Daily Prompt: Shoulda Woulda Coulda Confession

Daily Prompt: Shoulda Woulda Coulda

Tell us about something you know you should do . . . but don’t.

Ok, here goes…I’ve got a confession to make and I hope you don’t run away.  Lately this topic has been coming at me in all different ways so I guess this daily prompt was the last straw because you see, I’m a CLUTTERBUG.  There, I said it.  I’m not a hoarder (at least not like what you see with garbage piled up everywhere).  Oh no…that’s not me at all!  I’m not that far gone!  But I have slid from the girl who was always well organized to one where I have stashes of clutter in boxes, in closets, under the bed and in my office.  In fact, I have to tell you honestly how much it bothers me that I can’t throw things out.  Now again, let’s be clear here…it’s not garbage that is piling up in those places, it’s just stuff ~ memories ~ my prom gown from 25+ years ago, my 2 wigs that I wore when I lost my hair to chemo, old clothes that I think I shouldn’t throw out in case I gain or lose weight, old shoes that perhaps may come back into style, books that I would like to someday read, old toys of the kids that they adored, tons of  paperwork that I think I may need from my cancer diagnosis over 11 years ago, I could go on and on!

I have old calendars, I have old letters (boxes of them), old notebooks with stories written in them that someday (ahem) I may make into a book.  I have pony tail holders from when my hair was long, I have stashes of “what if I need this” piled high in closets which are finally driving me crazy enough to do something about them.

Because I am finally feeling like I have the energy to tackle this stuff…albeit I”m not sure I can really do it on my own.  Because to me, those things evoke memories and I’m afraid that if I throw them out or donate them or sell them, that the memory will vanish when the item is released as well.  And it’s a fine line for me considering that I’ve been living with chemo brain fog for a long time and it’s never come back much to my disappointment.

I just did a tapping seminar online which dealt with clutter which really opened my eyes to the reason for my clutter.  Because I”m not a lazy person at heart.  Honest.  Although to others who are not clutterbugs, it does seem like I am just too lazy to put things away or to throw out what’s not being used.  But that’s not the case and it was a huge relief in my heart to take this seminar and realize that I’m not alone in my feelings nor my situation and that yes, it can improve and be solved!  In fact, it delved into the psyche of a cluttered life and I think I’ve realized the beginning ~ 11 years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer!  That was the start, although it was gradual, but it just piled up to the point of immense sadness, trauma both to my body, mind and heart and it was earth-shattering to me to realize what the catalyst was for it and how it can be changed and fixed and solved.  I can’t even begin to explain to you how this seminar simply cracked open my heart with tears and emotions flooding my being because I hadn’t realized how much the clutter and the guilt of the situation was hurting my psyche, my daily life and affecting me in such a profound way.

To others, it’s clutter….just clean it up.  To me, it was something else entirely and with the tapping seminar (which was free that day), it just came to me in the most healing way.  Now I just need a friend to hold my hand and help me to continue on my journey with it so that I can get it done and move on!  Because even though I’d thought I’d moved on, I was stuck and I’m just now unsticking myself from the trauma of being diagnosed with breast cancer.  I’m not making excuses for myself, but I am learning more about myself and discovering that I had covered up much pain with the clutter.  Like a protective shell around my life and heart and I want to be free of it now.  It doesn’t serve me anymore and I want to be clear, to be happy and to be clutter free.

Part of the shame, the sadness and the fear in clutter has to do with control.  It’s almost a punishment if you will (I’m loosely quoting this online course) to the person who is the clutterbug because we don’t feel worthy of having a perfect house or of knowing where things are or of being able to live with the memories and not the item to call them up.  I’ve read of people who take pictures of their gown so that they can remember it, but knowing me, the picture would end up in a pile somewhere and I’d be finding it in another 10 year (although a snapshot would certainly free up the closet space!)

