Tag Archive | sadness

Rainy Days and Mondays…

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Rainy Days and Mondays…

My heartfelt gratitude to all of you who stopped by my blog to send hugs yesterday.  I truly appreciated all of the kindness and love that you showered over me.  Like the rain which has been falling, your loving gestures wrapped me in a blanket of love and gratitude for our connections.  Near and far, you helped me immensely by caring ~ and isn’t that what life is all about?  Sharing, caring and loving connections?

I think sometimes we feel alone and get into our heads that we have to forge ahead, doing it ourselves.  When we get overwhelmed with life’s experiences, we huddle in our aloneness and the story that we have to shoulder it all by ourselves.  Perhaps we view asking for help as weakness, when in fact, I believe, it shows strength.  There is strength in vulnerability.  There is strength in kindness.  There is strength in knowing that you need a hug (virtual or otherwise) now and again.

Sometimes people misunderstand a loving heart and see it as a weakness.  They view caring as being vulnerable and not being strong.  But in fact, I believe, that in being a loving heart and caring, connecting and reaching out to others with our whole selves is a strength for it is not always easy to be the one who prefers peace, love and understanding in their life.

Some find it’s easier to rant, rave and bulldoze to get your own way instead of taking the time to be with life situations with a loving heart.  Loving hearts may get broken easier, but the payoff is priceless and precious to know you love from your heart.  Superficial love is easier to manage because you can walk away.  Real love is doing the work to stay connected even when it’s hard.  I’m not saying that there aren’t times which warrant walking away because I believe there are.  Nor do I blame those that do, for it is every individual’s right to choose their life path.  Sometimes we need to walk away to clear our heads and see from the observer’s point of view and then we can make the right decision for ourselves.

Bottom line, I am thankful for all of the hugs sent my way and as promised, I send double the loving hugs back to you and out into the world.  I hope you understand that I just needed a hug, a connection, a bit of kindness and your response was so generously loving that I actually felt your love-filled umbrella on a rainy day (hence the photo today).  You made a difference.  ♥

Snuggled down on another dreary day, my strength increases again thanks to you.  My smile widens, my heart feels fuller and peace fills in the empty spaces.  It’s just that there are times when we all simply need a hug…

My heartfelt hugs to all of you, always.

Shine On!

xo

 

 

Can You Please Send A Hug?

sendahugCan You Please Send A Hug?

It’s not often that I ask for hugs, but I could use a lil’ one today.  If you happen to have an extra hug, or a smile, or an extra kiss you can blow to me so that I can catch it and place it on my cheek, I would be so appreciative.  I promise to send you back all the sweetness that you send to me and more.

There’s nothing really wrong today.  Nothing worse than the usual up and down in my world so don’t be alarmed.  I just need a little extra warmth today for whatever reason ~ and I’m not even sure I know the reason I’m asking for it.

Heartlight is a bit dim today.  I’d be grateful for any you could spare.

Thanks for being you.  You are loved, by me.

Shine On!

xo

Being Strong Is Hard

stronglikeabull

*Warning, reader discretion is advised.

My heart is breaking.  I just want to sob and be held by someone who cares.  I want to cry freely without worry and be comforted by someone who doesn’t need for me to be strong for them.  It can’t be fixed what I’m enduring.  I don’t want you to fix it.  I just want to be protected for a few minutes, be held and loved for who I am and to be comforted and not have to comfort someone else for awhile.  Is it too much to ask?

Tears fall, unbidden so much these days.  I’m not a really pretty crier either which doesn’t help.  I’m the gal who gets a red nose and blubbery.  You know that type that doesn’t cry often, but when she does, it comes from the depths of her solar plexus in big heaps of sadness?  That’s me.

Although I’ve been known to get quietly teary on occasion at a movie, at a tender moment, when the beauty of life hits me in a certain way or when I look at my once vibrant Mama and know that there’s a little vacancy now behind the eyes that she’s trying desperately to hide and I’m trying so hard to not see.

Life’s just not easy these days.  I miss so much that’s not mine.  I need a friend to lean on and I’m really alone.  It’s hard to take on all of this by myself even though I have help.  It’s frustrating, heart-breaking and I feel like I’m in solitary confinement with the weight of the world on me.  I’m just so darn sad and alone.

