which frustrate you and us.  I never knew so much about the disease until it hit our home.  It rearranged dynamics and has been a test in patience.  For the person we knew for a lifetime is still the same, but the relationship changes and they change as well.  We stand by helplessly as the disease progresses.  It’s a test of learning to go with the flow, to be fluid throughout the day, always keeping in mind how to help our loved ones stay peaceful.  I think there’s a special place in Heaven for those who work in memory care. So in honor of all those affected by the disease and a huge hug for the caretakers who hope, understand and love those with memory problems, Glen’s video is below.  His haunting words make me cry every time.  But it’s a good cry, a tethered connection of understanding and a legacy to all those affected by this disease.

Shine On!

xo

Lyrics:

I’m still here, but yet I’m gone

I don’t play guitar or sing my songs

They never defined who I am

The man that loves you ’til the end

You’re the last person I will love

You’re the last face I will recall

And best of all, I’m not gonna miss you

Not gonna miss you

I’m never gonna hold you like I did

Or say I love you to the kids

You’re never gonna see it in my eyes

It’s not gonna hurt me when you cry

I’m never gonna know what you go through

All the things I say or do

All the hurt and all the pain

One thing selfishly remains

I’m not gonna miss you

I’m not gonna miss you

Songwriters RAYMOND, JULIAN / CAMPBELL, GLEN

Watch What You Say!

Sometimes the people we love the most are the ones we hurt the most.

Words are so powerful when spoken aloud and when spoken within, don’t you think?  Words said aloud can’t be taken back after they’ve been heard ~ an indelible mark is etched into the mind of the person to whom you are speaking when they are unkind words.  Believe me when I tell you that I’ve seen it, I’ve experienced it and sadly, I have also done it.

Growing up, my Dad said words that I know he regretted a lot.  I’m not talking about cursing (although he did that too), but rather, hurtful, stinging words of failure which poked right through to my soul and to my self-esteem.  He meant them in the heat of the moment; he said whatever came to his brain at the time in order to add more blunt force to his already powerful voice and his harsh words tore at my heart just the same.

I’m telling you this because I think many people speak without thinking of the impact their words have on the intended listener.  It’s hard to step back before throwing a verbal punch sometimes, but I can attest that it is well-worth it because you can’t take back those words once they are said.  Like the smell of a skunk, their stench lingers in the air, poisoning even the most kindhearted listener.

It’s taken me a long time to erase those bruises from my self-esteem and I will confess to you that the little girl whose Dad called her a failure in 4th grade because she didn’t have straight 100’s in school, still feels ashamed even though it’s more than 30 years ago.  In my head, his words still chatter, shredding my self-confidence at the most inconvenient of times even today.  It’s interesting to me as my Mom and I had a conversation recently about him and she told me how proud he was of me which I never really heard from him, although I’ve heard plenty of times from his friends now since he’s passed.

Failure in 4th grade (by the way I was an A student, but not 100’s every time) is just one example of a litany of weekly put-downs.  He would get a laugh from everyone around him when he called me an airhead starting when I was in high school, especially when friends came to our home.  He’d reach up and grab my left ear and pull and make a hissing sound ~ telling everyone that he let the air out of my head!  He berated me to get a laugh and it broke my heart every single time.  He put me down in order to raise himself up.

I loved my Dad, but I didn’t like him for many reasons.  As I got older, I was blessed to have others who held me with their warmth and loving ways, who nurtured my strengths and helped me to rebuild my mangled self-esteem.  MIL even told my Dad that I was ‘perfect’ which to me was such a priceless gift!  It still tears me up to this day to think that someone thinks I am perfect even in all my imperfect ways.  My Dad laughed and told her that I had her fooled, but through her eyes, I learned to feel good enough and most importantly loved.

My Dad loved me, this I know for sure.  He came from an abusive family and he allowed his lack of self-control to rule his life.  He often said, “You hurt the ones you love the most,” which is the card above ~ and I used to say, “then don’t love me.”

