Begin Again

A friend gave me a magnet awhile back in anticipation for all of the changes that were in store for my future.  At the time, I didn’t want to Begin Again as it was daunting for me to think about all that would be changed.  Regardless of how much I didn’t want the changes, they happened anyway, out of my control.  Instead of accepting that my life would dramatically change in all ways – divorce, moving, financially, health-wise, etc., I fought like a tigress to remain in that stagnant limbo of wanting no change, all while change happened anyway.

Finally, I surrendered.

Broken, exhausted and drained, I surrendered.

It’s not that I didn’t agree that the changes were imminent and necessary.  It was that I was fearful of how I would continue on in this uncharted territory for my journey and the journey of my children, for it wasn’t where I wanted to be.  But when I stopped fighting against the rising tide and began to doggy paddle to keep afloat, I received help through the transition.  Angels disguised as friends and strangers reached out to me with kindness.  I began to see the future as a new chapter in my life, a new book on which to write my story and a fresh clean slate which I controlled (for the most part) of how I am the captain of my own life’s ship.

I began planning what had to be done and like a sergeant, began the transition with what I hoped would be military precision.  But alas, I may have had a plethora of military family members, but precision has not been a characteristic blessing unto me.  And so it was, I surrendered.  I did my best daily, fell asleep on my pillow with a bone tired body and rose up the next morning to do it all again.  And finally, it was accomplished, through the help of my angelic human angels.

Now we begin again, in a new home with new challenges.  Regardless, I have surrendered what was and I embrace what is and I plan for what I would like to be.  To Begin Again requires letting go of the past and staying in a peaceful present and allowing a hopeful future to blossom, petal by petal.

I am grateful for the peace within now.  Although transitions are often fraught with wiggles and compromises, I knowingly stand with peace in my heart, grateful for the lessons and learning which have come with the experiences I’ve endured.  I’ve learned so much about people, about myself and about love.  Life lessons have been tough at times, but well-worth the growth that came out of them.  Sure, it’s easy in hindsight to feel this way, but I guess I wanted to share with you so that you can remember that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  We just have to keep walking towards the light.

I’m here for you if you are going through any transitions as I’ve been through a bunch of different ones:  cancer, multiple surgeries, chemo, radiation, divorce, selling a house, finding the right rental, starting over at 50, death of family, family with Alzheimer’s and Dementia, etc.  If you need a friend, here I am, with my arms wide open for a hug.

Shine On!

xo

 

 

Daily Prompt ~ Changes!

Change is beautifully inevitable

Daily Prompt: Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

You need to make a major change in your life. Do you make it all at once,

cold turkey style, or incrementally?

For me, changes have never been subtle in my life.  They’ve arrived cold turkey style and left me scrambling to start swimming in order to not drown under the tsunami of change.  Many of the changes took me a long time to come to terms with as some of them were life altering as many changes can be.  Take for instance being diagnosed with an illness such as cancer ~ or being told of the death of a loved one.  Those changes are life altering in and of themselves and they are changes which do not allow for a u-turn in the road of life.  You just have to keep swimming with the tide afterwards.

So I have turned to the cold turkey style of change as my comfort zone in life even though it may take me baby steps in time to allow for the adjustment that the change brings so in that case, I guess my answer is both incrementally and cold turkey!  The change itself, is cold turkey style, but the adjustment which occurs after it, is incremental.  Does that make sense?

For example, when I had my double mastectomy due to breast cancer, even though I was reconstructed in the OR so that I wouldn’t awaken without some type of mound on my chest, the change was most definitely cold turkey style.  There is nothing like falling asleep with my own soft breasts only to awaken with hard, unmoving and cold lumps called tissue expanders under the skin where previously there was warmth.  It took me a long time to be able to change my thoughts, my feelings about myself and find a new normal in accepting my new body, life and scars.  And I won’t say it is easy because it’s not, but I will say it is do-able and this gal who I am now, has a much richer life than before she was diagnosed in 2001.

Even when I was losing my hair due to the ACT chemotherapy that I was taking, I opted to cut off my own hair cold turkey and then incrementally go bald!  Once my hair began coming out in clumps in the shower which is an emotional roller coaster ride even though I knew it was going to happen, I decided to take control over my life and in turn, over the breast cancer that riddled my body.  With a bottle of champagne in one hand and my hair festooned with pink ribbon pony tails, my husband and I celebrated my taking control over my cancer.  Celebratory swigs bonded us as I carefully cut off the pony tails to my scalp, holding the clumps of hair by the pink ribbons.  I remember with the first cut that I couldn’t’ stop giggling because what woman in her right mind takes a pair of scissors to her head and chops off a clump of her hair?  I mean really?  But I did it and it was freeing!  Oh so freeing!

