Pink Post ~ Breast Cancer Implant Pain

So it’s another Pink Post today ~ perhaps because I”m facing yet another surgery next month that I feel that this is pertinent today ~ or perhaps because I’ve been shopping for a bathing suit which is a challenge to most women, but to a woman who’s lost her breasts, it’s especially difficult.  Being pasty white due to the still winter season here makes the imperfections stand out in that lonely dressing room mirror ~ don’t you think?  I mean, even if you’re just a regular gal, it’s daunting to bathing suit shop at any time.

It is hard to accept the new normal when dealing with the physical changes that breast cancer brings to your life.  If you’ve had breast cancer,  you know that there are restrictions in the top area of a suit.  No underwire and sometimes we need a bit of oomph in that area ~ ok, who am I kidding, we always need a bit of oomph there!  If you’ve endured a mastectomy (single or bilateral), you may require prosthetics or perhaps you’ve had reconstruction or perhaps you’ve opted for neither.  Either way, if you’re bathing suit shopping, it’s a hassle.

I had implants ~ I endured surgeries for 2 sets of silicone ~ one in 2002 when the only option was the flat, round type which we jokingly referred to as stripper boobs and the second in 2007 which again were silicone, but these were billed as the fancy shmancy tear-drop shaped, gummie bear implants which were to give a girl that hershey kiss natural look!  Oh la la!

Well, bottom line for me was that my body disliked any implants and twisted them up inside of my breasts so that I endured terrible pain 24/7.  In fact, it wasn’t until 2012 when I had to have them removed because one ruptured and leaked that I realized the amount of pain that I’d accepted as my new normal.  But like the butterfly which transforms from the egg, to the caterpillar, to the pupa and finally to the beautiful butterfly ~ it’s how I feel about my breast cancer journey.  11 years ago, my breasts were removed to save my life ~ implants were used to make me look normal ~ and unfortunately, they twisted and turned inside me until one ruptured ~ and now I’ve transformed again ~ using my own skin and flesh to make real warm breasts from my own body ~ which won’t twist, rupture or be rejected!  It’s amazing to me now to be pretty much pain free without my implants.

Even more amazing to me is that I have breasts again…I’ve come full circle.  11 years later, my body is mangled, scarred and numb in many places, but I have breasts again ~ squishy, fleshy, warm breasts.  If you’ve been on the breast cancer journey, you’ll understand the mind-blowing significance of my statement and of the life changing moment to which I’m referring.  I have breasts, healthy breasts again.  This morning I feel that in my soul and in my body for the first time.  I feel like a butterfly.

There are strange things happening in my body which I find so interesting too.  I’m growing hair!  Yes, I know, it sounds strange to be excited for this fact, but it’s true.  I am excited because even my hair dresser thinks that my hair is growing back!  I lost all of my hair with chemotherapy and when it returned, it returned as 85% grey (so lovely at age 35) and very thin!  Not that I didn’t have fine hair when it fell out, but it came in even finer upon its return.  Lately though, my hair feels and looks thicker and I believe that it’s due to the fact that I no longer sport silicone implants.  Now I”m not saying this against them, I’m just telling you what’s going on with me.

I’ve endured 3 surgeries in the past year which were required to remove the leaking silicone implants and actually make breasts from my own body tissues.  It’s been grueling to say the least and at times, I wondered to myself if all of the pain and suffering that I endured in 2012 was worth it.

Well, I’m here to tell you that YES IT WAS!  For the first time in 11 years, I am trying on bathing suits without hard implants for breasts and it’s a glorious feeling!  For the first time in years, the body temperature of my breasts isn’t 5 degrees colder than the rest of my body!  Now when I hug others, I can actually feel them and there’s not 2 hard lumps between us.  It’s wonderful, it’s exciting and it’s almost like a rebirth!

To think that modern medicine has come so far as to be able to do this makes me weep with gratitude.  Now if we could just eradicate breast cancer in it’s entirety ~ that’s my wish ~ eradicate all cancers!  I still have another surgery for this year to continue this progression, but I can tell you one thing for sure ~ DON’T GIVE UP!   And Lands End has a bunch of mastectomy friendly suits!

Heartfelt thanks to Dr. Christina Ahn!

Big hugs!

Shine On!

xo

Daily Prompt ~ Changes!

Change is beautifully inevitable

Daily Prompt: Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

You need to make a major change in your life. Do you make it all at once,

cold turkey style, or incrementally?

For me, changes have never been subtle in my life.  They’ve arrived cold turkey style and left me scrambling to start swimming in order to not drown under the tsunami of change.  Many of the changes took me a long time to come to terms with as some of them were life altering as many changes can be.  Take for instance being diagnosed with an illness such as cancer ~ or being told of the death of a loved one.  Those changes are life altering in and of themselves and they are changes which do not allow for a u-turn in the road of life.  You just have to keep swimming with the tide afterwards.

So I have turned to the cold turkey style of change as my comfort zone in life even though it may take me baby steps in time to allow for the adjustment that the change brings so in that case, I guess my answer is both incrementally and cold turkey!  The change itself, is cold turkey style, but the adjustment which occurs after it, is incremental.  Does that make sense?

