DP ~ Transforming My Life

You have Breast Cancer

On New Year’s Eve 2001, at 1:15pm, the above words were barely out of the mouth of the breast surgeon who had taken 17 biopsies of my lump when my life was forever changed in an instant.  A single piece of paper confirmed the pathology of the lump and my life was immediately mapped out by science and not by me.  All of the plans I had laid with such good intentions went down the drain in that single moment.  My life, my body, my relationships, my future were suddenly not as I’d expected them to be and surprisingly, I was not that surprised.

For you see, I found the lump in November, but between doctor appointments, mammograms and life, the biopsy was not done until the day after Christmas that year.  The day after I hosted Christmas dinner with my husband and our families.  My last non-cancerous Christmas.  And the night before the news was given to me that I had Breast Cancer, I had dreamed that I had it and so when she told me the next day, I wasn’t really surprised.  In fact, I was so calm that she told me I was in shock and that I needed to come back the day after New Years so that she could deliver the future plans of how the doctors would proceed in treating me.  But I was calm, I knew. I heard everything she said and what hit me most was that I was not going to be able to return to teaching.  That’s what stuck in my head.  Not the lumpectomy and subsequent double mastectomy, not the ACT type of chemotherapy which makes all of your hair fall out, not the 6 weeks of radiation to follow.  Nope, it was that I wouldn’t be finishing out the year in my school.  Strange isn’t it what we think when confronted by this type of news?

My life took on a surreal aura after that ~ one that included many tears, much anxiety and a deeper understanding of myself.  I had never been the strong type or so I thought, but when confronted with the possibility of not being around for my boys ages 1 and 3, like an angry Mama Tiger I launched into fighting for my life.  Most of my family didn’t believe I could endure the journey of what I was about to embark on as I have always been a bit weak with pain.  But somehow, knowing that my husband believed I could do it and knowing that he would stand by my side and endure it with me, I was able to conjure up the inner strength needed to live and to supersede all expectations.

It is that priceless gift that my hubby gave me that changed us in an instant as well for this cancer journey hasn’t been easy for either one of us.  The patient has a tough time enduring the treatments, but it’s the spouse/significant other/caretaker who is the silent unsung hero.  It’s my hubby who knows what goes on after all of the family goes home.  It’s HE who holds me when I cry and I’ve just had enough.  He’s the one who understands and it’s to him that I look to for strength when mine is depleted.  It’s HIS face that I search for when I wake up after every surgery (and I’ve endured 15 so far with more to go).

Life goes on for everyone else after time which is good because who wants to be constantly reminded that you’ve endured Breast Cancer?  It’s bad enough to be reminded every morning when I shower and dress or when I have to be tested every 6 months or when I have health complications from it.  Breast Cancer affects life daily after diagnosis ~ it’s in every part of my life ~ even though I try very hard to ignore it.

I refuse to say that it was the best thing that ever happened to me ~ there’s been a bit of a scuttlebutt in the breast cancer world recently with that line.  However, I will say that it enriched my life.  It made me dig deeper into my soul.  I can never go back to the girl that I was on 12/30/01, but I don’t think that I’d want to now.  This girl of 8/6/2013 is a better person ~ psychologically, emotionally, spiritually ~ a better parent, a more loving partner and a most grateful human being.  I am still in the process of accepting the new me ~ it’s a challenge some days, but it’s one that I will continue to work my little Tiger Mama ass off in order to triumph!

You have to find the good in every situation.

Who knew ~ sometimes change is necessary!

Shine On!

xo

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Daily Prompt: Everything Changes

by michelle w. on August 6, 2013

Walking down the street, you encounter a folded piece of paper on the sidewalk. You pick it up and read it and immediately, your life has changed. Describe this experience.

