What About You?

It’s coming up on the 2nd anniversary of my Dad’s passing.  The rainy weather, my Mom’s sadness and my increasing melancholy mood isn’t helping the situation.  But then, a blogger friend reached out and a flood of emotion filled her comment page.  I had to stop myself and apologize.  It was as if the floodgates of someone asking, “what about you?” helped me to breathe in and out the emotion that has been ebbing under the surface these last few weeks.  Her simple question and knowing that she had lost her Mom around the same time, gave me the strength of bonding and of opening up to how I feel these days.  And it’s not that great.  I’m sad and I just don’t know why.

Father’s Day is almost here as well which adds its own twist for we had a hard time communicating.  Many times, Dad and I were at odds.  But as the second anniversary looms much of the anger and resentment which bombarded me has dwindled.  In its place remains a quiet understanding, an acceptance, a reluctance to judge a life that I had previously judged.  What remains is a bereft sadness for words left unsaid which I now say in my heart, a gift of forgiveness from me and a request for forgiveness for myself.  I am tired of carrying this burden.  I now try to allow it to rest.

It’s hard to explain how I feel for I think you needed to know the man in order to understand the complexity.  But then, we are all complex and surely there are others who feel similarly in their grief.  To you, I extend my hand and heart, saying the ever understanding words…

What about you?

Shine On!

xo

My heartfelt thanks to LoriLara ~ please stop by to visit her here.

Griefwalker Part 2

Photo of Stephen Jenkinson

My Ponderings from Griefwalker:

 “The cradle of your love of life is the fact that it ends.”

Does death at your door turn your life around?

Accept is too neutral, you have to love it.  That’s really active.  You have to say yes to that. (talking about death)

If you have to get the news of your death from somebody else, how firmly in your life are you?

 Grief is a skill, and the twin of grief as a skill of life is the skill of being able to praise or to love life.

Were you able to spend 5 minutes watching the trailer of the movie?  Much of what left me speechless and thinking about death and life was included in it ~ although the movie brings you even more ponderings as I’ve named them above.  What did you think about the trailer and movie?

Often death is a difficult subject.  Difficult to bring up to loved ones and difficult to accept (and to love).  Have you thought about your own mortality and your own death?   Have you had any brushes with death ~ have you been given a 2nd chance at life?  Do you live differently now because of it?

I do not fear death.  I am much like the woman in the movie who feels she la la’s her way through to the end of her life.  She doesn’t want to know how long she has left because of her terminal cancer diagnosis.

What do you think?  How do you feel?

Shine On!

xo

 

Papa, Can You Hear Me?

Maybe it’s because it’s the anniversary of the passing of our 17 year old ‘first born’ cat Chessie that has me thinking.  Or maybe it’s because I’ve transitioned to the next step of grief.  I could blame Theresa Caputo, the Long Island Medium for bringing me to tears episode after episode lately.  Or perhaps it’s just meant to happen now and I have to go with the flow.  So I’m going with the flow, for now.  Although 2 days ago, I must admit I was desperate to speak with Dad.

You may remember Dad passed away 1.5 years ago and for some reason, I awoke the other day with the intense feeling that I just had to hear from him.  It was so strong that I actually contacted a recommended medium in the area and tried to book an appointment for that very day.  She had nothing available, but instead of writing back to my email, she called me.  Kindly, she explained that she didn’t have any appointments open until Monday which in my head was too far away.  I explained it was too far away, that I felt I needed a reading today.  I wasn’t trying to be pushy, I just wanted her to understand the gaping hole that I had in the center of my being at that moment.  So gaping in fact that I would tell the medium how I felt so strongly that I needed to be read TODAY!

She told me that she wouldn’t be able to read me because she was conducting a radio show that very day from 1-3pm and that if I wanted, I could call in to get a free reading.  It wouldn’t be from her, but from her guest but that perhaps that would help me.  She told me how to get the information, what to do and I thanked her profusely.

So at 1pm, seated in front of my computer, I anxiously radio-ed in to her show.  After awhile, I called in and she took my call, allowing me to be read by her guest.  But a funny thing happened.  I started off explaining that I wanted to speak to my Dad who had passed away and I was immediately explained the following:

Like at Christmas dinner with our relatives, we can’t control them ~ we can’t decide who shows up and who says what.  So relax, allow the reading to flow and let’s see who comes in.

And so I flowed.  But Dad didn’t.  The reading that I received didn’t make sense to me at the time.  I wrote all the information as it was delivered to me, all the while trying to figure out who the brother figure was who came through (I now know ~ a friend who passed in October) and was surprised at the confirmation that I have healing gifts.

But no Dad. Hrmph…Sigh…a little bit of frustration.

So a few days have passed now.  The inkling is still there that I need to hear from him.  I need to know what he’s thinking, if he’s ok and to let him know that I’m finally at peace myself.  But I guess he already knows this, right?  So why am I thinking so much of him?

Have you ever gone to a Medium?  Have you received a message from a loved one who has passed?  Do you believe in Mediums?  Please share!

Shine On!

xo