Cancer Changed Me

Hope ~ Strength ~ Power ~ Belief ~ Courage ~ Honor ~ Determination

I have been told that cancer changed me.  Indeed, it wasn’t said it in the nicest of ways.  In fact, it was taken as a disparaging comment and I was appalled by the off-hand comment.  My first reaction was to defend myself at the time, to show how cancer didn’t change me.  But I left well-enough alone and decided to say nothing.  However, I was hurt by the retort.

Had cancer really changed me?

The question mulled in my head for days and many sleepless nights, more than I’d like to admit, but it’s true.  I’ve written how cancer changes you enough times in this blog to know that the reality is – YES, cancer changes most of us.  It has to, or we wouldn’t still be here.  For we have seen into the yawning mouth of our own demise, endured the most feared emotions and have come out of it alive, so far.  Looking at your own potential death does change you.

It makes you more aware for the most part.  Some of us now see with finite definition that life is short and there are no guarantees how much time we have on this earth.  We become grateful for the beauty in nature, for the simple pleasures that kindness brings and for a real, loving hug which can cure many ills.  We look to connect with others more because we know what it’s like to feel alone.  We share our stories, encourage each other and find the courage to be who we authentically are!  We smile when we are tired.  We work hard to overcome obstacles and to be there for others, even when we feel depleted.  We take that extra moment to smile and to enjoy goodness when it comes into our lives.  We are grateful for the support that we have been given and we look to support others to continue the flow of goodness.  We share tips to help others and happily receive tips to make our lives easier.

We know that all the money in the world, with all the frivolities are fleeting and really don’t mean a damn when death comes knocking at our door.  It’s that silence between ourselves and our maker (or our beliefs) in the quiet of the night that counts.  It’s regarding peace within as a precious gift, time spent with loved ones and a centered calm in which to retreat when life becomes hard.  It’s the voice within the stillness which speaks of love, gratitude, peace with ourselves and others and God.

Yes, cancer changed me.  That’s for sure.  Perhaps it was the misunderstanding of me that caused this person to spout the ‘dig’ as I took it.  Sometimes it takes a loss for us to be humble and perhaps there will be people who simply never understand.  And that’s ok with me.

I am me, authentically me.  I make mistakes, I ask for forgiveness and I forgive.  I choose to live in a state of peace within when I can, but I am always evolving, ever growing and yet, trying to do all things with love.  I intend to do my best, at any given moment, but I’m human.  I’m a work in progress.  Aren’t we all?

What’s precious to me in my life is love, kindness and connections and I strive every day to live with those three precious gems in my life.  Cancer made me a better person by giving me so many lessons in my life.  I’ve learned so much from cancer, even though I never wanted to endure that disease.  Looking back on my life, I realize that I am who I am today because of cancer.  Even if others don’t understand me, it’s ok now.  I’m at peace and I’m ever grateful for the peace within me.

Shine On!

xo

Rebuild Your Life

How to Begin:
Rebuilding Life from Within
Love yourself, unconditionally.
Release your bottled up emotions.
Make time for long walks, alone.
Avoid living beyond your means.
Nurture your inner strength.
Stop apologizing for being you.
Surround yourself with positive people
Embrace your situation, whatever it may be.

~ Dr. David Jockers on FB

Someone ‘liked’ this, so it came in my FB newsfeed yesterday.  Perhaps this will help someone today.

I thought it was timely for myself as well.

Shine On!

xo

 

Light the Way…

I thought I had scheduled this post to be written this week, but I guess I didn’t do it right…forgive the lateness of it…I’m posting it anyway.  I am home and safe, just in a lot of pain, so I’ll resume soon I promise.  In the meantime, here’s the one I had ready for you while I was gone. xo

I have my surgery tomorrow so I won’t be posting for awhile.  I awoke this morning in a haze, writing in my 1/2 sleeping stupor as I so often do ~ dreaming of 3 posts in which I tell it like it is ~ much like https://misifusa.wordpress.com/2012/11/28/breast-cancer-boobs-oprah-and-dr-phil/.

But alas, I hopped out of bed instead of trying to remember them and now they are lost.  Perhaps it is better this way.

I want to make some points though before I endure my 4th surgery this year…not that I don’t believe I’ll be back to write again next week ~ but since each day is a precious gift, I want to make sure that you enjoy The Presents of Presence no matter what…and that perhaps through my experiences and your own, you can feel the preciousness of the gift of today.

There are a few points that I want to make…

I learned with my first breast cancer surgery back in January 2002 that even though we are all connected, you must rely on yourself, for nobody can live your life for you.  I remember that day every time I walk into an operating room because the memory in burned into my mind.  I hugged and kissed my beloved hubby goodbye, dressed in the 2 hospital gowns and no-slip uniform slippers that they gave me.  I didn’t want to let him go and nestled my head into his shoulder with such force as to hope to meld completely into him so as not to have to go in alone.  He is my strength you know.  But after a few moments, the nurse quietly pulled me from him and led me to the operating room where I walked in, praying that I’d make it through the surgery and walk out.

I had never felt so alone as the doctors and nurses rapidly readied me for my surgery.  They were all business-like and I realized that I was alone ~ in my head, in my thoughts and in my strength.  I remember saying prayers in my head, ones that I had learned as a child and as the anesthesia took over, they had become the mantra of ‘please help me God.’