Photographers, artists, poets: show us TRANSFORMATION.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/08/06/daily-prompt-transformation/

All Aboard Pink Express

I love roses ~ heck, I love all flowers if the truth be told!  In fact, I have repeatedly told my hubby to not bother with flowers at my funeral because I make sure that now, while I”m living, that I have fresh flowers in my home that I can enjoy whenever I want.  It’s true!  And no, just for the record, I’m not dying anytime soon ~ at least that’s my plan and I’m sticking to it!  But truly, my own personal opinion is that if you enjoy flowers, you should enjoy them now while you’re breathing, smelling their fragrant aroma and enjoying the beauty of their petals!  I don’t want to see a ton of flowers at my funeral when I can’t see them except from Heaven (again, this is said in hope that I’m going there eventually as well! ) 🙂

But today, I’m presenting you with a bouquet of flowers ~ pink roses in honor of your warrior spirit in becoming a survivor.

Ugh, I’m sorry, but I dislike the word survivor ~ and the word warrior doesn’t do it for me either.  I like to think of myself as having endured breast cancer for to me, the word endure means that I didn’t like it, but I put up with it and I’m now so over it as well!  What do you think?

Diagnosed at age 34, I was not prepared to be a young mom who lost both of her breasts, although honestly, no matter what your age is, I don’t think any of us are prepared for the diagnosis of any disease, are we?  I specifically remember the breast surgeon when she was doing my needle biopsy which was December 26th, telling me, “I will be so surprised if this mass is breast cancer.  Don’t worry,” which I know she meant to be reassuring to me because I was squirming with the many needles that she’d given me.

So when her nurse called on New Year’s Eve at 11am asking for me to come in at 1pm and to bring my husband, I knew ~ this wasn’t going to be good news.  I remember hanging up the phone, my hands shaking uncontrollably and telling my husband.  I remember he bundled up our boys who were 1 and 3 yrs old off to his parents’ house ~ who cancelled their party that night and instead hosted our little family of 4 after the appointment for which I will always be grateful.

I can still see myself in her office, hubby at my side, hearing her tell us what she thought my future held:  lumpectomy, ACT chemo (the kind you lose your hair with), radiation and it was then that I heard that lonesome train whistle blow ~ Wooooo Woooooo ~ and the Pink Express roared into the station of my life!

Now the Daily Prompt today, “You have the choice to erase one incident from your past, as though it never happened. What would you erase and why?” and I guess my answer would be, “No, I wouldn’t erase getting diagnosed with breast cancer.”

You see, breast cancer changed me:  physically, mentally, emotionally and it changed my family, my friends and my loved ones.  It stamped its mark on my life in such an indelible way that I can’t go back now to that girl I was beforehand and I don’t want to believe it or not.  I’m not saying that I liked enduring cancer, oh no!  That’s not the point at all!  But breast cancer made me grow spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally ~ it changed the way I look at life and things and people and myself.  Instead of rushing about, I now take a moment to stop and smell those roses, smile at that stranger, reach out to touch someone else without fear of being different.  I found my healing touch which unless you’ve suffered, you truly can’t tap into that inner dark abyss and linger too long.  It is perhaps because we’ve suffered that we can more easily connect with others through empathy, understanding and kindness.  It is our willingness to dig deep into our souls to allow for the sunshine to spring forth into our daily lives.  It is the midnight, all alone in the darkness insomnia which allows us to deepen our human experience.  It is facing our mortality which reminds us to dance in the rain, look up at the sky and to be grateful for each precious moment we can treasure in our lives.  It is knowing that forgiveness is key and allowing the soul to rejoice in the littlest triumphs.  Breast cancer gave me the courage to speak up, to ask for what I needed and to receive it.

I wish I hadn’t endured all that I have, but if it is what I had to do in order to have the level of human understanding that I do now so that I can help others, well, then it was suffering well worth the price.

So I’m off to buy myself some flowers ~ you should too!

Don’t forget to stop and smell the roses!

Shine On!

xo

Daily Prompt: Erasure You have the choice to erase one incident from your past, as though it never happened. What would you erase and why? http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/03/12/daily-prompt-erasure/

Daily Prompt ~ The Present

“Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery.

Today is a gift. That’s why it is called the present.”

