Tag Archive | dealing with sadness

Bent, But Not Broken

6248749_Lately, my Mom says, “Oh Lord, help me” a lot.  Every time she says it, I want to answer ~ “and help us too!”  Sometimes I even say it aloud or I tell her that we’d be millionaires if we received a dime for each time she said it lately!  Giggle Giggle.  That’s truly how much she says it.

I’ve heard all the quotes about ‘God doesn’t give you more than you can handle’ etc.  You know the ones that people offer when you’re dealing with way too much on your plate that’s sometimes not even yours to handle, but you are handling it?  I used to think it was a cop out quite honestly.  I mean really?  If I listed all that I’m dealing with right now you would think I was telling a story (lie), but I’m not.  It’s all quite honest and real and heavy stuff.  It seems like every day there is more piled on my plate and I’m not quite sure how I got so ‘lucky’ perhaps God thinks I’m made of cement because I’m sure growing stronger every day and not because I want to…but because I have no other choice.

I bend…but I won’t break.

As a cancer survivor, you learn all about having to take care of yourself.  There’s nobody else in the middle of the night who is listening to the thoughts that barrage our minds, hearts, souls and bodies.  You have to learn to make peace with all the chaos that you’re going through and when you think you’re going through hell, you’ve just got to keep taking baby steps.  And that’s where I am again ~ taking baby steps ~ through all the stuff that has fallen on my shoulders (and my Sissy’s).  Together we are bending and we each take turns in being the stronger one at that moment when the other person holds up her hand with the white flag and needs a break.  That’s the beauty of sisterly love and experiencing a bonding with your sister through traumatic family experiences.  You don’t even have to ask, you just know she needs a break and you take over for awhile until she’s rested and vice versa.  That’s just the way it is.

But as for bending until I break ~ well, that’s for another day I guess.  Right now I’m just hanging in there ~ hanging by a thread ~ holding onto that knot that I tied at the end of my rope.  I’m trying with all of my might to keep going through thick and thin and to not give up.  And I won’t.  But I’d like a bit of a rest please Lord.  Could you please just take over for awhile and take some of this heavy burden off my shoulders?  I’m a good person.  I can understand that there’s nobody else to help and we are willing to help, but golly, could you please not add more worry to my life everyday?  I need a good night’s sleep.  I keep handing off my worries to you, but the next day, I get more bad news.  I’m trying to stay calm, but I’m a work in progress.  I don’t want to give up, but I’m suffering here.  I’m feeling broken.

I bend, but I don’t break…at least not yet.

Shine On!

xo

 

The Trouble With Linear Thinking

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Linear thinking is defined as a process of thought following known cycles or step-by-step progression where a response to a step must be elicited before another step is taken.  It is a highly focused way of living whereby one continues to stick to their own path without turning around to evaluate spherically how their actions, inactions and words affect others.

I applaud those who are so focused, but I believe that it also stunts growth potential when we simply live linearly and do not stop to turn around and see the world around us even for a few moments.  Living in this way, allows us to move blithely through life with blinders on, unaware of what is going on around us.  It disconnects us from ourselves and others during our lifetime.  I imagine it is not an easy way to live (or perhaps it is), but I see it as a very solitary way of living.

I am a spherical thinker for the most part.  For me, my kindness and compassion radar is tuned in to those around me.  Even when angry, I can see the other point of view and many times, I find myself feeling compassionate towards the one who has evoked the anger within me.  I can ‘see’ how this person is hurting and feels out of control and in order to gain control, must retaliate in this fashion.  I can forgive because I look outside myself to view their grief and hurting.  It is my choice to do so and one which I choose many times even when I’d prefer to not see the entire picture and only view it from my side of the fence.

It is frustrating to have linear thinking folks in my life who border on narcissism.  It is most likely frustrating for them as well to have me there, intently trying to get them to turn around occasionally to see more of what life is offering, to connect with those who love them and to connect with themselves on a deeper level.  To feel again is a difficult task for those who have disconnected for whatever reason.  They strive to look away, to remain focused on the task ahead and to cement those blinders on so that they do not have to see what they are avoiding.  It becomes a stall tactic which holds them motionless while the world around them moves on without them.

For those of us who wish for communication outside the nothing box, it is an uphill climb to constantly reach out and try to penetrate the walls of their stoic thinking.  We can occasionally catch glimpses of the heart light inside of loved ones, but almost as quickly as the twinkle is revealed, the light is hidden again, the door is shut, locked tight and darkness remains.  It is in the darkness that the nothing box dwells and in there, the light of life is forbidden its sparkle.

Who holds the key to the door of life?  Why you do!  But many people are afraid of moving out of their comfort zones to feel what they hide, to experience more deeply the suffering which they keep safely hidden away from others.  Many times they hoard those dark feelings and experiences in fear.  It is hard to open up and to look at ourselves and others in a different light.  It may be easier to remain amidst the dark depression of the nothing box.  This way we don’t have to deal with the consequences of our own actions, inactions and words.  We can simply pretend to make it all about others and not ourselves.

Those of us who can see those heart lights shimmer even for a moment know that these folks are hurting and we can see the potentiality to flourish in them.  So we wait, trying to lure them out of their linear thinking, to turn them around even for a few moments so that they can see the healthy, healing love that life has to offer.  We can offer them unconditional love which they have always had, but it is up to them to accept it.  It is a choice that is theirs alone to make.

Take my hand.  I have known depression, but as a friend once told me, ‘when you think you are going through hell, keep going’ which is a rendition of a quote attributed to Winston Churchill.  So let’s keep going…together. ♥

 Shine On!

xo

Help to Slay the Dragon

80446443_Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.

~ Neil Galman

I confess, I believe in fairy tales.  As I shared yesterday, I have experienced the dragons in the darkness.  I have been singed by their fiery breath and I have knelt prostrate in grief in the tunnel of darkness.  I have felt the magnitude of mired thinking drag my soul to the depths of despair.  In the middle of the night, I have begged the darkness to swallow me whole.  But my soul always flickered at the last moment, holding onto shards of light’s vestiges with a tight grip until dawn.

And I am still here.

I can attest that the dragon of despair and darkness can be beaten.  He can be foiled into surrender.  His source can be blockaded and he retreats into the murky darkness.  But once he has been seen, he may lurk in the shadows from time to time, treading eerily, awaiting the opportunity to pounce.  It is our job to keep him at bay.  To dwell in the light of love, happiness, sunlit peaceful presence.  To cast out that blackness which lurks in the belly.  To destroy that eager dragon who longs to return to the castle in our mind.

Slay the dragon of darkness.  Reach for the sword of light to conquer that despair.  Hold your head up high, reach out and connect.  You are not alone.  You are freed from your ivory tower ~ it crumbles and is replaced by the round table of friendship.  Look up, see the shards of light which warm earth, sky, life.  Do not be frightened by the light.  Step into the sunshine.  Feel its reassuring warmth and love.  Be inspired by your senses.

You are loved.  You are worthy.  You shine.

Shine On!

xo

For today’s Daily Prompt, you know what I’m building, right?  It’s a dragon slayer ~ a widget which beats depression, gloom and evil.  It takes whatever darkness which envelopes your soul/heart/mind and turns it into rainbows, sunshine and life-giving hope.  It surrounds the world in a rainbow of love which emits peace, love and understanding.  It restores the light of humanity ~ lost happiness, lost peace within and slays the sadness, fear, darkness and evil in the world.  That’s my widget.  What do you think?

Daily Prompt: World’s Best Widget

You’ve been granted magical engineering skills, but you can only use them to build one gadget or machine. What do you build?

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/02/07/daily-prompt-machines/