One of the hardest lessons I believe that we have to learn is that this is our life and we are responsible for it.  We can lean on others for help, for support and for love and happiness, but truly, the job comes down to us.  After that first surgery, I realized that I needed to find my inner strength in order to survive and in order make my life, body, soul healthy again.

I also learned that we are only a soul encased in a body shell of the same structures.  When you are stripped down to wearing the 2 uniform gowns and generic slippers, you aren’t wearing any jewelry, nor makeup or hairpins.  You are just as you were born.  It makes no difference how big your ego is, or how much money you have, or how good-looking you are, or how many children you have, or if you are gay or if you are straight or if you are any type of religion.

Your body reacts the same no matter who you are on the outside/inside.  Your heart still needs to beat, your lungs still need air and you require your inner strength in order to heal properly.  I have found after 13 surgeries, you are not a person usually when you are operated on ~ you are body which needs help and the professionals who surround you do their best to make that happen.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve felt my soul.  I’ve had moments where I’ve looked out of my eyes as my soul and seen the world through my soul’s eyes.  You can say that I am trying to fix my shell by this current surgery which is very true.  And yes, I am doing it for me, so that I live with less daily pain and because it can be done.  But I also know that it’s my soul who counts the most, not the shell which encases it.

I am not sure I am making sense today to you.  Perhaps I should have made 2 different posts ~ because I know this isn’t the most congruent post I’ve written.  I hope you will get my gist though and that it will make you think of yourself and your shell and soul…and your inner strength.

I long to make a difference in this world…to touch the hearts and souls of others through the experiences I’ve endured because without making a difference to one, I feel that it is all for naught.  I feel like God gave me this burden to strengthen me, to teach me compassion, love, light and a heartfelt lesson of faith.

I want you to know that I stand by what I say ~ that I am reaching out to you through my blogs ~ to hold your hand when you are feeling down and need a friend.  I can’t be your everything, but I can stand beside you and be with you on this journey.

I have had a blessed life, of that there is no doubt.  I am loved and I know it ~ and for me there is no greater gift than to send out love.  So please, make it a point everyday to send out love to others and most especially to yourself.  You are loved.  Be the candle that lights the way for another…pass it along and never let the light die out of your life!

Shine On!

xo

Shining Soul

Pick a star up in the sky and pretend that star is me.

Shining bright with love for you, so all the world can see…

Yesterday I told you a bit about my life and how it feels to be a woman without breasts because they were taken due to breast cancer.  This is my 3rd foray into trying to have breasts again and I am blessed to have found such an amazing doctor who has changed my life with her dedication to women who have endured more than their share of heartache, pain and emotional/physical anguish.

I will honestly tell you that the road to the ‘new normal’ after having breast cancer and multiple surgeries (10th breast cancer related surgery scheduled for December, but #14 in my life) with one more for 2013, is not an easy road to endure.  It’s a road full of pot holes, disappointments, pain and yet triumph as well.  It’s a road that is best when shared with others ~ easier to share with those of us who have traveled it or are traveling it with you.  It’s not for the faint of heart although I am still known to faint at the sight of a needle even after all of the needles I’ve endured over the years.

It’s no different than life for everyone else for we are all on this journey together.  None of us escape heartache, pain and sorrow.  Perhaps you’ve not had breast cancer, but you’ve been shouldering an illness, abuse, depression, a different type of cancer or some other difficulty.  It may not be the same, but the choice is ~ you can endure it and keep taking baby steps forward or you can allow it to rule your life and not move forward.

It’s your choice my friends.  What I’ve learned though is that it’s a choice that I make everyday. 

I can choose to allow my situation bring me down and epitomize the victim role/attitude by feeling sorry for myself, by crawling inside and not taking the helping hands which are offered to me.  Or I can choose to rise from it and shine like a star!  I can use my experiences (there are many beyond breast cancer but that’s for another day) to help others, to be kind, to be understanding, to have patience…to help, to support and to guide by what I know and have gleamed from my own life.

Learning to love your own body is a lesson we all need to learn, breast cancer or not! 

Learning to love yourself for me is a life-long process.

As I thought about my post yesterday, I realized that I have old tapes playing in my head of not being enough and perhaps that’s why I’ve been having such a terrible time lately ~ and perhaps that’s why Dr. Phil and Oprah’s magazine struck such a chord in me yesterday.  My inner voice, you know, that inner strength broke free yesterday from the bonds that I’d imposed on it.  Today I feel freer, I feel more like the girl I love to be ~ the one that may give you TMI (Too Much Information), but will do so willingly if it helps even one other person because that’s my goal here on my blog.

If I can touch just one of you, help one other person to feel that they are not alone, that yes, I have experienced the same as you and I am still here…inspire you to keep taking baby steps…then I feel like I am living according to my divine purpose.  Because that’s why we are all here ~ to help each other on this journey of life.  Helping hands can be found everywhere.  We all have a story to tell…it’s up to you how you write your story!

Breasts or not, I am still a woman who can say she is blessed to have seen the darkness of life and has chosen to search for the light and found it! 

You can’t appreciate the stars if you’ve never endured the darkness! 

Shine on my friends!  Shine on!

xo