It Takes Courage to Be A Caregiver

To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart,

and sing it to them when they have forgotten.*

The movie Still Alice haunts me to my core and yet every time I watch it, I glean more insight and my heart breaks open a bit more.  And still, I continue to watch it when I am alone.  Why, you may ask?  Why would you make yourself sad intentionally?  Isn’t it hard enough to experience your family enduring the road that Alzheimer’s Disease and Dementia have put us on?  And the answer is yes.

But, I search for answers.  I find power within when I allow myself to feel each character’s pain.  It may sound funny to you, but I can relate to Alice, to her husband, to her daughters, all in different times in my life, and at times, simultaneously.  My compassion for the characters and for my family members increases every time I watch the movie.

I am compassionate and I love deeply.  This is who I am.  I need to understand how to best serve my family and how to best serve myself.  I have an ache in my core which carries my courage to push me to accept the unacceptable and to hold that precious gift of time, of making memories that may never stay and of holding the hands and hearts with those who at some point, may never remember who I am nor who they are.  It’s like I hold a flickering candle which I desperately protect in my soul.  I hold my candle in the darkness, like a beacon, hoping for that twinge of awareness, even if it is only for a moment.  I will feel like I did my best.  For I can’t give up on them or on myself.

I grieve in the quiet moments of solitude for them and for myself.  I call daily, visit monthly and spend hours making sure all their needs are met.  I do it with love and compassion and courage for it’s hard.  But it’s necessary and I make myself do those things that are necessary even when I want to turn away from the truth.

I learned long ago from cancer, that our lives are constantly changing and that we need to find a new normal with each and every experience.  We either choose to grow with the experience or we choose to stagnate.  We can turn our backs on the experience or we can move out of our comfort zones to find the courage to accept what we deem unacceptable and take baby steps towards a new normal.

I choose courage.  To look at my life with gratitude.  To be grateful for the opportunity to help my family.  To be kinder to myself, more patient and more present.  To sing the song in my heart and to have the courage to shine my heartlight even in the darkest night.  Come join me…take my hand and let’s sing and…

Shine On!

xo

*Photo credit:  FB Alzheimer’s Awareness

We Are More Than Our Scars

“I am more than my scars.”
― Andrew Davidson

Having traveled this breast cancer journey for 14 years, I have learned a lot about myself and others.  I love the quote above for in it I find fortitude even in my darkest hours.  My scars bear witness to the horrors I’ve endured.  My body, mind and soul, along with my heart, have been ravaged and yet I still am here, cancer free.  True, my physical appearance has changed.  Some may not find me attractive and that’s ok for me.  For I feel as if the light that has brought me through the toughest of times, still burns brightly inside my heart.  Though I have aged, my heart is filled with light, hope, positivity and love for which I am truly grateful.  My soul shines, my challenges have changed me, making me stronger, more self-assured and not so frightened anymore.

I allow others to be whom they choose without resentment nor anger.  It does not serve me.  I still speak my truth with kindness.  I am finding the me that was lost on this journey.  Growing confidence with every step of independence and connecting with others as we walk each other home towards our end.  Scars may damage us.  However, when you change the way you see them, you remember that they simply show how strong we are to have braved atrocities to our physical bodies.  Wear them proudly, a badge of honor that you have been able to dig deep inside to grow, to learn, to be tested and to surpass the expectations of ourselves and others.

It is not easy to become accepting of our scars, whether others can see them or not.  In such a physical world where first we are judged by our looks, it is often disappointing to not be seen for whom our souls are and be found worthy.  To be seen, but not heard is a challenge that we must overcome.  And it starts with you.

Compassion for ourselves is the first step.  To love ourselves, scars and all.  To treat ourselves with loving kindness and to embrace self-love so that others may see our loving selves.  To look at others with the same loving eyes is the next step.  To see the good in every single person.  To forgive ourselves and others for what has trespassed and to empathize with our good hearts and find the goodness in each soul with whom we come into contact.  To forgive what we deem unforgivable and to move onwards and upwards towards the light in life.

Some scars do not show on the physical body.  We hide them in our hearts, minds and souls.  Past hurts and regressions can tear at our core selves, shredding even the strongest souls, breaking hearts, belief systems and our self-esteem.  Rebuilding, baby step by baby step, requires the heart, mind and soul to open with trembling vulnerability to find a new normal.  We need to embrace the changes that scarred us and empty our beings of regret.  Stand in our power and release what no longer serves us.  To take the scars which broke us and heal ourselves and others.  To love even those who scarred us.  To observe their scars and see within their hearts that they are broken as well.  To embrace a compassionate life and shine our little heartlights filled with love.

So as you go about your day today, smile.  Be the loving energy that I know you are and embrace your loving heartlight so that you shine from within, thus brightening your world and connecting your light to others.  You never know how a simple smile, a kind word and a loving embrace can change you and others.

Embrace your scars, love yourself and let love be your guide as you go about your day.

Shine On!

xo

Have You Ever Felt Like Dumbo?

As the holiday season approaches, I must confess I feel a bit like Dumbo.  Sad, lonely and abandoned.  It’s not that like Dumbo, I don’t have a friend like Timothy the Mouse.  The fact is that I am eternally grateful for the many friends who have stuck by me as my life has changed dramatically.  But I still feel a bit like the scared Dumbo above, lost and lonely.

I think holidays bring up many unresolved issues in our lives and when all are celebrating, those of us whose lives have changed irrevocably have a hard time adjusting to the merriment.  It’s not that we truly want to bring others down to our own low vibrations, but we feel how we feel and sometimes, we simply need a Timothy the Mouse to bring us a magic feather in order for us to see how we can fly.

It’s a difficult season when we have lost loved ones to death or abandonment.  A part of our hearts go with those who leave in whatever form.  A broken heart learns to heal albeit slowly and there comes a time when we have to confront ‘the elephant in the room.’  For my own self, I am struggling quite honestly with how to go about my first holiday season ~ mentally, physically and emotionally for myself and my sons.  It is not an easy transition for any of us and one that I’ve learned is without any rules.  The best we can do is to look beyond ourselves to those around us, keeping in mind that all are hurting as well.  But to have the courage to enter the circus of holiday parties, feeling like Dumbo, is something that I’m honestly struggling with and I am hoping that someone who reads my blog may have the magic feather for me so that, like Dumbo, I can learn to fly.

I know that my situation is not abnormal and that perhaps you have endured this change as well in your life, or know someone else who has survived this type of heartbreak.  I would truly appreciate any and all support, advice and ‘magic feather’ that you can offer at this time.  I know that in my heart, I can endure the holidays with my head held high for my children’s sakes, but at what price to my own self?  I battle with these thoughts and more daily as Thanksgiving approaches and the hubbub of the holiday season and parties begins.

I apologize for such a sad post today.  Usually I am upbeat and try to be inspirational, but I am faltering and now look to your kindness with hopeful yearning.  Does anyone have a magic feather to lend?  I am looking to fly my dear friends.  Any and all help is appreciated and if you feel like sharing any special Timothy advice, I am open and willing to listen and to embrace my strength, my tenacity and my inner love to fly.

Thanks for being with me everyday.  I am so grateful to all of my readers and friends.  May you never let go of your magic feather for we are all meant to fly!

Shine On!

xo

*Credit to the internet for the photos above of Dumbo from the movie.