Tag Archive | divorce

Accept Them For Who They Are

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Few relationships are perfect as you may know from personal experience.  Many times we wrestle with people in our lives and the relationships we share with them.  It’s a dance, sometimes even a chacha – a few steps forward, a few steps backwards and always flowing.

With that in mind, sometimes we come to the conclusion that toxic relationships need the heave-ho as much as it may or may not hurt.  We choose to discontinue relationships which aren’t working.  Sometimes people become bitter.  Sometimes people become disconnected.  Sometimes the end of a relationship seems not to matter in the least to them and sometimes it matters very much.

But the bottom line is:  Accept Them For Who They Are.

In every relationship, we have opportunities to grow and to learn.  Sometimes they are lessons we would rather not have and sometimes there are no horrendous lessons, just good old-fashioned love and comfort.  Do you know what I mean?

But those who are difficult in your life may be here to help you along with the lessons of life.  They are not here to necessarily be a pain in your neck as it may seem, but instead may be teachers who help you to grow in life.

Some relationships are here for a lifetime, some only for a season.  What bonds us to people is simple:  love and acceptance.

No relationship is perfect.  But in accepting people for who they are, we truly love them.  Not superficial love or that controlling love whereby we make it conditional.

True love which sometimes is rare.

You choose who you love and you can choose to love with heartfelt acceptance or not.  It’s truly up to you.  But to meet all people with acceptance in your heart is difficult at times.  We wish people reacted or acted in certain ways because it’s easier.  But to accept them for their choices is far better for us.  Give free will to love.

It’s an ongoing lesson for me which in my life has had twists and turns and has filled up my dance card with many chacha’s.  But I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

Love your life and those in it, past, present and future with acceptance.

Shine On!

xo

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Help for Middle-Schoolers

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I’ve mentioned many times over the last few days that there is help at school for parents and for students.  A friend of mine wrote a book that I want to share since I unexpectedly began a series on the beginning of school for teachers, parents and students.

Because I always want to help, here’s my tip for you!  This book is a keeper and I’m not just saying that!  If you have Middle-schoolers, this is a great book for you!

From tears and fears to cheers—the adult guide for middle-schoolers… Twenty of the most common issues that drive emotional middle-school students to the school counselor’s door are told in story form based on real-life confidential meetings, phone calls, and interventions. Stories include practical life lessons and inspiring solutions for such problems as anger management, eating disorders, peer pressure, bullying, divorcing parents, failure spirals, broken friendships, gossip, sexual harassment, and test and performance anxiety. The stories also provide insight for challenges with parents, teachers, or siblings, and they help students deal with being new at school, death and major change in the family, and friends who are desperate or hurting themselves. Each of the chapters details the process of taking these educationally disruptive issues from emergence to resolution in a format perfect for use by school counselors, teachers, and parents. Additionally, each chapter offers discussion and reflection questions at the end to help promote insight through discussions with individuals, groups, or in classrooms. This full range of school counselor programs, professional resources, and responsibilities is the perfect read for the school counselor wanting new tools and strategies, or for the graduate student wanting an understanding and guide for the career they have chosen. And for the parent or teacher, this book will help them support the social and emotional growth of their middle-school children with an understanding of their emotional needs.

Click here to see the video of her book!

Click here to buy a copy for yourself!

Join Behind the Counselor’s Door on Facebook!

Shine On!

xo

Clear Away the Clutter

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Since we are moving soon, I’m cleaning out the clutter – decades of it and it’s hard.  I am a saver at heart and because I’m downsizing, it’s time to release and move on with my life.  Nostalgia takes hold occasionally and I release a few tears as I remember happier times.  That which I choose to hold onto are the favorites, the items that bring me joy in my life, not those which remind me of the past.

It’s exhausting work, this decluttering and although I’ve read my share of ‘how to declutter’  and feng shui books, I can sometimes get bogged down in memories when I find a little treasure that I had forgotten.  Perhaps it’s the chemo brain or mid-life loss of memory that are the reasons I’ve forgotten.  Who knows?  But I continue to choose to think that it’s a rite of passage when I can be reminded by an item and then put it in a pile and not pack it away to be moved to our next home.

Letting go is easy for some people.  For me, sometimes, it’s a challenge, but I am happy to report that it’s been one of those life lessons that I never wanted to partake in and yet, I’m finding happiness by going through it.  I’m releasing and sending items with love to new owners so that they can find joy in them as well.  I figure it doubles the joy that the item’s lifetime gives!  Does that sound silly?  I guess it can sound silly, but it’s a mindset that has been working for me, so I’m sticking with it.

Clutter bogs down the mind, body and soul although when we are in the midst of it, some of us don’t realize it (meaning me).  Now that I’m clearing away items that I thought I would use someday or used for a bit and now don’t, I’m finding that it’s opening spaces of light and opportunity in my life.

Have you felt this way?

