Tag Archive | waiting for test results

Lab Error

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As you know, for the last few days, I’ve been battling another feverish worry about my tumor marker results which came in over normal.  Honestly they had been creeping up and were just over normal back in August.  So when I got the call back saying that I needed a retest, my heart dropped, my brain went into overload and I cried.  Fear took over as I’ve been there, done that and I don’t ever want to relive the harrowing hell of cancer a second time.  Who am I kidding?  Nobody ever wants to live it the first time, let alone any encores!

It works the same with any illness I think ~ or any sort of test for health.  We go into the test hoping for the best, worrying about the results and trying our best to stay calm.  At least, I can say that this is how it works for me.  You’d think that after 12 years of this, I’d get used to it, but I’ve never quite gotten used to the fear factor in testing about my breast cancer.  As the years have progressed and I’ve been blessed to live without recurrence, it still matters not when the time comes for testing or for that dreaded wait period for results.  I’m sure you’ll agree that,  The Waiting is the Hardest Part (click for blog post).

My 2nd waiting period was cut short this time due to my favorite sympathetic vampire (my oncologist’s amazing phlebotomist whom I adore ~ thanks Robin) who put my retest in STAT as she understood my anxiety was over the top high this time.  My blood pressure was 190 over something high and it was sheer will that kept me upright in the chair and not passing out, again when she took my blood.  Yes, another of my special charms, I pass out when I see a needle ~ and you’d think I”d get over that as well since I’ve endured countless needles over my lifetime with the C-word, but nope, that one continues.

So when the phone rang  late yesterday afternoon, I knew I had to answer.  I was at a stop light.  I saw it was the doctor’s office.  So I quickly answered and asked the caller to wait a moment while I pulled over.  Breathing deeply, car in park, I gave her my full attention.

“Yes, I’m here.  Thanks for waiting. I am driving so I pulled over so I can talk with you.”

“Great.  Glad to hear it, but I wouldn’t have called your cell if I didn’t have this news.”

“And….”  Butterflies are doing the mambo in my tummy.  I can hear the blood whooshing in my ears and my heart is beating like a loud drum.  Yes, I am afraid.

“Good news.  It was a lab error.  Your numbers are safely within the normal range.”

“Really?  Are you sure?  Everything is good?  I’m fine?” I stuttered, beginning to cry.

“Yes, you are fine.”

“Oh my gosh, thank you, thank you.  I feel like I’m going to throw up!  Thank you!”

“On don’t throw up.  Are you crying?”

“Oh yes, I was so upset.  Yes, I”m crying.  Happy tears.  Thank you so much.  Oh, I”m so happy!”

Giggles in the background, mine and hers, like a symphony.

“Enjoy.  Be happy.  These are my favorite calls to make.”

“I’m sure.  I’ve been on the other end so I understand,” I answered somberly.

“I know you do.   Big hugs to you.  Enjoy your night.”

“Oh you know I will.  Thank you!”

I hung up the phone.  Tears spilling everywhere down my cheeks.  I can’t catch my breath.  I am so relieved.  I feel like the floodgates have opened and I am swooshed away with the pent up worry that is now fully releasing itself from my body.  Giggles, tears, relief flooding everywhere.  Thank goodness I pulled over to park!

“Thank you God.  Thank you body.  Thank you so much.”  I repeat aloud in my car by myself.  And of course, I began to thank all of you, my friends, my family, our loving community.

This morning I awoke wanting to write so much to you.  But I wanted you to have the story here first so please bear with me if I write another post because the story’s not finished here.  It’s just that I don’t want you to have more than a 5 minute post to read today.  And please know that…

appreciate

Shine On!

xo

Pass the Time with Love

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Thank you to all of you for your kind messages yesterday.  I’m waiting on the answer as to what happens next and if the cancer has returned.  I was retested yesterday so now I just hunker down to wait and see.  Yesterday I comforted me.  I took the time to pamper myself and to allow the feelings to surface that needed to be felt.  I allowed a bit of fears and tears to be shed so that I could greet my family with calming love and joy when they got home from school and work.  But before they arrived, I took some needed ‘me time.’

What’s your ME time?  Do you take some important time for yourself?  What do you do for you to rejuvenate your soul?

I relaxed in the quiet of my home, with my trusty kitty nearby.  Funny how she never left my side yesterday.  Perhaps on some soul to soul level, she understood that I needed a bit more fur therapy than usual ~ that I needed some quiet time to contemplate and to relax.  She snoozed on the couch with me as I rested.  I tried to meditate, but you may remember how my monkey mind acts up when I try.  If not, click here for a giggle.   So I closed my eyes and asked my angels to help me to rest and to heal.  I sent loving thoughts to my body, I thought of healing love spreading its sparkling light from my head to my toes.  I imagined a healing light from Heaven embracing me as I tried to relax and let go of all the worry in my brain.  I imagined cleansing my cells free from toxins and spreading light throughout them.  ‘The Presents in Presence’ was my mantra.  I embraced myself, with faults and all, and thanked my body, brain and heart for all that it has given to me.  I restored peace within my soul, asking forgiveness and allowing forgiveness into my heart.  I fell asleep for awhile.

Do you believe in angels?

A little bit of comfort food for the physical body, fur therapy for the heart (because her purrs reverberate directly to my cells) and lots of loving messages from you and my trusty friends and family who know what’s going on and voila- I was ready for my little family to arrive home to a calm Mom and not the crying jagged woman who inhabited the house only a few hours ago.  It’s amazing what we can do in an instant, isn’t it?  We can change directions when we have to, because we have to, as easily as changing lanes while driving sometimes.  I only need to know that my sons are coming home and I don’t want them to know anything that I can right myself, remove any remnants of tear-stained tissues and comfort food evidence in order to greet them with the smiles, the loving embraces and the full-on attention that they deserve when they come home.  There’s no need for them to have any clue as to what is going on before there is a definite answer.  It’s not that I ever hid my cancer from them because I have never done that.  They have known as much as needed, when needed and I stand behind our decisions with that (hubby and mine) ~ we’re a team.

But it’s a wait to worry scenario here.  Sure, I was worrying plenty while they were out of the house, but then, I was back to calm Mom until bedtime when I could relax with hubby and gain some strength from him as well.  Today is another day, brighter and with dawn comes possibility and more love, more gratitude and maybe even an answer if I’m lucky.

So enjoy your day, wherever you may roam.  Smile at strangers, hold hands with loved ones and be kind to yourself and to each other.  We are all connected.  We are all here together on this journey called life.  And it is, with love, that I send my heartfelt gratitude to you for connecting with me.

Shine On!

xo