Why Me God?

God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons we could not learn in any other way. ~ C.S. Lewis

Many of us who have endured tragedy, illness and trauma have asked the question, “Why me God?” and I am no exception.  I asked because I thought I didn’t deserve the breast cancer that riddled my body.  I raged because I believed the punishment of cancer was unfair.  I pitied myself.  I cried.  I was depressed.  I stomped around my house when no one was looking.  I was bald, in pain from surgeries and swollen by the amount of steroids and chemotherapy that were killing the cancer cells along with healthy cells.  I threw myself into a heap on the bed yowling in pain physically, emotionally and mentally.   I didn’t do this often, but when I did, it was like a child’s temper tantrum towards his parent (God).  My ultimate was when I gathered myself into a small ball and snuggled into the strong, protective arms of my husband like a child, sobbing into his tear-stained chest wishing he could just carry me for awhile and I could just melt inside of his chest.

But because I was a Mom of 2 little ones ages 1 and 3 years, I couldn’t do that often.  For the most part, I smiled, I faked how I felt.  I tried to make their lives as normal as possible while my tired body wept at night or in the shower.  Luckily for me, they were young so they didn’t really understand the magnitude of what I was enduring and what they were witnessing.  Now when they look back at the family photos when I was not wearing my wig, they don’t remember clearly when I was bald.  They are surprised a bit by what they see.  But as young children, bald or wigged, I was still Mom.

Still me.  That’s one of the important lessons I learned from enduring breast cancer.  No matter what has happened in my life, I am still me.  I”m still in there somewhere amidst the layers of pain.  My core of being that gal who sees life through rose-colored glasses, who sees the glass 1/2 full, who loves hugs, flowers and my beautiful life still shines brightly.

Sure, I’ve lost touch with that gal from time to time, but something always brings me back to her because that’s who I am.  Sure, I can say I’ve endured breast cancer.  I’ve endured many things in my life.  But at the heart of who I am, breast cancer just made my life richer.  It added layers of life changing events which made me dig deeply inside to find inner strength that without those low points in my life, I’d never have known I had ~ without being tested, I would have never had the opportunity to find my light, my inspiration, my blessings, my Presents of Presence.

So the next time you ask “Why me God?’ in a fervent voice, know that somewhere down the line in this journey of life, you will realize your answer ~ it’s because you can.

Shine On!

xo

My heartfelt thanks to one of my favorite bloggers from whom I took the quote above and made it my own.  Thank you Chalkboard Quotes ~ you inspired my post today!

http://chalkboardquotes.wordpress.com/2013/09/19/hardship/

Daily Prompt ~ Changes!

Change is beautifully inevitable

Daily Prompt: Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

You need to make a major change in your life. Do you make it all at once,

cold turkey style, or incrementally?

For me, changes have never been subtle in my life.  They’ve arrived cold turkey style and left me scrambling to start swimming in order to not drown under the tsunami of change.  Many of the changes took me a long time to come to terms with as some of them were life altering as many changes can be.  Take for instance being diagnosed with an illness such as cancer ~ or being told of the death of a loved one.  Those changes are life altering in and of themselves and they are changes which do not allow for a u-turn in the road of life.  You just have to keep swimming with the tide afterwards.

So I have turned to the cold turkey style of change as my comfort zone in life even though it may take me baby steps in time to allow for the adjustment that the change brings so in that case, I guess my answer is both incrementally and cold turkey!  The change itself, is cold turkey style, but the adjustment which occurs after it, is incremental.  Does that make sense?

For example, when I had my double mastectomy due to breast cancer, even though I was reconstructed in the OR so that I wouldn’t awaken without some type of mound on my chest, the change was most definitely cold turkey style.  There is nothing like falling asleep with my own soft breasts only to awaken with hard, unmoving and cold lumps called tissue expanders under the skin where previously there was warmth.  It took me a long time to be able to change my thoughts, my feelings about myself and find a new normal in accepting my new body, life and scars.  And I won’t say it is easy because it’s not, but I will say it is do-able and this gal who I am now, has a much richer life than before she was diagnosed in 2001.