Change is hard for most of us.  Endings are only new beginnings I know, but they are still hard to fathom sometimes when we aren’t sure where the new path is taking us.  I think I’d feel better if I were able to see and know where I am going.  But I trust that God has a plan and I am surrendering to His plan.

I hope you have a lovely Memorial Day Weekend!

Shine On!

xo

Le Petit Prince ~ What does that mean – Tame?

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The Little Prince

By  Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Dear friends, have you read this book?  I just finished it for the first time and I find it fascinatingly chock full of mini life lessons.  Although I’m not altogether sure I understand everything the author is trying to relay to us as grown-ups, there were passages which I found to be worthy of further thought.  I would love to hear your thoughts on the book if you have read it so that I can learn from your experience.

For example, on relationships:

“I am looking for friends. What does that mean — tame?”

“It is an act too often neglected,” said the fox. “It means to establish ties.”

“To establish ties?”

“Just that,” said the fox. “To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world….”

and…

“So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near–

“Ah,” said the fox, “I shall cry.”

“It is your own fault,” said the little prince. “I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you . . .”

“Yes, that is so,” said the fox.

“But now you are going to cry!” said the little prince.

“Yes, that is so,” said the fox.

“Then it has done you no good at all!”

“It has done me good,” said the fox, “because of the color of the wheat fields.”

and…

“You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.”

and..

“One runs the risk of weeping a little, if one lets himself be tamed.”

and…

“I remembered the fox. One runs the risk of crying a bit if one allows oneself to be tamed.”

As in yesterday’s post about love, I guess I am running on a theme these past few days.  There are those who swear off closeness with others when they’ve been hurt.  They are reminded all too often that even though there is a precious gift in connecting with someone, taming, as in this story, there is weeping when ‘one lets himself be tamed’ as well.  We allow our souls to connect for a time and when/if they become dislodged and disconnected, we weep for the hurt.  It happens often in many different types of relationships, as you may understand from personal experience.  It needn’t be a love relationship such as a marriage or dating, although that is hard when it ends.  There can be other types of separations, disconnections, that can be just as heartbreaking.  Friendships and family relationships can grow apart or even break altogether, having served the life duration of the relationship and still, there is that bit of crying when the ties are severed.  It’s a part of relationships sometimes, that they have a time limit, a life cycle so to speak.  We grow together, tame each other by feeling that special closeness and then, through experiences, we separate and move on.  Sometimes neither person wants to do this, but perhaps circumstances are not in our favor.

I welcome the weeping at the end, for it means that the relationship was special, unique and one that I shan’t forget.  Like the fox who is reminded of The Little Prince when he sees the golden wheat, I know in my heart, that it has done me good.

How about you?

Shine On!

xo

You Can’t Make Someone Love You

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Once I was told, “You can’t make someone love you,” and a surging feeling of sadness enveloped me at that very moment.  I struggled to understand what she meant by the seemingly offhanded comment.  If my heart is so full of love for someone, why couldn’t they love me?  It seemed preposterous at the time for I truly believed that love could conquer all problems.

But in this case, I found her words to ring true.

My love could not conquer all problems.  Without love on both sides and a willingness to listen, to speak honestly and to be vulnerable, there is no healing or reconciliation.  Relationships can be messy as I’ve learned, although truthfully, I’ve known this for a long time.  Haven’t you?  There’s that old adage of “he said, she said,” which really means “he thinks, she thinks” and there’s little middle ground to forge a bridge between them when both sides don’t listen and share, give and take, and do so without keeping score.

It’s been a life long lesson for me that I am still learning, albeit slowly.  Behind my rose-colored glasses there’s a girl who still believes in love and who still loves with her whole heart.  Another friend once told me that my heart breaks open wider because I love with my whole heart and that most people do not open themselves up that wide and with so much vulnerability.  I felt sad, but I can only be who I am.  Innately, I love with my whole heart and truly, I have had that heart broken wide open, shattered beyond recognition.

But in slowly gathering up the pieces, one by one, holding each piece of my heart tenderly, I’ve put my heart back together.  I’ve restored my soul and chosen to live my life again, with whole-warmheartedness, continuing to love with my whole heart and not just with the broken pieces that I took time to mold back together again.

There are those whom I’ve met, who have been wounded to the core of their beings and they vow that they will never love again that way.  I understand the feeling of needing protection and of guarding our hearts.  Feeling broken-hearted is utterly painful and as humans, we try to safeguard ourselves from pain in every moment.  But there is something precious in loving with our whole hearts, that I can’t let go of, as I believe it is innate with me, a part of me that still believes in love.

I agree that we can’t make someone love us, but we can still love them.  Obviously not in the stalker way, but with a small piece of peace in our hearts.  Love their essence, love that part of them you once treasured, love the memories of your entwined journey that were beautiful.  Let go of the past.  Move forward into the light.  You can survive a broken heart with grace and dignity.  Allow your heartlight to shine radiantly as you move forward in peace.  A loving heart like ours never dies.  Our heartlights may dim for a bit, but love is a precious gift that we give to ourselves and we give to others.  Let your heart be full of love.

