Take A Lesson From Alzheimer’s And Dementia

I’m a big proponent of passing along what I’ve learned through my various experiences.  Not to preach, but to connect with others who are enduring similar situations.  My blog is called The Presents of Presence which is all about being in the moment.  But as we all can attest, not every moment feels like a gift.  Sometimes we feel like we’ve been kicked instead.

With Alzheimer’s and Dementia, the lesson for me is clearly meant for my blog.  It’s in being in the present and finding the good in the now.  Finding the gift in connecting with others, no matter how brief it is, no matter how small it feels.

In my experience with my loved ones, I’ve learned that we can relax and just be and that this is, for the most part, how they now live their lives.  There’s almost like an amnesia from the dark past experiences that evaporates.  It is almost with childish simplicity that they live with the disease.  There’s not a lot of wondering what’s next or what happened before this very moment, except when sundowners hits.  It’s a focus on what’s right here that counts.  They live most fully in the now without reservation.

Think about that for a moment.  Can you wrap your mind around that?

What that means is no holding onto grudges, no revisiting conversations, no worrying about the future, no obsessing over the past, no self-criticism, no blaming someone else, I could go on and on.

It’s about, acceptance for the here and now in whatever form it takes.

I admire the people I know who have the disease for the courage to accept and be with the present at all times as I think that would be a hardship for many of us.  Yet, by their freedom, they are role models for us all.  Yes, I understand that they didn’t choose this disease.  Yes, I understand how heartbreaking it is when our loved ones have it.  But there’s a choice to mourn the loss by the disease or to find the positive in accepting what we deem unacceptable with the disease.

For me, I’ve got to find the positive and if that means, I have to change my way of thinking to expand it to gratitude for learning how to really find The Presents of Presence in every part of life’s journey and not just give it lip service, then so be it.

Shine On!

xo

 

Sharing Mindful Conversations

There’s a peaceful way of being when we are in the moment of mindful conversations with loved ones ~ especially those who have memory issues such as Alzheimer’s Disease and Dementia.  Too often, we can be caught up in the web of needing/wanting them to be able to revert back to the loved ones we once knew and the loved ones we miss from before the illness arrived.  It is hard for both parties to find a peaceful way to communicate when there’s been such a change in our loved ones.  If there are unresolved issues, it’s even harder for those who are not afflicted by memory issues.

There is a plus though that when we take the time to understand, we can heal from the bereft feelings that may lay dormant in our attempts to converse at the previous levels that we did with our loved ones.  As I understand and have experienced, being that I have loved ones who are in a memory care facility, many times our loved ones are living in the present moment and when we can get onto that path of presence with them, we can have the loveliest conversations when we leave our sadness and baggage at the door before entering the conversation.

Does this make sense to you?

For me, when I just allow the communication to flow between us.  I enjoy our conversations even when they are repetitive.  Just to chat daily is sometimes a struggle, but I try to have a few giggles prepared to keep them aware of my life and to inquire about theirs and to joke about silly things that we remember together ~ like songs, family phrases, good memories.  Keeping the conversation light, allows them to participate and to feel good and thus, I feel good.  Sure, there are times when they are feeling poorly and get angry or frustrated and then I simply allow them to speak, to repeat and to process if they are able to do that along the way.  Sometimes a complete change in conversational direction is necessary and that’s when it seems one of my cats do something silly and I can easily interrupt and change the channel to a lighter note and we can resume with them feeling good, feeling connected and I feel the connection as well.

It saddens me though I try to keep my heartlight shining as much as possible.  I awoke this morning crying in a dream.  All I remember from it is the repetitive words, “I love you,” from my loved one.  Even though at the end of every conversation, we repeat, “I love you” to each other at least 5 times, I relish every single “I love you,” and I have for awhile now.  Because I know that there are those who wish they could hear those 3 precious words again from their loved ones and someday I may be in that same position.

