Mourning I’m Broken


The news wasn’t good yesterday at the Vet.  My girl’s been diagnosed with lymphoma, with a fast growing tumor which has wrapped itself around her intestines.  At 2 months shy of her 17th birthday, and according to the vet, 4 years past average life expectancy, with losing 3 lbs already since December, the news is just not good.  But being me, I bend my head in gratitude for all of the blessings both big and small and the coincidences which albeit tiny matter magnificently  for when I called the vet yesterday, I was able to get my favorite vet who has known Chessie for 17 years.  I wept unabashedly in the examination room as the doctor gave me the news.  She spent almost an hour with me, going over options, scenarios and examining Chessie quite thoroughly.

I think what I love most about our vet is her compassion and the way in which she treats our pets.  She tenderly spoke to Chessie, lifting her a gentleness for which I was grateful.  She even talks to her as if they are speaking ~ she’s always done it ~ and yesterday I ventured to ask if she had the gift of hearing Chessie speak, but she skirted the issue.  Perhaps she didn’t want to tell that she could understand her because quite frankly, I’ve always thought there was something extraordinary about our vet.  She just seems to know about our pets.

When she delivered the news, she unceremoniously held Chessie’s ears as if she didn’t want her to hear what we were talking about so that it wouldn’t color the patient’s outlook on life.  It was done unconsciously I think ~ and as she explained her diagnosis, the possibility of treatment which would include chemo etc. and how she personally felt about the whole thing, she continued to pet Chessie and keep her happy.  I sat across from her, afraid to get up for fear I would faint away.  So instead, I wept in my chair, dabbing my face with tissues as I tried to imagine how I would tell the boys and my husband what she was saying.

I spent most of yesterday crying for both of us.  In fact, tears come unbidden when I am not attentive to my thoughts or when I let them stray.  So in the meantime, Chessie and I continue to bond with her staying by my side as I write this morning.  We have yet to tell our sons, but because Chessie is not in pain (which matters magnificently), we have some time.  I think we’ll have the talk tonight with them and plan for Friday so that we can all still have some time to spend with her.  For we are blessed to have had her for almost 17 years, she has given to us more than we have given to her as a stray.  She has filled our hearts and our days with laughter at her antics, to healing with her purring, to love with her affection.  She has been a part of our family for almost as long as we have been married.

It’s going to be a difficult time for all of us ~ especially for my hubby and me because she’s our first ~ and because she’s been like our little guardian angel ~ ok, she’s been my ever present guardian angel.  And I know, she’ll still be with me when she crosses over because our bond is so strong, but it just won’t be the same.  I look for her everyday and every night and all the time in between.

I don’t want her to suffer as she is weakening quickly.  I want to hold her as she passes so that I can be with her just like she’s been with me for so many years.  I’ve told you how she never left my side throughout my breast cancer journey.  Even through last year’s 4 surgeries, she stayed by my side, always purring me into healing in fact, she’s been there for me for all 14 surgeries.

Right now, she’s snuggled on a blanket next to me, eyes 1/2 open, breathing rhythmically, just resting.  Every few minutes, I reach over to snuggle with her, burying my tear-stained face in her fur.  I know she knows ~ and as always, she’s being strong for me ~ I am just so grateful for her being ~ God Bless my little kitty.

One of my Dad’s favorite songs was Morning Has Broken, so please enjoy ~ and don’t forget to Shine On! xo

Instead it is I, who bends her lioness head in gratitude for all of the blessings both big and small and the coincidences which albeit tiny, matter magnificently.

47 thoughts on “Mourning I’m Broken

  1. My heart aches for you and what you are going through. Can’t find the words of comfort, but I can pray in silence.

  2. Oh, I am so very sorry about this. It is heartbreaking. Cry, cry. Such a beautiful cat. You’ve given her a wonderful loving life. Treasure these last days with her.

  3. I am so sorry to hear your news. I thought about your post for most of yesterday. God bless you and Chessie, and your vet. You are all in my prayers.

  4. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through right now….nothing prepares you for the loss of a beloved pet. They are such a important part of our lives, with such beautiful lessons to teach us. May you find peace in the exceptional bond that you found with Chessie….she will be with you always. xoxo

  5. AS tears fall down my face, I can relate to you and your sweet girl. I had to let same go of my beloved Sammie for the same reason. He was with me for 13 years and gave me strength and comfort during a lot of ups and downs. My heart is with you both. Xxo.

  6. I am so very and genuinely sorry. I know there is precious little anyone can say at the moment that can ease the pain you are going through but, we do understand the bonds and heartbreak. May God give you strength and hold you during this unbelievably difficult time.

  7. Dear Misifusa, thank you for sharing your love, pain, and gratitude, in this post. I’m glad that you, your family, and Chessie, have given to each other so many wonderful gifts and so much love for so long. You’ve been great blessings to each other, and may you continue to be, in Chessie’s remaining days and beyond.

  8. Crying as I read this, because of your loving bond with Chessie. Yes, she will always be with you! What a beautiful life you have given her!! Sending you prayers for the courage you will need.

  9. I am so sorry you must experience this heartache, but thank you for sharing. I have a nearly 18 year old cat, and he is my baby so I can understand. Take some comfort in the knowledge that your Chessie has had a long and happy life with your family.

    • I appreciate every moment we’ve had with her. May your baby kitty continue with good health ~ thanks for understanding. It is so hard but I am so happy that we have time to say goodbye and to enjoy her presence for awhile longer. Hugs xo

  10. As I read your post I began to cry. Tears are still flowing. I have been there many times as I have had many pets. But some of them are favorites. As I type this note my two favorite cats are on the bed with me. I keep them in this one room where I sleep and use my computer. No other cats are allowed in this room. I want to spend as much time as I can with them.They are litter mate sisters and I hand raised them. Only ones born to a feral mother who I still have and the Mama is still mostly wild. These kitties are very special to me and I think about when they will leave me. One has had 2 surgeries for mammary cancer. She had made almost 2 years since the first surgery.

    Addie and Nellie will be 14 years old this May. They were born on Mother’s Day in 1999.

    I can only imagine how you are feeling. I can’t step in your shoes but I can imagine the pain you are feeling. It feels as though your heart will stop beating and you can not get your breath.

    If you go to my blog look for the poem under pet loss that I had written for my daughter in 1999. It is titled to Lisa from Athena. My daughter is not over Athena’s death yet. She read the poem once and will not look at it again.

    My deepest sympathy to you.


  11. She is INCREDIBLY lucky to have someone such as you – so loving, so knowledgeable, and so ready to help her, when she needs it the most. That’s all we can ever hope to do for these little angels… And you’re doing it with grace and love. And remember, they never leave us – love never, ever does.

  12. Pingback: Anticipating Loss: When Our Beloved Pets Age | Moonlight Reflections

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