Parenting The School Year

Dear Parents,

As a former teacher, parent and even student, I’m here to give you some suggestions for the coming school year.  Yesterday I told you about how I gave an A at the beginning of the year and asked my students to keep it.  Today I want to remind you how to parent the school year better.  You can tune me out now, I understand.  But if you stick around and keep reading, maybe something will resonate with you.

While I’m giving your child an A, a fresh start for the school year, it helps if you do this as well at home.  Everyone deserves a fresh beginning of the school year and if your child has had tough school years in the past, now is not the time to remind them of their past failures.  Now is the time to encourage them that this is a new year and a clean slate on which to begin again.

Let me reiterate that important message:

This is a new school year!  Encourage your child! 

Elevate the possibilities in their head that this can be a good year because it can!

I hate parent/teacher meetings when you tell me, in front of your teenagers, all of their faults.  Time and again, I’ve heard, He’s lazy.  He doesn’t do his work.  I’m always telling him to go to bed earlier.  That’s why he’s tired, because he’s playing those video games, etc.  He’s not like me.  I was an A student.  I work so I can’t watch him all the time or make him study at this age.  He needs to want to do it.  My gosh, doesn’t anyone teach them how to study?  Back in my day….And so on and so forth…you get the picture, right?

Do you ever think to look at your child who stands there listening either belligerently or with his head hanging down with embarrassment or maybe even a mixture of both?  How do you think he feels after your tirade?

Because I’m standing there listening to a stressed parent whose guilt and myopic view is plain to see.  All I want to do is hug you and to assure you that with a few tweaks, you can begin to heal the relationship with your child.  Because I’ve seen what happens when the divide between parent/child increases.  The wounds grow deeper until there’s little left to mend a relationship.

I know you’re frustrated with how things are going with your child at school.  I know you are overworked and upset.  I know you don’t really mean all that you just said, but that you are at your wits end and you don’t know what you can do to change it for your child.  I know that you’re not telling me how ugly the atmosphere can feel at home and how you feel like you’ve failed as a parent.  I know.  It happens.  They’re called teenagers for a reason.  Don’t you remember being a teenager too?

Let’s look on the bright side.  A new school year means you get a fresh start too!  Enjoy the clean slate and all it brings to your family unit!  Elevate the expectations – share meals more often, take time to chat with your children one on one, be open and listen (keep your judgments to yourself), hug your child and tell them something nice everyday.

I have never met a child who didn’t want a good relationship with their parents.  Funny thing is, parents often tell me that the kid has rejected them, but it’s the other way around usually.  When you don’t act like you care or you put work or other responsibilities as a priority consistently above your child, then that builds resentment.  Innately your child wants to love and be loved by you.  They want that connection.  But when you break it due to other commitments or choosing another child over him, or only criticizing him and putting him down instead of elevating him or complimenting him, you are at fault.  I’m sorry.   Under typical circumstances, you are the one at fault and I’m willing to tell you.  Not to hurt you, but to help you to get your act together this school year and be the parent he deserves you to be and you deserve to be.

Carve out some time with your children.  Clearly list your expectations and what they can expect from you.  There is not always a dictatorship in parenting.  Sometimes a democracy works really well too and it doesn’t lessen your power.  It actually increases the power of the family unit!  More on that tomorrow in case you’re interested.

Shine On!

xo

Thanks Daily Post for the ELEVATE prompt today!

 

 

Still Here…But Barely

I’ve been dealing with a few relatives who have Alzheimer’s and Dementia lately and it’s been pretty hard ~ for them and for me.  It’s amazing to me how quickly this disease can rob our loved ones of their basic mental capacity let alone complex thinking.  But what remains, at least for the ones I’m taking care of, is love.

They know I love them and I know they love me.  So far, we are blessed that each recognizes family members even though they don’t quite know all the details.  Most information seems new to them at times and yet at others, they are quite cognizant of what has occurred recently in their lives (which has been another relative who passed away).

Childhood memories fill their conversations along with much giggling of good times shared for which I am eternally grateful.  Stories are repeated, almost to the letter in a conversation, but the giggle at the end remains the same.  It is the giggling that I relish when they retell their stories.  It is the frustration that I continue to keep at bay as much as possible, dredging up as much patience as I possibly can to answer repeated questions in a simple way in hopes that they can keep the information for a bit longer this time.

But I what I loved the most after spending time with them and getting 2 sisters together for a few days was the love and laughter that they shared even though both are affected by those diseases.  Precious moments were spent watching them as they interacted, finishing each other’s stories and slowly winding down memory lane together arm in arm, heart to heart, sister to sister.

It was tough though I will admit.  Tough to watch, knowing that they may not recognize each other the next time they meet.  Wondering how much longer they will know who I am or remember how many blissful hours they spent over the last few days together.  I watched as I wondered how much longer they will be here, both in mind and body.  Sadly, I thought about them and myself and the loss that is coming.  I lamented in my own mind how much life has changed for them ~ the vibrant women I once knew to now.

