Do You Fear Death?

This is probably a loaded question for a Monday morning, but on the heels of Easter, I thought I’d ask.  For you see, I’ve been thinking a lot about death these days since I’ve been taking care of a few family members who are older and plagued with dementia and I have recently had another one pass away.

Honestly, I do not fear death.  But, let me explain myself.  More than 20 years ago, I had a dream that I died.  As the old saying goes, ‘if you dream that you died, you will die’, but let me allay your fears as I am still here.  However, the dream is still as vivid as it was the morning I awoke from it, even after 15 surgeries, chemotherapy and radiation etc.  The peace I felt in the place I believe was Heaven stays within my heart, soul and mind.

The beauty that surrounded me was astounding in my dream.  I was in Heaven, with fields of colorful tulips as far as my eye could see, standing on the puffiest, softest white clouds imaginable.  In my dream, I knew I had passed away and had arrived in Heaven.  It was ethereal as you can imagine.  There was not a cloud in the sky, but a beautiful bright light emanated everywhere, surrounding me with such an incredible loving embrace and a true sense of peace.  I felt love deep within my soul like I have never felt before nor since in my life.  A innate sense of serenity and tranquility filled my being like never before and I remember smiling in wonder at the feeling.  I was standing still, taking in the entire scene and the beauty filled my soul.  I saw no one.  I just felt innately that I was where I belonged.  There was no regret in being there.  I felt no loss for having left Earth nor my family.  I simply felt that I was where I was supposed to be at that moment.  It was special.  It was life-altering.  The experience gave me such an utter peace in my soul that I continue to carry to this day and I feel blessed, honored and grateful to have experienced what I believe was a heavenly dream.

Why did I dream this?  I have no earthly idea as to the reason.  There was nothing wrong with me or any of my family so I don’t believe that it was a processing of a fear-based emotion.  Many years down the road, I was fighting for my life against breast cancer, but I’ve since healed and even though I’m never quite out of the woods per se, I am still here, cancer free for which I am grateful.

I would love to know how you feel about death.  Do you fear death?  Have you ever had a dream that you passed away?  Have you ever experienced anything similar?  Please share your stories and connect with me.

Shine On!

xo

 

 

 

DP ~ Transforming My Life

You have Breast Cancer

On New Year’s Eve 2001, at 1:15pm, the above words were barely out of the mouth of the breast surgeon who had taken 17 biopsies of my lump when my life was forever changed in an instant.  A single piece of paper confirmed the pathology of the lump and my life was immediately mapped out by science and not by me.  All of the plans I had laid with such good intentions went down the drain in that single moment.  My life, my body, my relationships, my future were suddenly not as I’d expected them to be and surprisingly, I was not that surprised.

For you see, I found the lump in November, but between doctor appointments, mammograms and life, the biopsy was not done until the day after Christmas that year.  The day after I hosted Christmas dinner with my husband and our families.  My last non-cancerous Christmas.  And the night before the news was given to me that I had Breast Cancer, I had dreamed that I had it and so when she told me the next day, I wasn’t really surprised.  In fact, I was so calm that she told me I was in shock and that I needed to come back the day after New Years so that she could deliver the future plans of how the doctors would proceed in treating me.  But I was calm, I knew. I heard everything she said and what hit me most was that I was not going to be able to return to teaching.  That’s what stuck in my head.  Not the lumpectomy and subsequent double mastectomy, not the ACT type of chemotherapy which makes all of your hair fall out, not the 6 weeks of radiation to follow.  Nope, it was that I wouldn’t be finishing out the year in my school.  Strange isn’t it what we think when confronted by this type of news?

My life took on a surreal aura after that ~ one that included many tears, much anxiety and a deeper understanding of myself.  I had never been the strong type or so I thought, but when confronted with the possibility of not being around for my boys ages 1 and 3, like an angry Mama Tiger I launched into fighting for my life.  Most of my family didn’t believe I could endure the journey of what I was about to embark on as I have always been a bit weak with pain.  But somehow, knowing that my husband believed I could do it and knowing that he would stand by my side and endure it with me, I was able to conjure up the inner strength needed to live and to supersede all expectations.

It is that priceless gift that my hubby gave me that changed us in an instant as well for this cancer journey hasn’t been easy for either one of us.  The patient has a tough time enduring the treatments, but it’s the spouse/significant other/caretaker who is the silent unsung hero.  It’s my hubby who knows what goes on after all of the family goes home.  It’s HE who holds me when I cry and I’ve just had enough.  He’s the one who understands and it’s to him that I look to for strength when mine is depleted.  It’s HIS face that I search for when I wake up after every surgery (and I’ve endured 15 so far with more to go).

Life goes on for everyone else after time which is good because who wants to be constantly reminded that you’ve endured Breast Cancer?  It’s bad enough to be reminded every morning when I shower and dress or when I have to be tested every 6 months or when I have health complications from it.  Breast Cancer affects life daily after diagnosis ~ it’s in every part of my life ~ even though I try very hard to ignore it.