I hate this.  I hate feeling so alone.  I dislike feeling like I need someone to hold me because I know there’s nobody.  On one hand, I know I’ve got it.  I can do this.  I’ve had to deal with more than this instance.  On the other, I’m tired of cleaning up everyone else’s messes and I’m frustrated with their ability to just hand over everything to me as if I will always pick up the pieces to make it right for everyone else.

Sure, I can find peace within myself and peace within the stillness.  But I want to be coddled for a few minutes.  Rock me Mama in that rocking chair.  Make it all go away for a few minutes please.  I wish you could do that again for me, be my Mama…and let me be a little girl if only for a few minutes…it would be so nice…take away the boo boo, kiss me, snuggle me and remind me that you are powerful and that I am protected.  Pretty please?

Shine On!

xo

 

In Remembrance

24905_All Saint’s Day ~ El Día de Muertos ~ The Day of the Dead ~ is a day of remembrance for those who have passed ~ for those who etch themselves on our hearts, never to be forgotten.  Today I honor them all and I hope you will give a moment to honor your loved ones who have passed as well.  Just for a moment, be grateful for having had the chance to know them.  Blessings don’t always come wrapped up in a pretty bow.  Sometimes it takes awhile to know what was a blessing.  ♥

There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
And some have gone, and some remain

All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I love them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new

Though I know I’ll never ever lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Songwriters:  John Lennon/Paul McCartney, sung by Bette Midler

Shine On!
xo
P.S.  Don’t forget Rabbit Rabbit!

Please help ~ Orb of Light and Flickering Electricity?

72670098_With deepest sympathy for your loss

I talk with my Mom everyday, sometimes more than 2x a day and yesterday she told me what had happened the night before ~ and I want to tell you so that perhaps you can literally shed some light on the subject ~ pun most definitely intended. ♥

Awakened in the middle of the night, Mom saw a bright white ball of light on her bed.  Her room was darkened, so that no light was visible.  The light could not be reflected from anywhere else.  It was there, on it’s own, positioned on her bed, on her legs.  She said she watched it for a long time, wondering what it was and trying to figure out where it was coming from but she couldn’t see how it could just be there.

She said when she moved her legs, it moved with her.  It just stayed with her, a white orb, settled on top of the covers, on her legs.  It stayed for a long, long time ~ she fell asleep watching it.  And she wondered if it was my Dad, her husband, who died on June 21st last year.

She thought I might think she was losing her mind, but I don’t.  Not at all.  I think perhaps it was my Dad, come to visit her and stay awhile.  To simply let her know that he’s around, watching over her perhaps?  She also told me how her kitchen light blinks crazily at times (he loved to sit at the kitchen table reading the paper) and she’s even had the electrician in twice to check it, but there’s nothing wrong with it.  Jokingly we’ve said it was my Dad because when he passed, the hospital lost all electricity for a few moments until the generator kicked in.

And now that I’m thinking of it, we had a thunderstorm the other day and my lights didn’t go out, but my clicker fireplace went on full blast and wouldn’t turn off ~ the electricity jolt of the lightning also fried my cablebox, internet router and 3 plugs on the tv.  Could that be Dad too?  If it was, I’d like to ask him not to put on such a show and break things! 🙂

I would love it if anyone could shed some light on this as we’re flummoxed.  Do you have any stories of departed loved ones who’ve returned in different ways?  I won’t think you’re crazy if you have had some experiences that you can’t explain ~ please feel free to share.  You know tomorrow’s Father’s Day, perhaps that’s why he’s here?  Didn’t want to miss out on his special day?  Perhaps I need a medium?

Thanks for all of your help!

Shine On!

xo

Yes, keep shining that light Dad! ♥

Psst ~ Can I Tell You A Secret?

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Can I tell you a secret?

I cannot reveal the most significant secret I’ve kept, but I’ve kept it for over 30 years.  The truth has come out to a few trusted souls, but not many.

I think keeping secrets eats away at the soul, drowning the spirit in layers of lies upon lies in order to not reveal the original secret.  It’s detrimental to all involved, but especially to children.  The resentment of keeping a secret erodes the body like a cancer.

Telling the secret can sometimes be a guilty, sticky situation for the teller and listener.  It is with utmost caution that one lets the secret out of the bag like the proverbial cat when you can.  It’s not easy, it’s scary and it’s difficult.  And it’s a job I don’t recommend.

Shine On!

xo

Daily Prompt: Evasive Action

What’s the most significant secret you’ve ever kept? Did the truth ever come out?

