Teardrops fall unbidden
like raindrops outside the window,
nourishing the soul,
so she can blossom again.
Cleansing, letting go
of winters passed
turning a tear-streaked face
to the spring of a new dawn.
~The Presents of Presence
Shine On!
xo
Tag Archive | tears
Remember When?
Recently I attended my high school reunion. It was so much fun to see so many childhood friends that I haven’t seen in years. I guess that’s the beauty of a reunion as you get a chance to reconnect with others and you know how much I appreciate connecting with people!
It was interesting as the party went on and we reminisced ~ Remember When? ~ was often the start of a conversation which ended with giggles. Among the guests were friends whom I’ve known since Kindergarten. It’s an amazing experience to reminisce with people with whom you have gone to school for 13 years, all the way until high school graduation! Even though many of us have changed hair color, grown a little bigger and now have children of our own, it was as if by magic, SNAP, we all were back to age 16! I think that is in the ease of sharing such a group history that we all sparkled for the night!
For there’s something precious about the childhood friendship you make. There’s nothing like that good feeling of going back ‘home’ for a little while where people know your name, they know who you are, they remember you fondly and you remember them with fondness. We’ve all mellowed with age and just enjoyed being together. What a feat ~ what a gift ~ what a blessing.
Greetings with hugs and kisses on the cheek, we bonded again. Laughter filled the room as we easily joked and teased eachother like family. We talked about being grownups and parents and how our children did the same things we did. It’s hard to imagine that we are that old!
What I liked best about the night was that none of us seemed to notice the physical changes. Instead we concentrated on the friendships that had been established years before and we saw the essence of those kids we knew way back when. Many of us don’t see eachother more than at reunions, but it’s as if that history makes the immediate grin of connection smoothly jump through years of time in a flash and the comfort level is immediate as is the banter.
Being surrounded by friends who knew my essence, who knew me and accepted me for who I was and who I am is a gift. No judgment, just friendship. Growing up, many of us knew eachother’s parents and unfortunately, we have now attended quite a few funerals for them. One childhood friend in particular unexpectedly showed to my Dad’s funeral 3 years ago and when we hugged at our reunion, tears came to our eyes. I told her how it meant the world to me that she was there, even though we had lost touch. Her response that she just had to be there for me warmed my heart to its core. It was special moments like this which were so precious to me and reminded me again and again how blessed we are in this life.
There’s nothing like friendship and connecting with others, even after so many years. There are good stored memories within you which ignite and twinkle when we reminisce. It seems to me that we look for and hold onto the good in our past. At this age, it’s not so much about competition in that situation, it’s simply about connection, our youth, silly moments and sharing smiles.
Cheers to sparkling memories of Auld Lang Syne…
Shine On!
xo
Remember this song?
Smile Everyday
“I was smiling yesterday.
I am smiling today
and I will smile tomorrow.
Simply because
life is too short to cry for anything.”
– Santosh Kalwar
I just love this quote. I try to smile everyday even when I have to find something to smile about for things are too muddled to easily smile. That’s when my family and pets become my reason to smile. That’s when I count the blessings in life that I find gratitude for ~ you know, the big ones and even the small ones that we sometimes miss? I become even more aware of them than usual when I need to put a smile on my face. It’s when I walk out into nature to smile at what surrounds me ~ birds in the yard, a sunrise, and even snowflakes ~ that I feel the embrace of Mother Nature smiling on me.
It’s not that I don’t cry because I do cry sometimes. I find that my tear ducts need clearing out every once in awhile and it’s good to allow grief to pour out and cleanse my soul. So I can find my smile again and recharge.
Do you smile everyday?
What makes you smile?
Smile On!
Shine On!
xo
Daily Post ~ Moved to Tears
My younger son (not pictured above) went through a stage where he cried ~ a lot! Things just got to his little heart and he just broke down in tears. I remember when this stage happened because it felt like he cried daily (which he probably did) and everyone in our family was getting aggravated with him, including me. But then one day I asked him why he cried so much and he simply said, “It feels good,” and I immediately understood. Sometimes for me, it just feels good to have a good ol’ cry. Not a cry of personal pain, just a good cry to clean out the tear ducts.