Even when I was losing my hair due to the ACT chemotherapy that I was taking, I opted to cut off my own hair cold turkey and then incrementally go bald!  Once my hair began coming out in clumps in the shower which is an emotional roller coaster ride even though I knew it was going to happen, I decided to take control over my life and in turn, over the breast cancer that riddled my body.  With a bottle of champagne in one hand and my hair festooned with pink ribbon pony tails, my husband and I celebrated my taking control over my cancer.  Celebratory swigs bonded us as I carefully cut off the pony tails to my scalp, holding the clumps of hair by the pink ribbons.  I remember with the first cut that I couldn’t’ stop giggling because what woman in her right mind takes a pair of scissors to her head and chops off a clump of her hair?  I mean really?  But I did it and it was freeing!  Oh so freeing!

I took off about 10 pony tails (which I still have 2 of my original hair) and looked into the mirror.  All was fun and joyous until I realized that I had big clumps of missing hair on my head.  My gentle and sweet husband to whom I am still so grateful to be married, kissed and held me and then proceeded to cut my hair into a really short pixie style a la Mia Farrow.  (Thank goodness he wasn’t drinking as much champagne as I was that day!)

When he was finished, we looked into the bathroom mirror together and he held me ~ cradling me with his love ~ and he told me that ‘this too shall pass’ for which I believed him.

The next morning, my pillow looked as if a cat had slept on it as it was covered with my pixie short hairs which broke my heart.  So that night, my husband buzzed my head so that I wouldn’t have to awaken with the sadness of looking at my pillow and it was better for me.  Done ~ cold turkey ~ and I felt as though I could move on with my wig, my scarves and my hats.

I have walked through hell and have kept walking for which I am so grateful and I believe that’s why I write my blog ~ because I want to inspire and be inspired by all of you.  For you see, change is inevitable in our lives, so we have to keep evolving, keep flowing with our lives and keep taking baby steps forward.  We can change our course of direction at any time, but we can’t go backwards.  We can only stand still when we need to rest and then begin again.

What makes the changes easier is when we allow ourselves to connect with others on this lifetime journey.  Taking hold of a hand which is offered to you eases the transition of change.  It’s in those moments when we realize that we are all connected here and that change can be beautiful.  Keep smiling!

Shine On!

xo

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/02/04/daily-prompt-changes/

Survival

Lovin’ Pink

I’ve always liked the color pink and if truth be told, I’ve never been a tomboy…I’ve always been a bit of a girly girl.  I was the one who didn’t want to get muddy or dirty, who threw like a girl (really!) and who always has her toenails painted pink (except during the holidays).  However, for those of you who believe that PINK is a color that is for a wimpy girl, you are way wrong, baby!

Every breast cancer survivor will tell you that pink is NOT a wimpy color as it is a symbol of the survival of a journey of endurance which begins with a single step.  This journey never truly ends even when the breast cancer is considered cured.  Its tentacles, even 10 years later, slither through moments during the year when doctor appointments for check ups are necessary or when we wait a week for the blood test results.  Even normal yearly trips to the gynecologist can result in an unbidden heightened sense of alarm if a Pap result isn’t normal because, quite frankly, the normal that we previously relied on isn’t normal anymore.  In it’s place, comes a new normal that with time acclimates to our lives.

I was perusing blogs today and searched under breast cancer and what I found was alarming…so many women being diagnosed, being told their breast cancer had metastasized and even one who sadly told of her Mom’s recent passing from the disease.  My heart went out to every one of them and all I wished to do was to hug them, let them know I understood and that it gets better ~ so here’s my short list of wisdom for today.

• There are good days and bad days.
• When you think you’re going through hell, keep walking, even if it’s only baby steps, one tiny step at a time.
• Stumbling is normal as is late night insomnia with the dreaded “what if’s” relentlessly circling in your brain.
• Bald can be beautiful.  Let wig wearing be fun ~ try new styles & colors!
• People say dumb things.
• There are good and bad nurses/doctors who sometimes remember and sometimes forget that we are all human.
• Double mastectomy isn’t a death sentence to your femininity even when it feels that way.
• You will find what you are looking for so FACE THE SUN!  face-the-sun
• Your body, your decision.
• YOU are the Boss of Your Life so BE the Boss.
• If you don’t want something done to you, then don’t do it.
• Speak up when you don’t understand.
• This is Your Body so be in touch with it, talk with it, be kind to it…it’s fighting for Your Life!
• Now’s the time to blossom ~ You have the Power and you’ve always had it!
• If you were like me, you shy-ed away from your power, but in having breast cancer, I have refound my power which encourages me to blossom!

