A Celebration of Life

If one should say to you that the soul perishes like the body,

answer that the flower withers, but the seed remains.

Yesterday marked 3 weeks since my Dad passed and at the time he passed yesterday, I was out to eat with my sons, hubby and in-laws, all whom were laughing and eating and enjoying themselves.  As I glanced at my watch, I said a silent prayer to Dad, hoping that perhaps his spirit could hear me.

For I know he would have loved to have been there ~ laughing, having a good time, teasing everyone.  That’s the Dad I knew and loved.  There are many complexities to my Dad, many attributes I didn’t care for, but the seed of love, well, that’s what I know remains in my heart now.

As I watch the sun rise over the lake this morning, I am all alone which I love.  Mornings are my favorite when the house is quiet and it’s just me and my thoughts.  That’s the time that I can mourn him, let a few of the tears flow and nourish my broken heart.  It’s the ‘me’ time of day when I am strongest and I can fathom all of the grieving emotions that undulate in my heart during the day.  My health hasn’t been so great lately ~ my body, heart, mind and soul have taken a beating ~ but I am still here and still mending ~ as always,taking it one baby step at a time.

The seed of Dad’s being still exists and I see signs of it everyday.  Emails I receive from his friends, many of whom I didn’t know existed, continue to pop up in my inbox.  Notes and letters continue to arrive in my mailbox as do stories recounted of what he had said and done when he was here.  It’s these stories that remind me of the goodness of my Dad ~ and those are the seeds I want to remember.

He scattered seeds far and wide ~ most of them good ~ and that’s why we’re all here isn’t it?  To touch others’ lives by our own in the best way possible.

So that’s what I concentrate on this morning as I write today’s post…a celebration of life and remembering the love.  And as I ponder what my family would think if I were to perish tomorrow, I keep hoping that the seeds that I’m sowing today will make for a lifetime of love tomorrow.

Happy Friday to You!

xo

Embrace your Uniqueness…

Unique. Embrace your uniqueness.

Time is much too short to be living someone else’s life.

~ Kobi Yamada.

I think as we get older, it becomes easier to be ourselves.  Perhaps it’s just me, but I feel that there’s an awakening, a releasing of caring about what someone else’s thoughts are about me and a freedom which makes life so enjoyable!

I spoke with CAngel yesterday whom I only just recently met.  She was very open in telling me about her life and the recent events which had changed her life so dramatically.  Instead of being negative about the events which changed her entire life recently, when I asked her how she was, she answered, “I am well.”  She went on to tell me that she was not going to succumb to negativity in thought nor in word.  She would accept the growth that the experiences were giving her and she would take this opportunity to get to know herself better.  She looks up, reads scripture and is delving into knowing herself better in order to strengthen herself.  She even shared with me that she has intuitive skills with spirits which I found fascinating and I loved that she was embracing her uniqueness in such a grand way.  Good for you CAngel!

We all have a UNIQUENESS that is OURS ALONE!  We all have talents, strengths and weaknesses which make us ourselves.  We can live our lives covering up what makes us unique or we can celebrate our uniqueness and strengthen it.  It’s all up to You!

For me, I love my Uniqueness ~ I’m not quite sure what makes me Unique though…

Do you know what makes you Unique?  Do you celebrate your Uniqueness?

Embrace your Uniqueness!

xo

Key to Success…Key to Failure…

I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. ~Bill Cosby

Happy Monday to You!  I found this card this morning and just knew it was for today’s message.  In digging through my Dad’s personal items, I’ve found a ton of keys ~ most of which I have no clue as to what doors they open, but I find it interesting that there are so many doors that they could open and I wonder if I’ll ever find them.

On my own keyring, I have a key which I can’t figure out whose door it opens.  It’s been on there so long that I am afraid to throw it out for fear that it is a key I need.  Do you have any keys which don’t serve you anymore because you don’t know to which door they belong?  Have you thrown them out or are you holding onto them like me?

I feel like many of us hold onto keys in hopes of finding the doors to which they belong and in doing so, we somehow hold onto that ‘key of failure’ in the process.  Trying to keep the peace, helping to keep everyone happy and perhaps not keeping ourselves happy in the process is a key to failure.

It’s Your Life…it’s My Life…and I’m a guilty as the next key holder when it comes to trying to please everyone from time to time.  I’m not advocating not smoothing the road of life from time to time for others, but living your life to please everyone is not a life to live.  Giving yourself up in order to make others happy doesn’t allow you to be happy nor to grow by experiencing life as it could be.