― Eleanor Roosevelt

P.S.  My apologies to Daily Prompt ~ I thought we could pick a ‘cliche’ like bird in the hand!  Whoops!

This is one of my all time favorite quotes and I am so happy that the  Daily Prompt  today allows me to share why Eleanor’s quote is so near and dear to me.  For those that don’t know, I am an 11 year breast cancer survivor and this was one of the many quotes which changed my life.  In fact, it changed me so profoundly that I made it my motto!

BC (Before cancer) I was a happily married mom of 2 boys ages 3 and 1 who was a full-time Spanish teacher who loved her life.  Blessed with my dream hubby, dream job and 2 healthy, happy sons, my life was great although my hubby was traveling a lot at the time so I was learning a lot about myself and how to juggle a full, fast-paced life!

No mistaking it ~ I was happy, but I was rushing through my life at breakneck speed.  It seemed that  I was constantly concentrating on teaching and my children and my husband and our family life and our house, our cat, our finances and such ~ all at the same time with the same intensity.  What I wasn’t concentrating on was myself.   I was taking “me time” which was falling asleep on the couch watching tv after I put the kids to bed when my husband wasn’t around, but I always keeping one ear and eye open for any stray noises in the night or a child’s sniffle.  You know what that’s like if you’re a parent.  It is the norm for so many people!

Then came the morning when I found the lump and after that, my life as I knew it changed in an instant although I didn’t realize it at the time.

The beauty in my present life is that when I write my blog and post on my FB page, I do it from a place of knowing and experience.  I’m not just some rah rah inspirational woman who hasn’t lived in the sad place of illness or been beaten down by 14 surgeries or lost her femininity for awhile along with her breasts, her hair and her sense of self.  I’ve known grief, depression, loss and sadness in my life.  I’ve experienced a multitude of unspeakable moments which have shaped me into the woman I am today.  And what I find so amazing is that if I had to endure the past journey that I have lived in order to be in this amazing place of now, today ~ then I feel that I am blessed with a PRESENT for which I am ever grateful!

Because I am still that gal who sees the glass as 1/2 full, frolics with her amazing children, holds hands with the same wonderful hubby, now enjoys napping with 2 cats and who has grown in so many ways and appreciates life every step of the way!  It’s your choice, it’s in your attitude, for it’s your life and you hold the key to your happiness!

Today is yours ~ you have a choice ~

Enjoy the Presents of Presence!

Shine On!

xo

 

Bonding with Strangers

I awoke this morning at 3am which isn’t that unusual for me for it happens often.  In fact, when I have these in the middle of the night awakenings, they are often accompanied by insightful messages and ideas which I use to write about in my blogs.  Last night’s 3:33am thought has flourished into an idea which I hope to expand upon another day.  But for now, I wanted to talk about connections.

Have you ever met someone and immediately felt a connection ~ felt like you’ve known them, immediately begun to tell them things that not many others know about you and felt safe doing it?  Just knowing it was right to share?   I have enjoyed that gift in my life many times ~ and a few have been life altering in a good way and for JAngel (you know who you are) I am very grateful.

Yesterday my phone rang ~ the head coordinator of the American Cancer Society Reach to Recovery Program called to ask for my help with a newly diagnosed 32 year old woman who had just had a double mastectomy.  I had stopped being a R2R volunteer this year as I had so much on my plate already that I didn’t think I could help anyone else.   However, as we talked yesterday, I realized that it’s time for me to return to volunteering and to helping others travel this journey.