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/05/06/daily-prompt-secrets/

Pink Post ~ Choose Hope

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Once you choose hope, anything’s possible. ~ Christopher Reeve

You make hundreds of thousands of decisions everyday!  You choose your meals, your clothing, the time you wake up and the time you go to bed at night.  You decide how you are going to spend your time, move your body and what you are going to say ~ or not say.

You hold the power to choose ~ and they are your choices to make!

For me, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer,  I was devastated as I’m sure most people are when they are faced with a traumatic event.  It matters not what the trauma is whether it be illness, death, tragedy ~ the devastation is there as it is a change which challenges every fiber of our being.

But what you do with the trauma, how you deal with it, is your choice and nobody else’s.

For some, the above hurts because we want someone else to take the reins while we wallow in the negativity ~ the sadness, the self-pity, the victim mentality.  We want to blame someone else for the situation whether it is another’s fault or not.  We want to escape from the new reality and run away from the news.  We’d rather hide and just be left alone.  We want life as it was before we heard the news.  We don’t want to accept this new chapter nor the change in our lives.  We long for the moments before we heard or read or knew or experienced  the trauma.  We want to buck the system, retreat and change it.  We don’t want to accept the news.  We fight the change.  We simmer in our sadness.  We don’t want to go with the flow, we want to be left alone.

But, after our initial response, we have to make a decision that will change the way things work for us.  And it is our choice to make.

For me, choosing hope was easier as I’m a glass 1/2 full type of gal as I’ve mentioned before ~ but not everyone feels that way and I understand.  For those who see that glass as 1/2 empty, my heart goes out to you as this is a burden.  It’s a habit, it’s a comfortable way you’ve been living that needs to change for anything is possible.  I realize that when it’s the trauma of a death of a loved one, there is no hope for change ~ at least not that we can bring back our loved one.  I know, I’ve been there before.

But having said that, I’ve learned that once we can turn to acceptance of the new normal, of the heart-wrenching loss, we can begin to move on and find hope.  For me, my Dad’s death impacted my life in a very traumatic way ~ but now 9 months later, I am learning to go with the flow ~ to accept this new normal with all of its additional responsibilities.  I’m learning to forgive, to let go and to allow the healing that time spreads like a balm on the soul.

I love this quote from Christopher Reeve and I imagine in my heart and mind the gut wrenching challenges he endured as he tried to heal his broken body.  He shone like a lighthouse ~ he continued to hope for a cure, for a change, for a medical breakthrough, not just for himself but for all who were paralyzed.  He held onto that hope of possibility with Superman strength and continued to light the way for others ~ using himself as an example.

I know that for me, I asked the question, “Why me?” to the Heavens.  Why me?  Why not me?  I still don’t know the answer to that question, but I believe my life experiences have given me a gift ~ to choose hope, to be a friend to others, to understand and to empathize because of my experiences.  It hasn’t been easy and it’s been a long time coming this peace within that I’ve been creating.  In my heart, I wish I’d never had cancer or endured so much sadness in my life, but I hold the hope that if my story, my experiences, my life can help another person, well, then it’s not been a life in vain for it has helped others.

It’s a process, this healing, no matter what tragedy you are dealing with, but I know for sure that when you hold hope in your heart, the possibilities are endless.  That’s what I wish for you today and everyday ~

I wish you HOPE!

Choose Hope…Anything is possible.

Shine On!

xo

Mourning I’m Broken

chessie

The news wasn’t good yesterday at the Vet.  My girl’s been diagnosed with lymphoma, with a fast growing tumor which has wrapped itself around her intestines.  At 2 months shy of her 17th birthday, and according to the vet, 4 years past average life expectancy, with losing 3 lbs already since December, the news is just not good.  But being me, I bend my head in gratitude for all of the blessings both big and small and the coincidences which albeit tiny matter magnificently  https://misifusa.wordpress.com/2013/03/18/lion-roars-a-confession/  for when I called the vet yesterday, I was able to get my favorite vet who has known Chessie for 17 years.  I wept unabashedly in the examination room as the doctor gave me the news.  She spent almost an hour with me, going over options, scenarios and examining Chessie quite thoroughly.

I think what I love most about our vet is her compassion and the way in which she treats our pets.  She tenderly spoke to Chessie, lifting her a gentleness for which I was grateful.  She even talks to her as if they are speaking ~ she’s always done it ~ and yesterday I ventured to ask if she had the gift of hearing Chessie speak, but she skirted the issue.  Perhaps she didn’t want to tell that she could understand her because quite frankly, I’ve always thought there was something extraordinary about our vet.  She just seems to know about our pets.