There are those of us who find it hard to take time to call our loved ones with memory problems.  It isn’t easy to carve out time from our busy lives.  But if you want to stay in touch, a visit, a card, a small token of yourself, a photo and even a phone call helps to bridge the gap and I believe it helps our loved ones to stay in touch with us and not feel so lonely.  Because, let’s face it, when your mind is not working like you remember it to work and you’re frustrated with memory issues or your mind simply goes on the fritz at times, it’s hard to bear.  From what I’ve seen, once you cross that bridge from knowing that your mind is fighting a losing battle with the disease, to accepting the new place your mind is in, I think it’s easier for the patient.  But it still brings out the sadness is us all.

Don’t shy away from mindful, loving conversations.  Enjoy the loving connections while you can for one day, you may wake up dreaming, “I love you” and not be able to hear that precious phrase, except in your memories.  Those that have memory issues need to feel loved, treasured and cherished, just like everyone else on the planet.  It is our job to remind them…I love you.

Shine On!

xo

You Are Always On My Mind

Everyday without fail, I talk with my loved ones with Alzheimer’s Disease and Dementia.  Most days, I am able to live in their reality, assure them that I am only a phone call away and talk about what interests them.  I can veer the conversation towards happy thoughts and keep them peaceful, even when I’m not at peace.  I can make sure that they are getting the best care possible by keeping in constant touch with their caregivers and going to see them every month so that I can spend physical time with them to really ‘see’ how they are doing because it’s hard when I’m so faraway from where they currently reside.

They are always on my mind, but especially when there’s trouble brewing, like when one of them has a cold, cough and are sick, or when the other one’s sundowners is acting up.  It’s a vicious cycle to get one of them to bed every night and we’ve yet to find a solution to making it easier for anyone.  My Aunt’s dementia revs up at night especially and I’ve gotten the 9pm phone calls asking for help in talking with her.  As a strong-minded woman, she’s only gotten more steadfast in her beliefs that nobody puts her to bed but herself, and only when she’s good and ready (but…she’s never ready to go to bed any night of the week).  That’s the problem.

Dementia is sneaky in the way it works on the brain and the personality of the person with it.  It robs them of clear thinking and exacerbates the strong-willed portion which in turn makes it harder to help the patient to understand what is going on.  Anger ensues as the dementia takes hold more and more because the patient gets frustrated by their own thoughts and brain because their thinking gets muddled.  It truly breaks my heart to experience this as a relative, let alone to know that things don’t get better with dementia, they simply slide deeper into worse, plateau for a bit of a reprieve and begin the descent again in time.

I guess I’m feeling sad and lonely today because I’m feeling the losses more acutely these days.  I feel for my loved ones with the disease as it’s frightening for them to have a ‘crazy head’ and not remember the simplest things like what they had for breakfast or where they live now.  Sure they can carry on a decent phone conversation for a bit and many times can focus well.  But there are times when their confusion breaks my heart in ways I never knew it could break.  I know what their losses are, but much of the time, they don’t realize what they don’t remember…but I can never forget that they don’t remember and it saddens me.  Sometimes the loss cuts me deeply to my core and I hang on with all my might to the good of the day, to the gratitude that they know who I am and say they love me and hear me say it back.  Because I know, that one day it can happen that they don’t know me anymore and then the grief will begin in earnest for me, for there won’t be any going back in time, except in my memory.

If you’ve had a loved one with this mind-altering disease, then you probably understand the sadness I’m feeling today.  It’s awful to feel so helpless and to watch loved ones’ minds slip away.  It’s hard to be the strong one, to manipulate conversations to happy thoughts and to never be able to share that I’m not fine sometimes.  With them, I am fine all the time, all is well, I tell jokes, make them giggle and I repeat that I love them over and over until I can see them in person next.  I fix whatever needs to be done to make them more comfortable.  I check up on them with the nurses and I make life easy for them as best as I can.  I do it all with love, but sometimes I wish I could simply be taken care of myself as I take care of them.

Shine On!

xo

 

Thursday Thought for the Day

The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, answered, “Man.  Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money.  Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health.  And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”

JAngel sent this to me this morning and I thought it was such a great one to share.  I am sorry I don’t know whom to give the credit for the photo.  But I’d love to know if it resonated with you like it did with me today!

Shine On!

xo