Tag Archive | uncle

Bucking Expectations

So yesterday morning I awoke at 2am and couldn’t go back to sleep.  I laid awake for a few hours, all sorts of thoughts running through my head, until finally at 4:30am, I made my way downstairs to my laptop and my favorite Breakfast Blend coffee and began my day.

I recently heard that one of my favorite aunts from childhood passed away in August.  She had eventually gotten Alzheimer’s after her hubby passed 13 years ago.  Her husband was my Mom’s brother and he was like a Dad to me.  He was a special man…whenever we (my sister and me) stayed over their house, Uncle L would always have something fun for us to do and Aunt R would make sure that it was a treat beyond our wildest dreams.

For us, life was great going to their house ~ we loved them and their children who were 4 and 7 years older than me.  It was like having an older sister and brother who just adored you and honestly, we adored them!  Life was always fun at their house and we often stayed for days with them.

As a child, they were such happy memories and we were completely oblivious to the complicated adult relationships that surrounded us.  Eventually we got older and stopped staying at their home, but all of those visits are warm, happy memories in my heart.

Time passed and we were let in on the complications, the fights and the ugliness which surrounded the adults and finally, upon my Uncle’s death 13 years ago, the strain broke the relationships and they faded away.  Oh there were a few fights, some back stabbing, he said/she saids…but I was dealing with cancer by then and fighting for my life.  I didn’t have the strength to fight for anything else.  But all the same, it made me sad that all ties were broken with our Aunt and cousins.

This morning I searched the internet until I found Aunt R’s obituary from August.  Funny thing is that by the time my younger son was born, we weren’t in contact, but if we had been, she would have been delighted to know that they shared the same birthday.  It’s sad to me now that it only is known to me because the rest of my family won’t have anything to do with them.

Truly, I’m not sure who’s in the wrong or who’s in the right and frankly, I don’t think I give a hoot anymore.  Life is short my friends and so I decided to BUCK EXPECTATIONS and send sympathy cards to my cousins.  In addition, I sent them each a separate card telling them how I feel.  I am sure that any family reading today’s post will be shocked and appalled, but truly, I don’t care anymore about the past…I want my cousins to know that I honor their Mom and Dad…that I now know what it’s like to lose a parent and I’m not afraid of anyone’s disliking what I’m doing anymore.

This is My Life.

Whew…big words for a little girl, don’t you think?  I preach about sending out love, touching hearts with cards and telling others how you feel now before it’s too late.  I want you to know that sometimes it’s not easy to do and I get it…I do.  But when I opened up my heart today, the words flowed out and I felt love.

I hope that they will receive my cards with the love intended…only time will tell if I should ever get back a response, but I know in my heart that I’ve said my peace, send my heartfelt love and prayers and let them know that no matter what, the love, kindness and beautiful childhood memories in my heart will always be alive…and for that, I am ever grateful.

Thinking of you…

xo

An Epiphany for Superwoman

Calm. Sometimes God calms the storm, sometimes He calms the sailor (Superwoman).

It’s been 12 weeks since my Dad passed away…12 weeks!  I can hardly believe that 3 full months have passed and that I’m still ticking off every Thursday afternoon as another week.  I saw this card and thought it was perfect for me because I’ve been feeling very stormy lately.  There is much going on in my life in addition to my Dad’s passing and being in charge of the subsequent details of wrapping up a human life’s affairs and business.   I am still in the midst of the eye of the storm.

However, I had an epiphany yesterday ~ so similar to this card that I had to write today.  You see, my stormy seas aren’t going away any time soon because there is still much to do for Dad, for my family and I am still healing from my surgery 2 weeks ago and have another scheduled for October.  The seas are really choppy for me right now, testing me and tossing me around with tear-filled moments.  So I’m asking for God/Universe/Spirit to calm them, but more fervently, I am asking for calm for me.  You see, I’ve ridden stormy seas before with my breast cancer and other life challenges…I see them as a kind of test that we are put through…and this one is again, a test of a huge magnitude.

When I sit quietly which I have been doing more often lately now that the kids are back in school, I realize that my plate is overflowing.  I expect a lot from myself and in this moment, there is no exception to that rule.  In fact, before my epiphany, I was unable to see that perhaps I am not quite the Superwoman I expect myself to be.  In fact, there have been times recently that I have been full-blown disappointed in myself for not keeping up, for not doing it all, for not being able to clone myself into the 5 different roles I need to be 24/7!

I’m re-reading a compilation by one of my favorite authors now…and later on, I’ll tell you all about her, but her method is simple and it works.  In the hustle and bustle of these seas, I’d allowed myself to get tossed and not navigate my own life.  I hadn’t asked for help from anyone.  I’d simply loaded myself up until I crumbled.  Isn’t that the way many of us do it?  Superwomen/Supermen…we just keep taking on until we can no longer fit anything more without drowning.

Well, I’m not drowning ~ nope ~ not even close!  I took hold of the rudder this weekend and decided to steer my own ship through these waters.  I cried “UNCLE!” and gave it up to God/Universe/Spirit.  I handed it over ~ cast the burden so to speak ~ so that I could allow myself healing time.  I need to concentrate on growing my ‘self-love’ which I’d tossed by the wayside in the turmoil.

“I cast the burden on the Christ within and I am free to live in peace.”

Sound familiar to anyone?

xo