Have you ever just cried?
I love to watch all types of movies, but some of my favs are the ones which make me cry no matter how many times I watch them. I thought I’d list them but I can’t think of any except Steel Magnolias which is one that I first saw in the movie theater with my Mom. I laughed, I cried and I loved along with all of the characters. Titanic is also a good tearduct cleaner as is Gone With the Wind for me. All of which I’ve seen numerous times. Schindler’s List is another which brings out the tissues.
My husband just doesn’t understand why I would watch and rewatch these movies when they come on HBO. Why would I endure the sadness when I adore being happy?
Why you ask? Well, sometimes it just feels good to get out of my skin and into the mind of another ~ understand and empathize with their issues ~ connect, cry and then return to my own life. Refreshed as it were ~ ready to meet my next challenge.
When was the last time you were moved to tears? You know that I just cried the other day when I had the MRI/MRA tests because I wrote about it here! which by the way, came back as normal as they can so that’s good news. Yup, I cried when they came back normal too! Guess the tearducts needed a really good wash out!
Shine On!
xo
Daily Prompt: Moved to Tears
Describe the last time you were moved to tears by something beautiful.
http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/08/10/daily-prompt-beauty/
Come Join the Celebration!
Congratulations!
February 1st, 2002 was the date that I had my bilateral mastectomy due to my breast cancer diagnosis and the pathology report which read that after my lumpectomy, I still had breast cancer in my body. It’s also the date that marks the fact that I finally took hold of my own health and my life and decided to prophylactically take the non-cancerous breast as well, much to my surgeon’s chagrin. I can happily report to you, that I still stand by my decision as it was the right one for me.
There is so much I have learned in the last 11 years since that day that I walked into the OR by myself, sobbing after being taken away from hugging my supportive husband who still stands by my side. In the wake of having had those breasts reconstructed with silicone implants twice since then and then after having one of those implants rupture last year, beginning multiple surgeries to create what I now have for breasts which is body tissue taken from other parts of my body to make new, real, soft fleshy breasts which are mine and not artificial, hard, painful implants which I had endured because I had no choice, I am celebrating!
Since my breast cancer diagnosis on New Year’s Eve of 2001, my life has changed so dramatically that words fail me in trying to explain how richer my life has become. I have endured much suffering, but I have also reaped many blessings. I am grateful for each and every day when I arise from my bed to greet the world. I am thankful for life’s blessings, the big and small ones and I know firsthand the meaning of the preciousness of time. I practice being present in my life ~ enjoying The Presents of Presence ~ meaning actually being in the moment and enjoying what that moment offers. My intent to cast worry from my shoulders is an ongoing trial in my life, but I accept that it is a work in progress.
I know I am blessed with a loving family and much support in my life and I rejoice in the fact that I can continue to send out love on a daily basis through my blog, my FB page The Presents of Presence, my SendOutCards business and my actions. I have struggled through the grief of losing my breasts, fighting the disease through multiple surgeries (more than 10 and counting), ACT (chemotherapy), radiation, the loss of my ovaries at age 35 (salpingo oophorectomy), multiple needles, shots, medications, tamoxifen, arimidex, the loss of my hair, my self-esteem, my confidence as a woman, the sad passing of friends from the same disease and the mortal fear of reoccurrence. This is not a pity party by any means, so please don’t mis-understand me. It’s actually a celebration of triumph!
My mother-in-law texted me this morning, “Have an especially happy day!” and I knew exactly what she meant for I knew that she remembered ~ and I knew that she would be there with me celebrating this momentous event. I’m still here! I have no painful implants anymore! I have come full circle today ~ from having my God-given breasts, to having them removed due to dis-ease, to having them reconstructed not once, but twice with implants, to having been miraculously restored and reconstructed with breasts again which are of my own flesh and blood.