That cycle, that vicious cycle of mental, emotional cruelty stopped with me.  I try very hard to stay positive with my sons and to not berate them.  I don’t give them false information, but I try to look to the bright side.  I am blessed as my MIL taught me that, she nurtured it in me and since I’ve known her for more than 24 years,  I’ve been able to watch my role model mother me along with her grandchildren and it’s been a priceless blessing in my life.

So please, watch your words!

Speak with Love!

Shine On!

xo

Daily Prompt ~ Be Proud of Yourself

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/02/15/daily-prompt-proud/

When was the last time someone told you they were proud of you?

As many of you know, 8 months ago my dad passed away.  I am the executor so I’ve had a lot of responsibility on my plate and it’s been hard.  Have you lost a loved one?  Have you ever been an executor or POA?  It’s hard.  It’s a lot of work in addition to simply mourning the loss of your loved one.  In fact, I took on closing Dad’s business as well which has been a huge undertaking and an adventure.  I simply wasn’t prepared for it all ~ but let’s face it, are any of us prepared?

Today I had to work on some paperwork of Dad’s which was really complicated.  I ended up having to make 3 phone calls to 3 separate people to get some paperwork fixed which is still in progress, but while in the midst of the mess, my frustration levels rose and I began crying on the phone with the customer service representatives on the other end.  In all honesty, I just broke down sobbing while on the phone with them.  It was embarrassing to say the least as I thought I was doing so well with the whole thing.  I guess I’m a work in progress.  The lovely point of this story is that 3 strangers comforted me in a way that helped me to move on and they didn’t have to be so nice and I am so grateful.

You know what they did?  They just listened for a moment ~ they said they understood.  They took a moment of their time to virtually hug me by their kindness, their infinite patience and  by their kind words which were,

“It’s ok, I can help you.  You are doing great. 

You should be proud of yourself as you’re doing a good job. 

It’s not easy, but together we can make it work. 

I’m sorry you are going through this difficult time.”

And that’s all I ever needed…It was such a healing moment and it helped me become unstuck and continue to flow again!  I just needed someone to realize how hard I’m trying to hold it all together, how hard I’m working to be strong for our family and how much I am putting my heart and soul into trying to make it easier for everyone, including me.  So to Byron, Christine and Veronica, even though it’s a very slim chance you’ll ever read this, I thank you all.  You helped a stranger heal her heart a bit.  It’s a kindness for which I am ever grateful.  Thanks for being you!

So to all of you, whatever your situation…

I’m proud of you!

Shine On!

xo

Daily Prompt: Shoulda Woulda Coulda Confession

Daily Prompt: Shoulda Woulda Coulda

Tell us about something you know you should do . . . but don’t.

Ok, here goes…I’ve got a confession to make and I hope you don’t run away.  Lately this topic has been coming at me in all different ways so I guess this daily prompt was the last straw because you see, I’m a CLUTTERBUG.  There, I said it.  I’m not a hoarder (at least not like what you see with garbage piled up everywhere).  Oh no…that’s not me at all!  I’m not that far gone!  But I have slid from the girl who was always well organized to one where I have stashes of clutter in boxes, in closets, under the bed and in my office.  In fact, I have to tell you honestly how much it bothers me that I can’t throw things out.  Now again, let’s be clear here…it’s not garbage that is piling up in those places, it’s just stuff ~ memories ~ my prom gown from 25+ years ago, my 2 wigs that I wore when I lost my hair to chemo, old clothes that I think I shouldn’t throw out in case I gain or lose weight, old shoes that perhaps may come back into style, books that I would like to someday read, old toys of the kids that they adored, tons of  paperwork that I think I may need from my cancer diagnosis over 11 years ago, I could go on and on!

I have old calendars, I have old letters (boxes of them), old notebooks with stories written in them that someday (ahem) I may make into a book.  I have pony tail holders from when my hair was long, I have stashes of “what if I need this” piled high in closets which are finally driving me crazy enough to do something about them.