I refuse to say that it was the best thing that ever happened to me ~ there’s been a bit of a scuttlebutt in the breast cancer world recently with that line.  However, I will say that it enriched my life.  It made me dig deeper into my soul.  I can never go back to the girl that I was on 12/30/01, but I don’t think that I’d want to now.  This girl of 8/6/2013 is a better person ~ psychologically, emotionally, spiritually ~ a better parent, a more loving partner and a most grateful human being.  I am still in the process of accepting the new me ~ it’s a challenge some days, but it’s one that I will continue to work my little Tiger Mama ass off in order to triumph!

You have to find the good in every situation.

Who knew ~ sometimes change is necessary!

Shine On!

xo

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Daily Prompt: Everything Changes

by michelle w. on August 6, 2013

Walking down the street, you encounter a folded piece of paper on the sidewalk. You pick it up and read it and immediately, your life has changed. Describe this experience.

Photographers, artists, poets: show us TRANSFORMATION.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/08/06/daily-prompt-transformation/

Be More Of A Dog?

Tiffany ~ age 5, American Bobtail

Eater of ribbons, warden of goldfish, loyal companion, chatterbox

This is our Tiffany, aka Tiffy, in all her splendor.  Truly she is not this big, but her coat is!  She is a joy in my life and has helped immensely with my sorrow in losing our 17 year old cat Chessie, with whom unfortunately Tiffy never really bonded when she was alive.  But alas, that’s not what my post is about today.

You see, I awoke this morning, knowing I wanted to write, but unable to put into words how I’ve been feeling lately.  I’ve been having some hard knocks recently and just haven’t been able to get my mojo back.  It’s like I’m going through a time warped transition and it’s been very difficult on all fronts in my life and seemingly with everyone in my life.  The common factor is me so I’ve been looking within and trying to work on what it is that is inherently bothering me.  Unfortunately, this is proving to be hard work, but then, I’ve learned that the more valuable something is, the more it’s worth working for in the long run.  I guess it’s all a part of my Inner Hotshot University class!

This morning, Ray, over at A Simple, Village Undertaker, surprised me with a cat video for the first time on his blog and I was smitten!  Because that’s how I feel right now ~ I feel like a dog in a cat’s body if that’s possible!  So perhaps if my words can’t explain what I’m experiencing, this video can!

Thanks to http://presurfer.blogspot.com/ for originally posting it!

Thanks to Ray as well!

Shine On!

xo

Be the Change…

be the change you wish to see in the world ~ gandhi

Did you get a chance to see The Shift that I wrote about here?  What did you think of it?  Did you enjoy it?  Did you feel delicious afterwards?  Were you inspired?  I felt all of the above plus I felt such an amazing connection that I want to lead the parade to be the change we wish to see in the world!  Want to join me?

Change is a great word ~ albeit a scary one to many as it involves the unknown which many times strikes fear in the hearts of those not ready to go with the flow.  My nature was to fear the unknown, but lately I’ve been feeling the urge to go with the flow and not worry so much about things.  Call it a bit of peace?  A bit of knowing?  A bit of feeling more confident by trusting in God/Universe/Angels/Me.

I’m not saying that I’m completely over worry or fear, but I’m sure as heck trying!  You see, I want inner peace and I want you all to enjoy it as well.  That delish feeling of being present and at peace!  Since I got a taste of it last week, it’s like having a small taste of  the most decadent chocolate (for a chocolate lover like me) and then knowing that the whole cake is there whenever I want it (but having to watch my waistline so I have to be careful not to eat it all at once without having any left!)  The kid in me wants to gobble it all down and hope for more.

Wait!!  I can conceivably gobble it all down, enjoy it abundantly and know that there’s more delicious chocolate cake to enjoy!

Huh?  You might be thinking…what is this post about?  To what is she referring?  Has she gone off her diet or her rocker?

Why YES ~ I am off the diet of fear!  I am off the diet of feeling afraid of change…I am off the diet of feeling starved for the delicious feeling of peace and presence!  Are you?

I spoke with my friend AAngel yesterday who talks about her job incessantly.  Whenever we chat on the phone, it is always about her job and how she has this deal and that deal that must be closed by this timeline and she’s always crazy busy, doing 2 things at once.  She means well, but I know when we get on the phone, she’ll be multi-tasking, sending emails while I’m talking etc.  Yesterday I mentioned that if she dislikes her job so much that she should find a new one.  Perhaps it’s time for a change?  There are plenty of jobs out there for her amazing skills and she could find one that makes her feel less-harried and more fulfilled.  I mentioned The Shift to her and she quickly dismissed it saying that she didn’t have 2 hours to sit and watch a movie because there was so much to do ~ work, being a mom, a wife, and needing to make money…and I understood as I’ve been in her shoes…but no more!

My life circumstances haven’t changed from the outside ~ no windfalls or lottery wins (yet!), but inside, there’s been the shift and it’s curious to me how it’s opened up a place of peace in my heart, my soul, myself.  This morning I awoke with my entire insides vibrating like the wings of a hummingbird with different thoughts of possibility!  I feel inspired today, like anything is possible and I’m loving it!  So please be patient with me if my post were a bit disjointed.  I’m having trouble focusing as there are so many wonderful possibilities for today!

Come SHIFT with me to the DELICIOUS side

of possibility, of change and of inner/outer peaceful presence! 

The infinite chocolate cake is decadent! 🙂

Shine On!

xo