Shine On!

xo

Help When The Rug Gets Pulled Out From Under You

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When the rug gets pulled out from under you, when you fall off the horse, when you feel like you’ve been sucker-punched, when you fall down, when you’ve been side-swiped, when you’ve been dumped, when you experience failure, when you’ve lost it all, when you fill in the blank, ~ there are so many quotes to explain when life knocks you down and throws you for a loop.  I am sure you can think of many others.  But it’s the answer to the question that leaves us hanging.

What is the solution?

We’ve all experienced changes that we’ve seen coming and also have been blinded by when we least expect it.  Changes can be in any part of our lives ~ finances, health, love, relationships, family, jobs etc.  Some of the lessons I’ve learned when the proverbial rug has been pulled out from under me (which it has in many aspects of my life) is this…

YOU need to find peace and a new normal for yourself.

Nobody can or will do it for you.  It’s only up to you.  Sure you may be able to count on friends  and perhaps family to help, but the bottom line is that the only one who CAN do it, is YOU!  And it’s hard.  It’s changing the way you look at your life and at your choices.  It’s taking responsibility for your part in the whatever the situation is and moving forward.  It’s giving YOURSELF your full attention and then deciding how to deal with the enormity of the change in your life.

To do this, you must be honest with yourself.  Nobody wants to hear about it after awhile, so it’s up to you.  You can seek advice from those who have experienced the same situation.  You weigh what you know, what you learn and you incorporate the best parts into your new normal.  The best advice I can give you is to find peace, however you need to find it.  You need to not give up or give in.  Re-find your balance.  Get back on the horse.  Put yourself back in the game.  Find a new job.  Begin again.  Grieve for what you feel is lost and then find peace within you.  Connect with yourself again for somewhere along the line, you’ve lost yourself and your power.  Use your power for bettering yourself and those around you.  Look up to God and the Angels for help if you are spiritual/religious.  Look inside yourself for strength that you have, but maybe haven’t tapped into yet.  Stand on your own two feet (after getting up).  If you must, walk away, crawl away and take baby steps towards your future.  Take time to honor your sadness and the changes in your life.  Weigh the pros and cons before taking any definitive baby steps.

But do it all with peace in your heart.

Yes, you can blame others for your situation and the blame could be correctly placed on them, but what good does that serve you?  It only makes you resentful, angry and operating at a low vibration.  I’m not saying to be a doormat by any means.  But to use up your precious life with negativity hurts only you.  It dims your heartlight.  It destroys your soul.  It hurts you in more ways that you can even begin to imagine.  And haven’t you already been hurting enough?

So today, dear friends, is your day.  Take a few minutes to concentrate on you ~ begin a plan that includes a little me time everyday.  It can be as simple as a bubble bath or a ten minute meditation.  You can write in your journal, plan for 2016, take a heart-healthy walk, talk to a friend, get some fur therapy from a favorite animal, sing, dance, walk outside and commune with nature.

Be kind to you…be kind to others.  Lead with the love in your heart.  Shine your heartlight for all to see and goodness comes your way.  But it’s up to you.  Take my hand.  Walk with me.  We will take baby steps to the new you!

Shine On!

xo

 

 

 

Friendship Comes in All Colors

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A friend is one of the nicest things you can have, and one of the best things you can be. -Douglas Pagels

Sometimes just a diagnosis of an illness, breast cancer or not, can be isolating.  Think about it.  Any type of bad news can have this same affect on us ~ the death of a family member, friend, loved one, the diagnosis of our own disease or illness or that of a loved one ~ the death of a marriage, a friendship, a relationship ~ a change in a loved one (domestic violence, drugs, jail) ~ any heart stopping trauma usually is isolating to us at the time.  It’s up to us to see how much we let it affect us and what we do with those feelings.

It’s hard to reach out when you’re in that whirlwind of change.  The trauma many times cuts to our inner core, shakes up what we had thought we had control over and then leaves us as if we’d been thrown into a washing machine on high spin ~ only to be so dizzy by the news that we can only sit in the corner and watch the world go around.  It seems too hard to get up to move sometimes after this happens.  It’s simply mind-numbing no matter the situation.

And that’s where friendships begin and end.

It’s where the hand of friendship reaches out and doesn’t judge, but simply holds in it much love and comfort.  You don’t have to understand what’s going on with a friend in order to be a friend.  You just have to know when to listen, when to hug and when to hold hands.  It’s that simple and much appreciated!  For what you give out, you get back a hundred fold!  There’s no greater return on investment than true friendship!

So whether you need a friend or you can be a friend or both ~ today’s the day to be inspired ~ today’s your day to smile at someone else!  Wouldn’t it be nice to cast a bit of sunshine out to someone else today?  I know you can do it!  We are all here together to help each other to Shine On!  So get out your sparkle and let’s go!

I’m sending BIG HUGS, Happy Smiles and I’m holding my hand out to you!

Grasp my hand and let’s SOAR!

Shine On!

xo