When she delivered the news, she unceremoniously held Chessie’s ears as if she didn’t want her to hear what we were talking about so that it wouldn’t color the patient’s outlook on life.  It was done unconsciously I think ~ and as she explained her diagnosis, the possibility of treatment which would include chemo etc. and how she personally felt about the whole thing, she continued to pet Chessie and keep her happy.  I sat across from her, afraid to get up for fear I would faint away.  So instead, I wept in my chair, dabbing my face with tissues as I tried to imagine how I would tell the boys and my husband what she was saying.

I spent most of yesterday crying for both of us.  In fact, tears come unbidden when I am not attentive to my thoughts or when I let them stray.  So in the meantime, Chessie and I continue to bond with her staying by my side as I write this morning.  We have yet to tell our sons, but because Chessie is not in pain (which matters magnificently), we have some time.  I think we’ll have the talk tonight with them and plan for Friday so that we can all still have some time to spend with her.  For we are blessed to have had her for almost 17 years, she has given to us more than we have given to her as a stray.  She has filled our hearts and our days with laughter at her antics, to healing with her purring, to love with her affection.  She has been a part of our family for almost as long as we have been married.

It’s going to be a difficult time for all of us ~ especially for my hubby and me because she’s our first ~ and because she’s been like our little guardian angel ~ ok, she’s been my ever present guardian angel.  And I know, she’ll still be with me when she crosses over because our bond is so strong, but it just won’t be the same.  I look for her everyday and every night and all the time in between.

I don’t want her to suffer as she is weakening quickly.  I want to hold her as she passes so that I can be with her just like she’s been with me for so many years.  I’ve told you how she never left my side throughout my breast cancer journey.  Even through last year’s 4 surgeries, she stayed by my side, always purring me into healing in fact, she’s been there for me for all 14 surgeries.

Right now, she’s snuggled on a blanket next to me, eyes 1/2 open, breathing rhythmically, just resting.  Every few minutes, I reach over to snuggle with her, burying my tear-stained face in her fur.  I know she knows ~ and as always, she’s being strong for me ~ I am just so grateful for her being ~ God Bless my little kitty.

One of my Dad’s favorite songs was Morning Has Broken, so please enjoy ~ and don’t forget to Shine On! xo

Instead it is I, who bends her lioness head in gratitude for all of the blessings both big and small and the coincidences which albeit tiny, matter magnificently.

Enjoy Life!

29117_I wanted something light today, a little something special for a Wednesday and this card just spoke to me this morning!  In fact, when I saw it, it made me thing of The Byrds song Turn! Turn! Turn! from 1965 which is a bit before my time, but enjoyable and perfect for my thoughts today.  You see, as much as I adore happiness, we fully appreciate how lovely happiness is when we’ve also experienced sadness.  And quite frankly, is there anyone out there reading my blog who hasn’t experienced sadness at some point? 

We’ve all traveled on this life’s journey which is filled with hills and valleys ~ that’s the way life is!  It’s unreasonable to think that we can la la through life without some dips in the road.  But what sets us apart is that when the dips in the road arrive, we can keep taking baby steps to endure them, learn from them and ultimately shine because of them!

So please ENJOY LIFE and enjoy a little Wednesday music!

Shine On!

xo

Daily Prompt: Shoulda Woulda Coulda Confession

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Daily Prompt: Shoulda Woulda Coulda

Tell us about something you know you should do . . . but don’t.

Ok, here goes…I’ve got a confession to make and I hope you don’t run away.  Lately this topic has been coming at me in all different ways so I guess this daily prompt was the last straw because you see, I’m a CLUTTERBUG.  There, I said it.  I’m not a hoarder (at least not like what you see with garbage piled up everywhere).  Oh no…that’s not me at all!  I’m not that far gone!  But I have slid from the girl who was always well organized to one where I have stashes of clutter in boxes, in closets, under the bed and in my office.  In fact, I have to tell you honestly how much it bothers me that I can’t throw things out.  Now again, let’s be clear here…it’s not garbage that is piling up in those places, it’s just stuff ~ memories ~ my prom gown from 25+ years ago, my 2 wigs that I wore when I lost my hair to chemo, old clothes that I think I shouldn’t throw out in case I gain or lose weight, old shoes that perhaps may come back into style, books that I would like to someday read, old toys of the kids that they adored, tons of  paperwork that I think I may need from my cancer diagnosis over 11 years ago, I could go on and on!