I took off about 10 pony tails (which I still have 2 of my original hair) and looked into the mirror.  All was fun and joyous until I realized that I had big clumps of missing hair on my head.  My gentle and sweet husband to whom I am still so grateful to be married, kissed and held me and then proceeded to cut my hair into a really short pixie style a la Mia Farrow.  (Thank goodness he wasn’t drinking as much champagne as I was that day!)

When he was finished, we looked into the bathroom mirror together and he held me ~ cradling me with his love ~ and he told me that ‘this too shall pass’ for which I believed him.

The next morning, my pillow looked as if a cat had slept on it as it was covered with my pixie short hairs which broke my heart.  So that night, my husband buzzed my head so that I wouldn’t have to awaken with the sadness of looking at my pillow and it was better for me.  Done ~ cold turkey ~ and I felt as though I could move on with my wig, my scarves and my hats.

I have walked through hell and have kept walking for which I am so grateful and I believe that’s why I write my blog ~ because I want to inspire and be inspired by all of you.  For you see, change is inevitable in our lives, so we have to keep evolving, keep flowing with our lives and keep taking baby steps forward.  We can change our course of direction at any time, but we can’t go backwards.  We can only stand still when we need to rest and then begin again.

What makes the changes easier is when we allow ourselves to connect with others on this lifetime journey.  Taking hold of a hand which is offered to you eases the transition of change.  It’s in those moments when we realize that we are all connected here and that change can be beautiful.  Keep smiling!

Shine On!

xo

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/02/04/daily-prompt-changes/

I Am…a Challenge….

This morning I am inspired by bloggers LouAnn and also by Cristian ~ both of whom I enjoy following!  Cristian began the whole thing the other day by writing 10 random things about himself without the fanfare of receiving an award ~ simply to let us get to know him a bit better.  who-the-is-cristian-mihai

LouAnn began this morning’s post with her rendition of 10 Random Things, following Cristian’s lead at random-things.

So it got me thinking…of darling Rhonda at help-me-rhonda.com who continues to make me laugh whenever she gets an award with her 7 random things…and I thought, why not?

Why not issue a challenge to us all ~

  A sort of chain letter blog posting to just tell us 10 random things about yourself!

Here are the rules in case this takes off (which I’m praying it will!)

1. Write 5-10 random things about yourself…try to use I AM

2.  Ping/tag whatever it’s called back to this post (or give your url below)

so that we know you are doing it!

3.  Try to keep it going so that we can learn more about our community ~ and expand it!

4.  Let me know what you think of this!

xo

So, here goes nothing! 🙂

1.  I am not a blonde by birth, but I play one in real life!

2.  I am a cat owner (have 2), but I watch the Dog Whisperer all the time.

3.  I am a great caller for take out or reservations as I adore going out to eat and not having to cook!  My best streak was for 2 weeks that I didn’t have to cook for my family ~ granted it was after a surgery and friends brought dinners but still…upon winning the lottery, my first wish will be to get someone else to cook and clean!

4.  I am a spherical thinker which to me means that I live according to my surroundings and constantly think according to that big circle around me ~ my past, my present, my future and all that encompasses the pretend circle which envelopes me as I go through life.

5.  I am in a transitional time in my life having dealt with 3 separate surgeries this year, my father’s death, the fallout from his passing, and the task of picking up the pieces in my life that I want to keep and throwing out that which doesn’t serve me anymore.

6.  I am a firm believer that it’s most important to:  Tell others through my cards how much they mean to me now (so I send a card everyday to someone) before they pass; To enjoy fresh flowers in my home whenever I want instead of by my casket when I’m dead and to connect with others while life is good ~ enjoying the Presents of Presence!

7.  I am very afraid of heights and yet I love to fly.  I yearn to take a helicopter ride and to jump out of a plane one day (Bucket List you know).

8.  I am charming (ahem ~ big smile) which is my way of saying I am quirky (see #7 as a good example)…and I believe that sometimes my hubby wishes I weren’t so darn charming!

9.  I am a people lover ~ I love to get to know others’ stories and I always root for the underdog!

10.  I am working on establishing a community for The Presents of Presence which will be expanding soon…I’d love to include you all just as you’ve included me!

I am excited to read your I AM list as well!

Please feel free to share ~ the more, the merrier!

xo