I am not sure that if you haven’t experienced this phenomenon that you can imagine how incredible it is to be here 11 years later celebrating so many wonderful gifts that my life has brought to me. It is with heartfelt tears of joy, of gratitude and of above all, love that I write to you today. However, knowing that we all carry burdens while we endure our journey on this earth, I feel like this is OUR CELEBRATION TODAY! So please indulge me as I invite you to celebrate love and life on the first of February (don’t forget to say Rabbit Rabbit) as well as family, friends, miracles, faith, joy, laughter, tears, gratitude, blessings, health, compassion, friendship…I could go on and on!
Celebrate Today my friends…Yesterday is the past, tomorrow is the future…
Today is a gift, that’s why we call it the Present!
May The Presents of Presence
Be with You Every Day!
Shine On!
xo
The Little Soul and the Sun
The Little Soul and the Sun: A Children’s Parable Adapted from Conversations With God
By Neale Donald Walsch
I love sharing with you and today I wanted to share the special book above which my friend MoJo at Momentum of Joy! recently suggested that I should read because it was such a great little book! So, I simply hopped on my trusty kindle, the one I gifted myself this year after reading Sharechair’s all-things-kindle many posts about this wonderful machine! Within minutes and after a small credit card charge, I had downloaded the book and was ready to read it. Truly, I love the ease of technology! We are so blessed, aren’t we? I could have waited 2 days to receive the book by mail, but I felt that pull to enjoy it today and I am so grateful that I listened to myself!
It’s a children’s book, but it’s also very adult-friendly and as I began to read it and understand it, tears began trickling down my cheeks as I felt my soul start to be soothed in a way I had never before felt. It was like an avalanche of understanding that had welled up inside of me, burst through the dam that I had erected around my heart and I felt loved.
I know I’m probably not making sense again ~I guess it’s like when I recently said I feel delicious from my post The Shift to Feeling Delicious but I want you to know that this was again ~ a shift, a changing book and I wanted you to be aware of it if you weren’t already. Do you know Neale Donald Walsch? Have you heard of him? He sends daily emails which are inspiring to your inbox when you get on his list. He also has a few more books out that you can read as well.
You see, with my dad gone, it’s been a bit rocky trying to wrap up his affairs and business while mourning him ~ and having so much left unsaid. Surely there are others out there reading my blog who may have had this same experience ~ not being able to understand parts of a parent or loved one who’s passed and wanting to ask so many questions? I am sure I am not the only one, am I?
Anyway, my relationship with my dad was messy and I’ve often wondered, pondered, asked out-loud to the air, why he acted the way he did with me ~ why he treated me the way he did and hundreds of other inquiries that I had. My mom has repeatedly said that he loved me, but there are moments where I seriously doubt that he could have loved someone and still acted the way he did. His favorite saying was “You hurt the ones you love the most” ~ to which I would always reply in my head, “Then don’t love me.” It was a true conundrum to me…until now.
I won’t give away this book as I think it may read differently to each person who reads it, but I want you to know that I get it now. I understand and I am so grateful for my dear MJAngel and for her wise suggestion.
So if you’re interested in getting your own copy for yourself, your children or your grandchildren, click The Little Soul and the Sun: A Children’s Parable Adapted from Conversations With God
I look forward to hearing from you!
Do you know about Neale?
Have you read his books before?
Please share with me!
Shine On Little Souls in the Sun!
xo
Storm’s a brewin’
Lightning, Thunder, Stormy Seas…
The last few days I’ve been suffering from a migraine which usually means the barometer is changing and it has been. We’ve been having some thunderstorms, rain, sun and unusual weather. As I sit here writing this post, it’s intermittently been raining cats and dogs one minute, with thunderous clouds and loud, rolling thunder and then suddenly the sky switches to bright sunshine with the quiet roll of thunder in the background. In fact, I feel like it’s like me these days…sunshine with a touch of raincloud followed by a bit of thunder.
But I digress because I wanted to post about change and how difficult it can be on the body, the mind and others around us. I think this is where my inner and outer thunderclouds have originated. I’m on a changing cycle I think and it’s a bit stormy here for me as I go through the changes. I’m a bit daunted to be honest by the unknown ahead, but having delved into the unknown before, I am shoring up my courage to keep taking baby steps.
