I thought I had scheduled this post to be written this week, but I guess I didn’t do it right…forgive the lateness of it…I’m posting it anyway. I am home and safe, just in a lot of pain, so I’ll resume soon I promise. In the meantime, here’s the one I had ready for you while I was gone. xo
I have my surgery tomorrow so I won’t be posting for awhile. I awoke this morning in a haze, writing in my 1/2 sleeping stupor as I so often do ~ dreaming of 3 posts in which I tell it like it is ~ much like https://misifusa.wordpress.com/2012/11/28/breast-cancer-boobs-oprah-and-dr-phil/.
But alas, I hopped out of bed instead of trying to remember them and now they are lost. Perhaps it is better this way.
I want to make some points though before I endure my 4th surgery this year…not that I don’t believe I’ll be back to write again next week ~ but since each day is a precious gift, I want to make sure that you enjoy The Presents of Presence no matter what…and that perhaps through my experiences and your own, you can feel the preciousness of the gift of today.
There are a few points that I want to make…
I learned with my first breast cancer surgery back in January 2002 that even though we are all connected, you must rely on yourself, for nobody can live your life for you. I remember that day every time I walk into an operating room because the memory in burned into my mind. I hugged and kissed my beloved hubby goodbye, dressed in the 2 hospital gowns and no-slip uniform slippers that they gave me. I didn’t want to let him go and nestled my head into his shoulder with such force as to hope to meld completely into him so as not to have to go in alone. He is my strength you know. But after a few moments, the nurse quietly pulled me from him and led me to the operating room where I walked in, praying that I’d make it through the surgery and walk out.
I had never felt so alone as the doctors and nurses rapidly readied me for my surgery. They were all business-like and I realized that I was alone ~ in my head, in my thoughts and in my strength. I remember saying prayers in my head, ones that I had learned as a child and as the anesthesia took over, they had become the mantra of ‘please help me God.’
One of the hardest lessons I believe that we have to learn is that this is our life and we are responsible for it. We can lean on others for help, for support and for love and happiness, but truly, the job comes down to us. After that first surgery, I realized that I needed to find my inner strength in order to survive and in order make my life, body, soul healthy again.
I also learned that we are only a soul encased in a body shell of the same structures. When you are stripped down to wearing the 2 uniform gowns and generic slippers, you aren’t wearing any jewelry, nor makeup or hairpins. You are just as you were born. It makes no difference how big your ego is, or how much money you have, or how good-looking you are, or how many children you have, or if you are gay or if you are straight or if you are any type of religion.
Your body reacts the same no matter who you are on the outside/inside. Your heart still needs to beat, your lungs still need air and you require your inner strength in order to heal properly. I have found after 13 surgeries, you are not a person usually when you are operated on ~ you are body which needs help and the professionals who surround you do their best to make that happen.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve felt my soul. I’ve had moments where I’ve looked out of my eyes as my soul and seen the world through my soul’s eyes. You can say that I am trying to fix my shell by this current surgery which is very true. And yes, I am doing it for me, so that I live with less daily pain and because it can be done. But I also know that it’s my soul who counts the most, not the shell which encases it.
I am not sure I am making sense today to you. Perhaps I should have made 2 different posts ~ because I know this isn’t the most congruent post I’ve written. I hope you will get my gist though and that it will make you think of yourself and your shell and soul…and your inner strength.
I long to make a difference in this world…to touch the hearts and souls of others through the experiences I’ve endured because without making a difference to one, I feel that it is all for naught. I feel like God gave me this burden to strengthen me, to teach me compassion, love, light and a heartfelt lesson of faith.
I want you to know that I stand by what I say ~ that I am reaching out to you through my blogs ~ to hold your hand when you are feeling down and need a friend. I can’t be your everything, but I can stand beside you and be with you on this journey.
I have had a blessed life, of that there is no doubt. I am loved and I know it ~ and for me there is no greater gift than to send out love. So please, make it a point everyday to send out love to others and most especially to yourself. You are loved. Be the candle that lights the way for another…pass it along and never let the light die out of your life!