Still Alice

Have you read the book by Lisa Genova or seen the movie?  I read the book a few months ago and watched the movie over the weekend.  Tears poured down my cheeks while reading so when I watched the movie, I thought it would be easier.  But I was wrong.

Being that I presently have two loved ones in my family with the disease, the book and movie hit home in a way that hurt me to my core.  Perhaps it’s because I have such profound empathy for Alice.  I can imagine as I watched and read Still Alice, what she was enduring.  Perhaps because it hit so close to home these days in my life, that it left me sobbing at times and even after the book and movie were over, I felt despondent.

To process the feelings that I carry, I’ve had to dig deeply and to accept what perhaps I had yet to accept in my life and in the lives of my loved ones.  Still Alice shined a direct flashlight on my current situation with my family in a way that allowed the tears that I’d been holding back for so long to be released.  The depression that I have been hiding for so long about my two loved ones situation and my dealing with the present situation came to light head on (pun intended).  I watched as Alice began to repeat herself, to lose herself and her precious memories.  I sympathized with her family who felt frustrated by her increasing forgetfulness, the constant repetition and her lack of focus.  It gave me a way to see my loved ones in a different light.  It allowed me to feel not so alone on this journey and to not feel guilty for the frustration that I face in dealing with their disease.

I wish I could tell you that it gave me strength, but alas, it simply broke my heart, over and over again.  I want everything to be better for Alice and for my loved ones.  I fear that genetic factor will be a possibility for me as well.  The more I learn about the disease, I realize that I could face the same situation down the road someday.

I am frightened.  I know that it does me no good to fear what may or may not come my way.  I know that I must rule my own mind, stay strong and do my best.  But if you are a sibling or child of someone with Alzheimer’s or Dementia, you will understand how I’m feeling.

Do you feel the same way?

Shine On!

xo