The outer thunder is just the careless roar of others which I can deal with although I’d prefer calm, sun-filled moments. But that’s ok for me. I’ve been through far worse. The inner thunder is more treacherous to me and having experienced it before, it leaves me a little shaky these days. Nothing like a touch of the unknown to scare me a bit.
I remember when I was first diagnosed, I was afraid to cry. Imagine being afraid to cry!? But I was afraid that if I started to cry, I’d never stop. Now I know that sounds silly, but to me, it was perfectly logical. I was unable to mourn the loss of my breasts because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to stop crying about it. So I held the pain inside until I almost burst. Then a very dear friend told me not to be afraid to cry because eventually I’d stop…and those simple words, ‘eventually you’ll stop’ made all the difference in the world to me. And the shift happened.
I cried for the loss of my breasts, for the time I spent in chemo, radiation, in hospitals, alone…I cried for the time I worried that I wouldn’t see my boys become teenagers. I cried through sad movies, silly commercials and any true life story article or movie or book I could put my hands on. It was like I needed that reason to cry and not the reason that I had in my own life and heart. But through allowing those tears to escape me, I felt the weight of the sadness lifting from my soul and my heart. It was when I allowed myself to cry, I was able to heal my heart and begin to take baby steps again.
It’s been a busy 8 weeks since my Dad passed and I’ve not had a lot of time to mourn the loss. I know all about the grieving process having endured it when I had breast cancer 10 years ago. I’ve been moving along through the 7 steps, only to stagger now. But in the thundercloud where I am presently, it’s only fitting that a storm’s a brewin’ because I think many changes have occurred in the last 8 weeks of my life…and I just have to keep my thoughts on the prize of a sparkling rainbow!
Cheers to fears, tears and thunderclouds…
for they make the Rainbows that much sweeter!
xo
Gratitude…
The possibilities are endless!
I guess you could say there are two ways to look at life ~ there are limited possibilities or none at all…and then there’s the way I LOVE to look at EVERYTHING~
The Possibilities are ENDLESS!!
I don’t know about you, but I love the positive expansion of ENDLESSNESS rather than the negativity of limitation. Don’t you think that’s the better choice?
Many people talk about gratitude lately ~ give thanks for what you have and more comes to you. While I agree with that theory and have seen it in action myself, I also think that we need to appreciate the people in our lives! Having had my dad pass away recently and two friends’ moms pass away (one in January and one last week), I realize that what we possibly put off until tomorrow, we miss out on today. All those things we wanted to say, but didn’t…the wish that you could have told them that they were special…all those woulda, coulda, shoulda’s that are now gone because that moment is now lost.
I”m not saying that there aren’t angelic ways of communication after passing, but that time for human connection is lost once a person has passed. When I went to my friend’s mom’s wake last night, her dad told me how much my card had meant to her. I had sent her a card last year telling her how much I appreciated her. It came out of the blue and was a simple card. Nothing fancy, just heartfelt and personal, but the connection was one which even a year later, her husband remembered.
We are all connected ~ in joy, in tears ~ in life.
Join me in the Gratitude Movement…
xo
Gratitude Day 10 ~ Daddy’s Rainbow
Yesterday was a very hard day for my family as my Dad’s situation worsened as the day went on which finally culminated in him being moved to ICU. He wasn’t getting enough oxygen and his veins were unable to be accessed since he was so dehydrated even though he was being given an IV. By 10:30pm at night, we were thinking the worst ~ my Mom, my sister AAngel and me. In a panic, earlier in the day, I called my friend BAngel, sobbing uncontrollably as I told her what was going on. It was so hard for me to stay away from his bedside but I had to for his health as well as my own. I was unable to fathom that I might never see him again alive and was trying to comfort myself in the knowledge that the last time I had seen him, we had chatted amiably for over 2 hours which was so nice. He had come over with my Mom to my house and it was just the 3 of us for awhile. It hadn’t been just the 3 of us talking for a long time.