Simpler times for sure growing up in a small town in the South.  Watching them banter back and forth, giggling like school girls at times, recalling fun memories and sharing stories.  We kept away from the sad as much as possible as I redirected many a conversation which teetered on the verge of today’s truth.  Light, sweet and joyful was the theme of the conversations as much as possible.  When we began gravitating towards sad truths, I redirected as much as I could with honesty, trying to save their minds from what I know in my heart, they understand ~ that a loved one has passed.

It’s heartbreaking to bear witness to how the mind can completely make and break connections.  One minute, you think they are understanding and the next minute, you realize that they haven’t a clue of what we just talked about and they don’t recognize where they are or who they are seeing (other than me thank goodness).  So far, when I say it’s me, they know me.

What I am grateful for is the hugs, the kisses on the cheek, the love that we share as I watch them begin to descend into the abyss of oblivion.  I want to hold tightly to the memories of my last trip, praying that when I return, there will still be enough there for them to recognize each other and me so that we can share more joy, laughter and love.

But I don’t know quite honestly if my wish can be fulfilled.  So I will be grateful for the memories we shared, for the present moments that we have and for the gratitude that I was able to be there for them both and with them both for as long as I could.

It’s not easy to be a caregiver of family whose brains cease to function as they did.  It’s not easy to witness what is scary for them and for me as reality changes so abruptly.  It’s a big responsibility and I don’t think most of us are prepared for it.  Tears flowed freely as did the occasional giggle when their conversations made me laugh.  I am grateful for those things as well, for life is all about the laughter and the tears, don’t you think?  That and staying present, being grateful and just loving what is right now, this minute.

Shine On!

xo

In the Middle of Every Difficulty

“In the middle of every difficulty comes opportunity.”
~ Albert Einstein

It’s been a long few months for me.  I’ve taken on a lot of responsibility which isn’t mine to bear, but someone had to do it.  It hasn’t been easy, but it has certainly been a great opportunity for me to learn about myself.  I have learned that I can do more than I thought I could.  I have learned that I have infinite inner strength.  I have learned, I need to rely on myself.  I have learned to not take things at face value.  I have had my rose-colored glasses lifted.  I have learned to ask for help and feel gratitude when receiving it.  I have learned to let go and to allow people to do whatever they wish and not try to make it better for them.  I have learned to give myself permission let go of what I can’t control and not try to be responsible for everyone else ~ just for myself.  I have learned that I need to take off the blinders which had previously blinded me to the role that I had been given as a child and believed was my destiny.  With situations that aren’t of my doing, I have let go of the outcome and simply tried to do my best with the situation.  I continue to try to be a good person, but I am human.  I make mistakes, but those have lead me to grow in ways I couldn’t possibly have grown without the difficulties I’ve endured.

I have learned to allow others to be themselves, to act as they wish without judgement.  I have wrestled with the inability of some to help themselves, but I am learning to be with it.  I offer help, but I do not force change even when I believe that seeing a situation in a different light would be beneficial.  In short, I’ve stopped trying to do everything for everyone else and help God.  I am responsible for me.  I am responsible for my children.  I am responsible for being the best person I can be, to be helpful when needed and to remember that I can’t save others from themselves.

Big lesson for me, let me tell you.  For I was always a ‘fixer’ as my familial role given to me as a child.  Be the peace-maker.  Be the good one.  Be the responsible one ~ not that the others in my life didn’t have those traits because they did.  It was just I felt that my assigned role seemed to encumber all that and more.

But I am growing up and learning that nothing is set in stone.  That roles may change and that change can be good.  Change forces us to expand out of our comfort zones and to grow in ways that prior to now, we never even dreamed were possible.  It comes at a price for sure, but the payoff is peace within which for me, is priceless.

I am my brother’s helper but not his keeper.  Decisions that others have made in their lives are their decisions.  The decisions I’ve made in my life, are my own now.  The past role is not longer mine to own.  My responsibility rests in doing the best I can each and every day of my life and to be able to put my head on my pillow at night peacefully, knowing that I tried and hopefully I succeeded.  To help others, but to not hold onto the guilt when they choose whatever their choice is and to not judge their decisions.  It’s a handful of lessons that spill over into many forms in my life.

I hold peace within and pray for peace for others, no matter how battered their psyche.  I own the responsibility for my own actions, but not for the actions of others, nor do I try to change them.  I simply find peace within no matter the chaos around me.  I try not to engage in the swirling mindless chatter of those who aren’t well.  I limit my engagements with them, so to protect myself and my own heart.

I am a work in progress.  I am not perfect.  I will fall and get back up again and again.  I will be myself, wear my heart proudly knowing that as I love, I am loved.  I look to the positivity in my life.  I look up to the Heavens for support, guidance and the ability to find peace.  I look within myself, in the nooks and crannies of my heart for forgiveness of others and of myself.  I am learning to be free of the shackles which bound me and freedom in this moment, feels delicious.

Have the sweetest day, dear friends.

Shine On!

xo