The Voice in Your Head

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“If someone in your life talked to you the way you talk to yourself,

you would have left them long ago.” 

 – Carla Gordon

There is a voice that I hear, sometimes as a bellow and sometimes as a whisper.  I only became aware of it in the last few years, although if truth be told, I have heard it time and time again in my life.  I used to think it was a Jiminy Cricket voice, you know, your conscience?  But the voice to which I am referring, has nothing to do with my conscience.  That part if me is clear.  This voice is authoritative, it has strength and when I tried new things, it tried to block me from doing them ~ and if I did indeed succeed in trying, it would either criticize me for having failed or remain silent when I triumphed.

Have you ever stopped to listen to yourself ~ to the voice in your head ~ especially after you’ve done something that you weren’t sure about?  Do you even notice that voice ~ are you aware of it?  Or are you thinking me crazy ~ which I protest, I am most certainly not!

The voice is sneaky.  It seeps into the running monologue in my head.  At one point when I was much younger, I stopped eating for awhile.  The voice would urge me on to see how far I could go on a few saltines and a leaf of lettuce.  The voice and I would feel triumphant that we were not controlled by food, that we had such discipline to not be so weak as to feed me more than that.  I could survive so easily on so little nourishment and I triumphed.  I was able to fool everyone ~ working 2 jobs and convincing everyone that I was eating at the other job.  Even more impressive to me was that I was getting thinner and by social standards, thinner is better, right?

Thinking back, it happened for a week or two when I was 12 years old as well.  For some unknown reason at the time, I completely stopped eating.  I shut down.  I only wanted to drink water and I was ravenously thirsty.   I was given a battery of tests, only to find out that there was nothing wrong with me.  After awhile, the episode passed and I ate again.  But until I was much older, I never put 2 & 2 together to realize why it was that I put my life on hold.  What I do recall was the complete feeling of apathy towards eating and how I wasn’t able to talk with anyone about it.

That voice still tries to be heard in my life, but for the most part, I have kicked it to the curb.  I found that it wasn’t a friend.  It didn’t talk nicely to me unless it was somehow getting me to discipline myself even more than I already did.  When I think about it, if it had been a real live friend who had said those things to me, I would have said goodbye to that friendship long ago.

So why did I permit the voice to continue?  Why did I allow myself to believe that no matter what I did, I wasn’t enough?  The self-criticism in me was even worse than the outside world’s perceived condemnation.  At times, I bowed to it and strove for perfection and at others, I simply accepted the devastating knowledge that I wasn’t good enough and I bowed in sorrow.  I can’t answer why to the questions above.  I can only channel hope, inspiration and love into my heart these days in order to swing the pendulum of the voice and to drown out its power.  It isn’t easy.  It requires my beloved baby steps, but the best part is that it is possible.

So the next time you hear that voice which says, ‘not enough’ I want you to drown it out with the song below ~ from me to you ~ We Are Family!

“Have faith in you and the things you do, you won’t go wrong.  This is our family jewel!”

I’m your biggest fan!

Shine On!

xo

 

 

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22 thoughts on “The Voice in Your Head

  1. Oh Yvonne! What a powerful post — and yes, the ‘why’ is not the issue. It is that we lovingly stop the voice from destroying our joy and happiness and capacity to live in grace. thank you my friend. Awesome post! Love the song too! 🙂

  2. A very honest and courageous post…love to hear that you “kicked that voice to the curb”. If it tries to come back, put up a “No Vacancy” sign!!! Xo

  3. It seems so silly that we should have that voice – I almost said “inside us” – but I can’t believe that is where it truly lives. So maybe if we could view it as coming from “outside us” we would be better equipped to “TURN IT OFF!” Nah nah, nah nah nah…..I’m not listening to you….I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

  4. Oh, yes, indeed, yes! You are definitely not alone. Just this week I had a big dose of “I am not enough”. I thought I knew better. Funny thing is this voice is very persistent! I find the amazing friends and inspiring people provide the fuel I need to put out the fire in this voice’s fire. Thank you for this timely post.

    • Thank you Vicki ~ it always makes me feel better when I realize that we are not alone in our thinking ~ and even better when we can bond, connect and be honest. I appreciate you ~ so happy you put out the fire ~ you are most certainly more than enough! I’m your biggest fan! xo

  5. I think any person who went through an eating disorder, mental issues such as anxiety and panic attack or “only” low self-esteem problem can and will understand the battle inside. The voice and I. Everyone who wants to overcome something has to overcome that shitty asshole of a inner dictator who wants and wishes no good for you but somehow manages to pass as “being what you deserve” or “telling the truth”. :/

  6. Yes, I know this voice. I was just reading a part I added in my book about this…
    “I got a hold of it firmly but gently… let go of the denial that wasn’t part of me.. and I healed the rest with love.. then I let it go, knowing it was never really who I am but part of the whole.” Yet, it was part of me.. and so it is.. and it now snuggles up to me like my wild kitten. Sounds crazy, I know. But true. Not a trace of that mean voice.

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