BAngel spoke to me in the most loving way possible. As she gently explained what I needed to do and changed my way of thinking, I felt an increase in peaceful thoughts permeate my being, knowing that I had no control over the situation and that I just needed to be supportive to everyone involved ~ be the base camp for AAngel and my Mom ~ and send loving thoughts to my Dad. When I allowed her sage wisdom to stay in my heart and mind, I was able to function, but when I allowed myself to succumb to fear and ego, I became a blubbering mess.
Last night when I laid my head upon the pillow, I spoke to God/Universe and to my Dad directly. It was an amazing feeling as I felt as if I were speaking to him directly even though I knew he was so sedated that he wasn’t connecting with anyone at all. But spirit to spirit, I believe we communicated. Now you might think it strange for me to feel this way, but I know what I felt and the peace it gave me. I went to sleep knowing that tomorrow would be a new day and hoped that I would not get a phone call during the night from the hospital nor from AAngel.
I happily report today how GRATEFUL I am that I awoke at 5am without having a sad phone call interrupting my sleep. I’ve called the hospital already this morning to hear that he is alert, in grave condition, but there’s hope.
I took a drive yesterday afternoon to get out of the house ~ as I left the house, the skies opened up and we had thunder, lightning and a rainstorm. Suddenly, the sun peaked out and although it was still raining, all of a sudden I saw this beautiful rainbow. So I followed it until I could find a safe place to park and take a picture. Growing up my Mom would call a sunny rainstorm ~ the Devil is beating his wife ~ I have no idea what that means…but we’ve always said it.
Scientifically, I know why we had the rainbow, but in my heart, I believe it was my Gift from God ~ a Gift of Faith, Love and Understanding. So I’ve nicknamed that rainbow Daddy’s Rainbow today…and for Father’s Day it will be his card. Prayers said, fingers crossed and giving the situation up to God/Universe.
Thanks for all of your prayers, comforting messages and thoughts.
I appreciate you all!
xo
My Gratitude….
Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a gift and not giving it. William Arthur Ward
Since my surgery on May 9th, I have not written a blog posting. In fact, I’ve done nothing but try to recover from my 9.5 hour surgery. It’s been a grueling recovery coupled with a few complications which made my life more difficult and messy. But today, 18 days later, I am beginning to feel like me again even though I’m still enduring the complications which are colitis. YUCK.
I’ve cried many tears these past days, tears of pain, tears of weakness and tears of joy that the first of the series of surgeries is over. I have cried because I am dealing with so much pain, cried out in frustration at my body’s inability to cope with the colitis and all around crying because I have had to endure this entire situation again. And no, I don’t have a re-occurrence of cancer, but I do have a breast cancer related issue which perhaps I’ll delve into at another point.
But I’ve most importantly found myself crying tears of gratitude for the wondrous angels who’ve surrounded me during this period of time. I think my family tires of my tears which rise unbidden when I find myself so utterly grateful for the kindnesses that are shown to me. My sensitivity to feeling loved has emerged and I thank all who have helped me during this time.
I had nurses, who reached out to comfort me when things were really bad in the hospital. Much of my time there was spent in an ICU unit which gave me sweet nurses who had the uncanny ability to connect with me and make me feel as if I were the only patient they had (even though I was not). At NYU I had a room with a view of the water which to me is such a soothing sight that when I would lie awake at night, alone in my thoughts, I would watch the lights twinkling on the water below. How grateful was I to be able to see the water from which I find strength.
At home, my family and friends reached out to help me through and I can’t thank them enough. I am eternally grateful for many of the sacrifices they gave in order to help me heal…..and that they are still doing to help me heal. My surgery was necessary and I know that I am happy it was able to be scheduled so quickly as it needed to be done immediately. For that, I am grateful as well.
When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, my “Why ME?” question ignited my soul and helped me to help others. Again, I”m asking, “Why ME?” and I’m feeling like I have a similar answer…10 years later…this journey, this purpose is not over for me because I feel like there’s more to do.
And for that, I am grateful.
Happy Sunday to All of You!
xo
Misifusa's Blog 