For example, when I had my double mastectomy due to breast cancer, even though I was reconstructed in the OR so that I wouldn’t awaken without some type of mound on my chest, the change was most definitely cold turkey style.  There is nothing like falling asleep with my own soft breasts only to awaken with hard, unmoving and cold lumps called tissue expanders under the skin where previously there was warmth.  It took me a long time to be able to change my thoughts, my feelings about myself and find a new normal in accepting my new body, life and scars.  And I won’t say it is easy because it’s not, but I will say it is do-able and this gal who I am now, has a much richer life than before she was diagnosed in 2001.

Even when I was losing my hair due to the ACT chemotherapy that I was taking, I opted to cut off my own hair cold turkey and then incrementally go bald!  Once my hair began coming out in clumps in the shower which is an emotional roller coaster ride even though I knew it was going to happen, I decided to take control over my life and in turn, over the breast cancer that riddled my body.  With a bottle of champagne in one hand and my hair festooned with pink ribbon pony tails, my husband and I celebrated my taking control over my cancer.  Celebratory swigs bonded us as I carefully cut off the pony tails to my scalp, holding the clumps of hair by the pink ribbons.  I remember with the first cut that I couldn’t’ stop giggling because what woman in her right mind takes a pair of scissors to her head and chops off a clump of her hair?  I mean really?  But I did it and it was freeing!  Oh so freeing!

I took off about 10 pony tails (which I still have 2 of my original hair) and looked into the mirror.  All was fun and joyous until I realized that I had big clumps of missing hair on my head.  My gentle and sweet husband to whom I am still so grateful to be married, kissed and held me and then proceeded to cut my hair into a really short pixie style a la Mia Farrow.  (Thank goodness he wasn’t drinking as much champagne as I was that day!)

When he was finished, we looked into the bathroom mirror together and he held me ~ cradling me with his love ~ and he told me that ‘this too shall pass’ for which I believed him.

The next morning, my pillow looked as if a cat had slept on it as it was covered with my pixie short hairs which broke my heart.  So that night, my husband buzzed my head so that I wouldn’t have to awaken with the sadness of looking at my pillow and it was better for me.  Done ~ cold turkey ~ and I felt as though I could move on with my wig, my scarves and my hats.

I have walked through hell and have kept walking for which I am so grateful and I believe that’s why I write my blog ~ because I want to inspire and be inspired by all of you.  For you see, change is inevitable in our lives, so we have to keep evolving, keep flowing with our lives and keep taking baby steps forward.  We can change our course of direction at any time, but we can’t go backwards.  We can only stand still when we need to rest and then begin again.

What makes the changes easier is when we allow ourselves to connect with others on this lifetime journey.  Taking hold of a hand which is offered to you eases the transition of change.  It’s in those moments when we realize that we are all connected here and that change can be beautiful.  Keep smiling!

Shine On!

xo

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/02/04/daily-prompt-changes/

A Series of Miracles…

Life is a Series of Thousands of Tiny Miracles ~ Mike G.

I have been on an incredible journey the last 2 weeks which without sharing too much, I will tell you that I am having an amazing surgery on May 9th in NYC which is going to be executed by 2 pioneers of this procedure which will change my life forever, for the better.  To tell you that I am so very grateful for the journey that has easily led me here is an understatement.  I have repeatedly cried tears of gratitude over the past 2 weeks as I am so very blessed to be given this rare opportunity to change my life and my body for the better.

As a breast cancer survivor, I have endured many surgeries, chemotherapy and radiation.  In the past 10 years alone, I have endured 6 surgeries.  I have lived with a numbing pain that never leaves me and is such a part of my life that quite honestly, I can’t remember what it’s like to not be in pain.  To have the gift of the opportunity to remove the implants which have plagued me for 10 years and are causing me increased pain and complications even after having them already replaced once to no avail is such a blessing to me that it makes me tear up even as I write this to you.

I couldn’t have orchestrated the timing, the help, the benevolence, the serendipity of all of the amazing coincidences which seems to miraculously appear and make my life and my decision easier.  I know that I am meant to have this surgery right now as all the planning in the world couldn’t have lined up my stars, my appointments, my angelic helpers and the blessings that have rained down on me like cherry blossom petals in the wind.

I have all that I need for this long surgery and recovery ahead.  Strangers have helped me in inexplicable ways and doors have opened for me faster than I could have exclaimed ‘open sesame’ which I just continue to find so amazing.   I just keep going with the flow and I’m not worrying!

So, my post today is to tell you to keep believing, keep hoping, keep praying,

keep manifesting and keep your faith.

Because my story is living proof that there are a series of miracles out there ~

waiting for you when you’re ready.

And you’ll find that you are incredulously calm when it happens…

a peace overcomes you and you just know.

May All be right in your world today too!

Happy Sunday to you all.

xo

I saw this quote on Facebook and copied it as a card.  Unfortunately, I can’t remember from what site I found it and I can’t make out Mike’s last name which is the reason for the G., but I am hoping  Mike won’t mind. 🙂