As for my dilemma with an unknown door key ~ I’m going to take my own advice today ~ for the next week, I will truly try to figure out to which door it belongs and if at the end of a week I am unable to find it, I will simply take it off my keyring and put it away in my desk.  It’s not serving me and I feel like it’s weighing me down.  Perhaps it’ll be my symbolic key to failure that I’ll finally lay to rest.  I’m still unable to throw it out, but I think there will come a time that I will simply throw it away knowing that the door to that key is permanently closed…and I’ll feel good about it.

Do you carry keys to success on your key ring?  Or do you carry keys to failure?

xo

I Am…who I want to be…

I Am…who I want to be

So I’m sticking with the latest theme…probably because today marks 2 weeks since my Dad died.  Wow…it’s been 2 weeks since I stood by his bedside while his heart ceased beating on its own ~ even though his breathing was being done for him by the ventilator.  It seems like years ago and in the same breath, it seems like just moments ago.

To me, this whole experience has just reinforced my determination to be able to say the above sentence with courage, with happiness and without regrets. Do me a favor, go to the nearest mirror in your home and say to your eyes which stare back,

“I AM who I want to be.”

How do you feel?  Can you say this truthfully?  And are you happy with who you are?

If you felt great with it ~ Woo Hoo!  I am so happy for you!  Now your job is to go spread your sunshine to others!

However, if you have trouble saying the above, then there’s a bit of work to do for you.  I think we are always evolving as we are always learning.  I know that I feel that I am who I want to be, but I always want to improve myself.  I am always reading and trying to learn about how to improve my life, myself and to be able to better hone in on my purpose in life.  I haven’t quite gotten my purpose figured out yet.

Sometimes I just think it’s a work in progress until God/Universe decides to give me another cosmic kick in the rear ~ although quite frankly ~ breast cancer 10 years ago, 7 surgeries in the last 10 years ~ with 3 more to go this year~ my Dad dying and leaving us his business to take care of ~ and other little trinkets that have been passed to me ~ I think are enough.  I just wish I knew more precisely what my purpose is…until I do, I think I’ll continue on the path I’m stepping and see where it takes me.

In the meantime,

I Am…who I want to be…

And I hope you are too!

xo

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness…

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal,

that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights,

that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

Happy 4th of July to ALL ~ especially to those in the United States of America ~ for whom this quote is especially pertinent since it comes from the US Declaration of Independence which was adopted back in 1776.

I loved this quote because I believe it is everyone’s right…and it is in your own power to exercise your freedom to be whomever you wish to be and to pursue what makes you happy.  This is YOUR LIFE ~ and our time here on Earth is limited.  Why waste YOUR TIME?  Today, amidst the holiday, take a few moments to ask yourself:  Are you pursuing your happiness?  Are you happy with your life?  Do you feel free or under constraint?  If any of those answers are not what you deserve by your rights, then it’s time for a change in your life.  It’s the 2nd part of the year, so there’s plenty of time to begin any adjustments you may need to make.  And if your answers are that you are living your life happily within your rights, then kudos to you!  Keep up the great work and go on to inspire others!

Have the courage to be whomever you are inside…let your inner beauty sparkle and grow ~ let it blossom and be seen by others ~ let your light shine and inspire!

Do what makes you happy, be good to others and enjoy your life.  It is your right.

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness….

Happy 4th Y’All!

xo

Gratitude Day 26 ~ Strength

Strength. Turn your face to the sun and shadows fall behind you.

We need strength now as we transition to getting used to not rushing to the hospital everyday, not worrying that every text or phone call could be ‘the one’ and learning to live without Dad.  There has been the utmost outpouring of support, stories and loving thoughts/prayers given to us which helps us continue to take the baby steps required in planning all that is needed for his memorial service etc.  But it’s hard…and unless you’ve experienced this part of growing up, you simply have no idea what you are missing…and quite frankly, stay that way please.

I liked this card because of Strength ~ but also because of turning towards the Sun ~ as I think we have a choice in how to remember those whom we loved.  You can turn towards the Sun and remember the Good in them or you can turn away and remember the sad, bad memories in the shadows.

Nobody is perfect (although secretly I think Dad thought he was!) ~ and so it is in truth that I say that I am choosing to remember the good times, the good memories and allow the bad ones to fall by the wayside, to exit the way many memories have gone via my chemo brain.  I figure I will keep my strength from faltering by basking in the beautiful memories of those around me, allowing their stories to bathe me in the love I had for my Dad.

Looking to the sun, allowing the shadows to fall behind…I think it’s the best way to be everyday.

Don’t you?