I have old calendars, I have old letters (boxes of them), old notebooks with stories written in them that someday (ahem) I may make into a book.  I have pony tail holders from when my hair was long, I have stashes of “what if I need this” piled high in closets which are finally driving me crazy enough to do something about them.

Because I am finally feeling like I have the energy to tackle this stuff…albeit I”m not sure I can really do it on my own.  Because to me, those things evoke memories and I’m afraid that if I throw them out or donate them or sell them, that the memory will vanish when the item is released as well.  And it’s a fine line for me considering that I’ve been living with chemo brain fog for a long time and it’s never come back much to my disappointment.

I just did a tapping seminar online which dealt with clutter which really opened my eyes to the reason for my clutter.  Because I”m not a lazy person at heart.  Honest.  Although to others who are not clutterbugs, it does seem like I am just too lazy to put things away or to throw out what’s not being used.  But that’s not the case and it was a huge relief in my heart to take this seminar and realize that I’m not alone in my feelings nor my situation and that yes, it can improve and be solved!  In fact, it delved into the psyche of a cluttered life and I think I’ve realized the beginning ~ 11 years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer!  That was the start, although it was gradual, but it just piled up to the point of immense sadness, trauma both to my body, mind and heart and it was earth-shattering to me to realize what the catalyst was for it and how it can be changed and fixed and solved.  I can’t even begin to explain to you how this seminar simply cracked open my heart with tears and emotions flooding my being because I hadn’t realized how much the clutter and the guilt of the situation was hurting my psyche, my daily life and affecting me in such a profound way.

To others, it’s clutter….just clean it up.  To me, it was something else entirely and with the tapping seminar (which was free that day), it just came to me in the most healing way.  Now I just need a friend to hold my hand and help me to continue on my journey with it so that I can get it done and move on!  Because even though I’d thought I’d moved on, I was stuck and I’m just now unsticking myself from the trauma of being diagnosed with breast cancer.  I’m not making excuses for myself, but I am learning more about myself and discovering that I had covered up much pain with the clutter.  Like a protective shell around my life and heart and I want to be free of it now.  It doesn’t serve me anymore and I want to be clear, to be happy and to be clutter free.

Part of the shame, the sadness and the fear in clutter has to do with control.  It’s almost a punishment if you will (I’m loosely quoting this online course) to the person who is the clutterbug because we don’t feel worthy of having a perfect house or of knowing where things are or of being able to live with the memories and not the item to call them up.  I’ve read of people who take pictures of their gown so that they can remember it, but knowing me, the picture would end up in a pile somewhere and I’d be finding it in another 10 year (although a snapshot would certainly free up the closet space!)

Do you have this issue?  Do you hide it as well?  On the outside, I try to keep the public rooms of the house in a tidy condition.  With an active family and pets it’s a bit difficult, but I manage.  But I don’t want you upstairs in my house.  I want it private for fear that you’ll think badly of me because of my unorganized stock piles!  What would you think if you walked into my office and when you opened the door, a barrage of paperwork greeted you?  I know how I’d feel if you saw it ~ humiliated, sad, upset, ashamed, guilty, unloved, aggravated.

So my public flogging is over ~ I’ve aired my clutter laundry and I’m going to continue on my quest for a happier, clutter-free me.  I actually started throwing out paperwork yesterday.  I spent 3 hours in the office and I have 3 huge garbage bags to be shred.  I am also getting rid of a bunch of the kids’ toys and now my job is to find a place which needs gently used toys.

And as I sit here tap tap tapping away on the keyboard and alternating tapping on my pressure points on my body, I want to do a shout out to Elisa at http://elisacashiola.com/  who inspired me to work on my office over a year ago with the promise of helping me Feng Shui it (which is still on hold but not for long)!   Check out her blog because she’s got some amazing tips on how to make your house a home!  In fact, she helped me move my mirror from my front door and I felt the change…now imagine how powerful I’m to be when I am clutter-free!

Woo Hoo!  Fellow clutterbugs unite ~ or better yet

Let’s UNTIE ourselves from the bonds of clutter! 

Ready, Set…GO!

Shine On!

xo

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/daily-prompt-shoulda/