Do you have this issue?  Do you hide it as well?  On the outside, I try to keep the public rooms of the house in a tidy condition.  With an active family and pets it’s a bit difficult, but I manage.  But I don’t want you upstairs in my house.  I want it private for fear that you’ll think badly of me because of my unorganized stock piles!  What would you think if you walked into my office and when you opened the door, a barrage of paperwork greeted you?  I know how I’d feel if you saw it ~ humiliated, sad, upset, ashamed, guilty, unloved, aggravated.

So my public flogging is over ~ I’ve aired my clutter laundry and I’m going to continue on my quest for a happier, clutter-free me.  I actually started throwing out paperwork yesterday.  I spent 3 hours in the office and I have 3 huge garbage bags to be shred.  I am also getting rid of a bunch of the kids’ toys and now my job is to find a place which needs gently used toys.

And as I sit here tap tap tapping away on the keyboard and alternating tapping on my pressure points on my body, I want to do a shout out to Elisa at http://elisacashiola.com/  who inspired me to work on my office over a year ago with the promise of helping me Feng Shui it (which is still on hold but not for long)!   Check out her blog because she’s got some amazing tips on how to make your house a home!  In fact, she helped me move my mirror from my front door and I felt the change…now imagine how powerful I’m to be when I am clutter-free!

Woo Hoo!  Fellow clutterbugs unite ~ or better yet

Let’s UNTIE ourselves from the bonds of clutter! 

Ready, Set…GO!

Shine On!

xo

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/daily-prompt-shoulda/

Gratitude Day 25 ~ Soldiering On

We understand death for the first time

when he puts his hand upon one whom we love. Madame de Stael

I can’t sleep.  It’s 4am and I can’t stop listing in my head all that I need to do so I’m up.  All is quiet in my home, the coffee machine whispers, breaking the silence as I reach down to pet each of our cats who bring me so much joy and comfort.  I need to get so much done this morning…bills to pay for my family, bills for my parents, emails to write, a funeral to coordinate, my own business to run, my Dad’s business to run ~ funeral outfits for everyone ~ my head spins with all that I need to do.

So I do what I was ‘trained’ to do…I soldier on.  Being the daughter of a Navy man, I was trained (his vocabulary ~ certainly not the word I would choose for myself) from age 11 to work in my Dad’s office and to take care of things.  It is where I am most comfortable and I guess it’s how I am dealing with the grief that at times simply overwhelms me.   My friend KAngel remarked that we all grieve in different ways and I can see that clearly now.  My Mom and AAngel are grieving differently as well.  We are all incubated in our grieving and yet connected.  I hope we don’t lose that connection even though I see that it is tenuous as times.

I am grateful for my Dad’s insistence that I learn how to do what needs to be done without fanfare…I feel like it’s my contribution to my family to make things easier at this time.  It’s my way of grieving because I need to get done what needs to be done now.  It’s like a race for me and I know me…I am like my Dad, the Energizer Bunny…I’ll keep going and going until I fall apart and pass the torch of work onto whomever picks it up.  I need to do this now before I’m not able to help.

Thinking back, it’s how I deal with many aspects of my life ~ I just keep going ~ baby steps forward.  With the cancer and surgeries that I’ve endured, I just keep going ~ stopping occasionally to stomp my foot in sadness and a flood of “why me?” before picking myself back up to keep going for myself, my family and with the inner need to soldier on.

Before this, I don’t think I really ‘got’ what the death of a loved one means ~ and I’m still not quite sure that I do as I think this is going to be a process ~ yet again, Dad is training me from beyond.  I’m on autopilot nowadays, but in the quiet of the mornings, all alone, I allow myself the indulgence of communicating with him.  Right now, I can trick my mind into thinking he’s on vacation as I play worker bee in his office.  It’s easy because I’ve done it before ~ but this morning, I can feel his love around me.  I can remember how he looked when he passed and I know that the outer shell of that man is gone forever, but his spirit is still alive and kicking all around me.

And for that, this lil’ soldier is so grateful.

xo