Thank you all for sharing your stories with me!

xo

Gratitude Day 25 ~ Soldiering On

We understand death for the first time

when he puts his hand upon one whom we love. Madame de Stael

I can’t sleep.  It’s 4am and I can’t stop listing in my head all that I need to do so I’m up.  All is quiet in my home, the coffee machine whispers, breaking the silence as I reach down to pet each of our cats who bring me so much joy and comfort.  I need to get so much done this morning…bills to pay for my family, bills for my parents, emails to write, a funeral to coordinate, my own business to run, my Dad’s business to run ~ funeral outfits for everyone ~ my head spins with all that I need to do.

So I do what I was ‘trained’ to do…I soldier on.  Being the daughter of a Navy man, I was trained (his vocabulary ~ certainly not the word I would choose for myself) from age 11 to work in my Dad’s office and to take care of things.  It is where I am most comfortable and I guess it’s how I am dealing with the grief that at times simply overwhelms me.   My friend KAngel remarked that we all grieve in different ways and I can see that clearly now.  My Mom and AAngel are grieving differently as well.  We are all incubated in our grieving and yet connected.  I hope we don’t lose that connection even though I see that it is tenuous as times.

I am grateful for my Dad’s insistence that I learn how to do what needs to be done without fanfare…I feel like it’s my contribution to my family to make things easier at this time.  It’s my way of grieving because I need to get done what needs to be done now.  It’s like a race for me and I know me…I am like my Dad, the Energizer Bunny…I’ll keep going and going until I fall apart and pass the torch of work onto whomever picks it up.  I need to do this now before I’m not able to help.

Thinking back, it’s how I deal with many aspects of my life ~ I just keep going ~ baby steps forward.  With the cancer and surgeries that I’ve endured, I just keep going ~ stopping occasionally to stomp my foot in sadness and a flood of “why me?” before picking myself back up to keep going for myself, my family and with the inner need to soldier on.

Before this, I don’t think I really ‘got’ what the death of a loved one means ~ and I’m still not quite sure that I do as I think this is going to be a process ~ yet again, Dad is training me from beyond.  I’m on autopilot nowadays, but in the quiet of the mornings, all alone, I allow myself the indulgence of communicating with him.  Right now, I can trick my mind into thinking he’s on vacation as I play worker bee in his office.  It’s easy because I’ve done it before ~ but this morning, I can feel his love around me.  I can remember how he looked when he passed and I know that the outer shell of that man is gone forever, but his spirit is still alive and kicking all around me.

And for that, this lil’ soldier is so grateful.

xo

Gratitude Day 23 ~ Crystal Ball

Please indulge me today with a longer post because it’s the beginning of the end of a chapter in our family as well ~ in our 3rd week in ICU with not much change, we are unsure of the future.  I have unashamedly wished often over the last few days for a glimpse at a crystal ball.  I am a planner and I like to KNOW ~ I can usually go with the flow, but now I find I am anxious for the future for my family.

I awoke this morning remembering how as a girl in school, we would happily make those paper chain links of green and red and put them around the classroom.  Everyday we would cut off a link to symbolize one day closer to Christmas vacation.  It occurred to me that I am doing the opposite now with my Dad ~ I beg to add one of those green or red slips of paper so that we can have MORE TIME with him.

Of all the material goods in the world, all that many strive for ~ the one thing that we truly long for is more time…when it comes down to it, we want more time here.  But this thought process isn’t serving me now and I’ve stopped begging for God/Universe to give us more time with my Dad.  I’m reminded of my favorite quote from Dr. Wayne Dyer, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change,” and I am shifting my thought process.

I believe in Heaven and I once dreamt that I died and went to Heaven.  I can still recall the dream as it was so vivid.  I was in my 20’s at the time and the dream has served me well as I’ve never been afraid to die ~ sad to leave my family and friends here on Earth, but never afraid to experience the wonders of the beautiful Heaven that I experienced in my dream.

So when I change the way I look at what’s happening, I can be happy that my Dad will experience Heaven soon ~ where there’s no pain, only love and where he’ll wait for us until it’s our turn.   When I think of him being released from his Earthly body that’s breaking down, I can smile, knowing that his spirit lives on and can be free of the bonds of his physical body.

But it’s hard because I don’t want to grow up now.  I want to be a Daddy’s girl forever and if my Daddy isn’t here, then I’m not a girl anymore.  Selfish I know, but it’s how I feel this morning.  I wrestle with how I feel about his imminent passing ~ I want him to be peaceful and I want him here and I can’t have both.

So I will tell you that I am Grateful for Time I’ve already had with him…Grateful that this transition has been slow moving so that we 3, AAngel, Mom and me could bond and move together through it.  I am Grateful For Mother’s Day when we sat and talked for a few hours as it’s the last great memory I had of him.  I am Grateful that he came to visit me when I was just out of the hospital…and that we both showed patience and love that day.