And as BAngel (the coordinator) and I spoke on the phone, it was like we were old friends even though we’d never met.  Both of us are 10 year survivors and as survivors often do, we bonded within moments and began to tell our respective stories to each other, easily asking and answering questions of how the diagnosis was made, what doctors we had (and we shared one!) and joked about some of the funny things that had happened to us along the way.  We shared how we found our breast cancers, what surgeries we endured, what types of chemotherapy we had, how much radiation and how we are feeling today since we’ve hit the 10 year marks!  We also shared the sad side of being a part of support groups where our friends passed away and how gut-wrenchingly scary it is to hear of the death of a breast cancer survivor sister.  Nobody else can understand that sadness except another woman who has lost a friend to the same disease you share.  It is something that just stays with you.  I shared about my friend Jenn https://misifusa.wordpress.com/2012/10/23/spirits-and-music/  and it was a great relief to me to be understood ~ for BAngel to know and understand how I felt in losing Jenn…because she’d lost a friend as well.  I went on to explain that out of our original support group, Jenn was one of 3 women with whom I was close who passed away.  After losing Jenn though, I wasn’t able to return to the support group.  It was just too sad for me which was how I eventually became a R2R volunteer.

We talked for 2 hours on the phone, oblivious to all else except to getting to know each other, and by the end, it felt like we’d been friends for a long time.  In a word, we simply understood each other because we’d walked similar paths.  That part of the journey never gets old for me because I always feel like I learn something new with every survivor I speak with and I hope that they do as well.

I think there’s a lot we can teach each other if we would only be open to listening and learning.  I recently read a quote from someone which said we have 2 ears, but one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak…wouldn’t it be nice if we used them that way?

I love our blogging community because of the connections we continue to make ~ to me, it’s such a gift to connect with all of you.  I want to thank you for all of the lessons you’ve taught me, the inspiration you’ve given me and for the prayers and smiles you’ve blessed me with this year.

Thanks for being you!

Shine On!

xo

Survival

Lovin’ Pink

I’ve always liked the color pink and if truth be told, I’ve never been a tomboy…I’ve always been a bit of a girly girl.  I was the one who didn’t want to get muddy or dirty, who threw like a girl (really!) and who always has her toenails painted pink (except during the holidays).  However, for those of you who believe that PINK is a color that is for a wimpy girl, you are way wrong, baby!

Every breast cancer survivor will tell you that pink is NOT a wimpy color as it is a symbol of the survival of a journey of endurance which begins with a single step.  This journey never truly ends even when the breast cancer is considered cured.  Its tentacles, even 10 years later, slither through moments during the year when doctor appointments for check ups are necessary or when we wait a week for the blood test results.  Even normal yearly trips to the gynecologist can result in an unbidden heightened sense of alarm if a Pap result isn’t normal because, quite frankly, the normal that we previously relied on isn’t normal anymore.  In it’s place, comes a new normal that with time acclimates to our lives.

I was perusing blogs today and searched under breast cancer and what I found was alarming…so many women being diagnosed, being told their breast cancer had metastasized and even one who sadly told of her Mom’s recent passing from the disease.  My heart went out to every one of them and all I wished to do was to hug them, let them know I understood and that it gets better ~ so here’s my short list of wisdom for today.

• There are good days and bad days.
• When you think you’re going through hell, keep walking, even if it’s only baby steps, one tiny step at a time.
• Stumbling is normal as is late night insomnia with the dreaded “what if’s” relentlessly circling in your brain.
• Bald can be beautiful.  Let wig wearing be fun ~ try new styles & colors!
• People say dumb things.
• There are good and bad nurses/doctors who sometimes remember and sometimes forget that we are all human.
• Double mastectomy isn’t a death sentence to your femininity even when it feels that way.
• You will find what you are looking for so FACE THE SUN!  face-the-sun
• Your body, your decision.
• YOU are the Boss of Your Life so BE the Boss.
• If you don’t want something done to you, then don’t do it.
• Speak up when you don’t understand.
• This is Your Body so be in touch with it, talk with it, be kind to it…it’s fighting for Your Life!
• Now’s the time to blossom ~ You have the Power and you’ve always had it!
• If you were like me, you shy-ed away from your power, but in having breast cancer, I have refound my power which encourages me to blossom!

I want you to know that I am here for you, I’ve walked this journey.

  I’m still on the path enduring everyday along with the rest of humanity.

Life is what you make of it, so make it good for you!

Happy Sunday ~ or for you ice cream lovers ~ Happy Sundae!

xo