Because I am finally feeling like I have the energy to tackle this stuff…albeit I”m not sure I can really do it on my own.  Because to me, those things evoke memories and I’m afraid that if I throw them out or donate them or sell them, that the memory will vanish when the item is released as well.  And it’s a fine line for me considering that I’ve been living with chemo brain fog for a long time and it’s never come back much to my disappointment.

I just did a tapping seminar online which dealt with clutter which really opened my eyes to the reason for my clutter.  Because I”m not a lazy person at heart.  Honest.  Although to others who are not clutterbugs, it does seem like I am just too lazy to put things away or to throw out what’s not being used.  But that’s not the case and it was a huge relief in my heart to take this seminar and realize that I’m not alone in my feelings nor my situation and that yes, it can improve and be solved!  In fact, it delved into the psyche of a cluttered life and I think I’ve realized the beginning ~ 11 years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer!  That was the start, although it was gradual, but it just piled up to the point of immense sadness, trauma both to my body, mind and heart and it was earth-shattering to me to realize what the catalyst was for it and how it can be changed and fixed and solved.  I can’t even begin to explain to you how this seminar simply cracked open my heart with tears and emotions flooding my being because I hadn’t realized how much the clutter and the guilt of the situation was hurting my psyche, my daily life and affecting me in such a profound way.

To others, it’s clutter….just clean it up.  To me, it was something else entirely and with the tapping seminar (which was free that day), it just came to me in the most healing way.  Now I just need a friend to hold my hand and help me to continue on my journey with it so that I can get it done and move on!  Because even though I’d thought I’d moved on, I was stuck and I’m just now unsticking myself from the trauma of being diagnosed with breast cancer.  I’m not making excuses for myself, but I am learning more about myself and discovering that I had covered up much pain with the clutter.  Like a protective shell around my life and heart and I want to be free of it now.  It doesn’t serve me anymore and I want to be clear, to be happy and to be clutter free.

Part of the shame, the sadness and the fear in clutter has to do with control.  It’s almost a punishment if you will (I’m loosely quoting this online course) to the person who is the clutterbug because we don’t feel worthy of having a perfect house or of knowing where things are or of being able to live with the memories and not the item to call them up.  I’ve read of people who take pictures of their gown so that they can remember it, but knowing me, the picture would end up in a pile somewhere and I’d be finding it in another 10 year (although a snapshot would certainly free up the closet space!)

Do you have this issue?  Do you hide it as well?  On the outside, I try to keep the public rooms of the house in a tidy condition.  With an active family and pets it’s a bit difficult, but I manage.  But I don’t want you upstairs in my house.  I want it private for fear that you’ll think badly of me because of my unorganized stock piles!  What would you think if you walked into my office and when you opened the door, a barrage of paperwork greeted you?  I know how I’d feel if you saw it ~ humiliated, sad, upset, ashamed, guilty, unloved, aggravated.

So my public flogging is over ~ I’ve aired my clutter laundry and I’m going to continue on my quest for a happier, clutter-free me.  I actually started throwing out paperwork yesterday.  I spent 3 hours in the office and I have 3 huge garbage bags to be shred.  I am also getting rid of a bunch of the kids’ toys and now my job is to find a place which needs gently used toys.

And as I sit here tap tap tapping away on the keyboard and alternating tapping on my pressure points on my body, I want to do a shout out to Elisa at http://elisacashiola.com/  who inspired me to work on my office over a year ago with the promise of helping me Feng Shui it (which is still on hold but not for long)!   Check out her blog because she’s got some amazing tips on how to make your house a home!  In fact, she helped me move my mirror from my front door and I felt the change…now imagine how powerful I’m to be when I am clutter-free!

Woo Hoo!  Fellow clutterbugs unite ~ or better yet

Let’s UNTIE ourselves from the bonds of clutter! 

Ready, Set…GO!

Shine On!

xo

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/daily-prompt-shoulda/