I don’t know what today will bring and I’ve given up the crystal ball.  Plans out the window, I’m not asking for knowledge that’s not mine to know now ~ I’m going with the flow today.  So when you don’t think you can give up the way you are thinking, believe me ~ You Can… because if you let it…

Shift Happens.

xo

Gratitude Day 21 ~ my thoughts are with you

my thoughts are with you

Today’s card is a picture that my friend JAngel sent me this morning ~ I added “my thoughts are with you” because it’s been a recurring theme in my life these days.  I’ve been surrounded by angels helping me and my family on this journey ~ many repeating the above as a mantra.

I say the same quote to my Dad as I keep waking up early in the mornings, hours before the alarm begins to beep.  In the quiet of early morning, I find myself chatting with my Dad and feeling as if he can hear me…I imagine his spirit leaving his body to visit each of us as the machines rhythmically pump oxygen into his body to keep him alive.  Although he’s not ‘answering me’, I feel a peace settle into my heart as I tell him how I feel.  As I count my blessings and memories of him, I feel my heart grow and peace surround me.  I want him to know how I feel ~ and I don’t hold back as it isn’t all good, but certainly isn’t all bad either.  I’ve forgiven him for what I deemed as his foibles…I don’t judge anymore…I just found love ~ simple, pure and encompassing love for him as a whole.

A complicated man is my Dad.  And if truth be told, I think we are all complicated ~ with different facets of ourselves.  We wear various hats for different people as I think we have purposes in each others’ lives.  If my Dad hadn’t done his job perfectly in my life, I wouldn’t be where I am now and who I am now ~ and for that, I am eternally grateful.  Growing up, I was unable to see that, but I can now and I am blessed to be able to see and understand more about Dad.

I held anger and resentment in my life and I am finally free of it.  It’s been difficult to hold onto those things in my life that weren’t serving me, but I did it for so long that I never realized the heaviness inside of me.  If I can give you a piece of my experience, it is to embrace only loving memories and let go of anything else that doesn’t serve a loving purpose ~ for yourself, your family, your friends and for your life.

My Dad is human, with foibles as we all are…but I embrace the love that I know he has for me and I for him.  I have watched and listened as so many have come forward to tell me about the hats he wore with them, and it’s been like feeling hugs from Dad with each and every story and anecdote.

I continue in my state of gratefulness ~ grateful that I awoke early enough to have a few moments of peace before the hustle and bustle of the day begins.  Counting my blessings, being thankful for all of the Angels in my life (thanks to JAngel for coming to visit from faraway) and thanks to LAngel for journeying with me yesterday to NYC.  Angels continue to pop into our lives unexpectedly to help us on this journey with Dad.  JGAngel simply appeared to lend a hand on Saturday for me as well ~ I feel like I am surrounded by Fairy Godparents left and right…all to make the transition easier to bear.

Sometimes I think Dad has a hand in this transition ~ helping us to accept what will happen.

xo

Gratitude Day 14 ~ Times like these…

It’s times like these that you find out who your true friends are

and how lucky you are to have them in your life!

Wow…I am overwhelmed by all of the many people who have reached out to my family while my Dad continues to be in ICU at the hospital.  I sent a mass email (following Dad’s orders) to his contact list on email so that everyone knew what was going on with him.  I have received so many heartfelt messages back that I am simply speechless.  What’s brought me so much joy has been reading how everyone knows him and the many stories that they are telling me including how long they have known him and how long their families have known him.

My email went out blindly as the addresses weren’t named and many that were named, were not names that I was familiar with so it’s been an interesting 24 hours.   What amazes me is that he didn’t participate in a gratitude challenge (at least I’m not aware of it) but he has simply touched so many lives simply by being himself.  Now I am not putting him up for Sainthood as he is not perfect and is rather persnickety ~ truly an understatement ~ but he has given of himself to others which has helped them.  What a great legacy for his daughters and wife to experience while he is still here…and for him as well!

Which brings me to why it’s so important as I continue to stress, to live in the moment, to enjoy THE PRESENTS OF PRESENCE ~ the GIFT of NOW!  Tell those that you love that you love them, hug them close, tell them how grateful you are and take a moment to send a heartfelt card.

We only have today my friends ~ I don’t want to wait until it’s too late to hear that I mattered to you ~ and you don’t want to not hear it as well ~ make today count ~ take a moment to tell a friend, a stranger, a family member how you feel about them!  You’ll be glad you did!

Happy Tuesday!

Grateful Day 14 ~ my life is changing for the better ~ come join me and change your life!

xo