I want you to know that I am here for you, I’ve walked this journey.

  I’m still on the path enduring everyday along with the rest of humanity.

Life is what you make of it, so make it good for you!

Happy Sunday ~ or for you ice cream lovers ~ Happy Sundae!

xo

Beauty…

People are beautiful if you love them.

When I awoke this morning,  I realized that 10 years ago, just around this time, my hair started falling out due to the chemotherapy I was enduring.  I won’t lie and tell you it was ok with me, because I distinctly remember that it wasn’t at all.  One particular day, I started crying in the shower because as I was washing my hair, my hands were coming away littered with clumps of my hair detached from my head.  It was, simply put, overwhelming.  And if you’ve been there, you know what I’m talking about ~ just not fun at all to say the least.

It was a few days after this gut wrenching beginning of baldness that I decided to take control of the side effects before they completely did me in.  Being the ‘girly girl’ that I can be, I decided to cut off my hair with the help of my supportive, loving hubby and a good bottle of champagne!  I tied my hair into little pony tails adorned with pink ribbons (ok a little theatrical,but I didn’t care) and we popped open the bottle of bubbly.

Hidden in our bathroom as our boys were safely watching the famous purple dinosaur Barney, we began to cut my hair because I wanted to feel like I was in control (even if were only technically that I was cutting it before it fell out)!  As I snipped off the first pink ponytail, leaving what seemed to me a giant sized hole in my pageboy, I handed it to my hubby reverently.  And I cried and I laughed because I couldn’t believe I had just cut off my own hair!    I won’t say that I was strong and did it without tears because life is about truth and my truth was that it was a hard thing to do, but it had to be done and I did it…and I am glad that I did it because I needed that reminder later on.

Perhaps because of the bubbly, or because it’s been a chemo-induced 10 years of time since then, I am a bit fuzzy as to whether I charged ahead and took off the rest of the ponytails, or if my hubby did.  However, one thing is certain, by the end of our hair-cutting session, I looked like Mia Farrow in Rosemary’s Baby.   My normally brown pageboy with bangs, was now a close to the head, cropped version of Mia’s hairdo.  Lucky for me, my hubby was willing and able to stand by me while we took this stage of our journey together.

Shaving my head with the flowbee (or whatever that thing is called) was simply not a viable option for me.  I was not able to fathom going that far.  So we finished all the bubbly we could and together we emerged to see the boys and their reactions.

And there was none.  Simply put, hair or no hair, I was still Mommy…and they didn’t even notice ~ even when I showed them and asked if they liked my new ‘do…they were completely blase about the whole thing which I found so crazy because here I’d cut off my hair and my hubby had done the finishing touches to it so it didn’t look too awful and the boys were non-plussed.

What an amazing lesson for me ~ you see, I was still Mommy ~ still ME ~ and it took their non-reaction to make me see that ~ no matter what changes are made to my outer shell ~ I am still me ~ and so I send on this tidbit to you.  No matter what outer changes you are dealing with, deep inside you are still you.

Connect to that ‘me’ place today and know that I am applauding your Beauty!

xo

P.S.  And yes, I still have the first pink-ribboned ponytail hidden away in my jewelry box.

Come On ~ Let’s Keep Walking!

“When you think you’re going through hell, keep walking!”

SendOutCards talks a lot about promptings so I am following mine.  The thought of posting a picture of me during chemotherapy flashed through my head yesterday, but I was going to ignore it.  Then a friend sent an email with the above quote and when I forwarded it to my friend BAngel, her first reaction was that it was a perfect message for a blog…and she didn’t know that it was one of the quotes a childhood friend who became an oncology nurse gave me during chemotherapy…do you see the links?

Bald pic mention yesterday ~ prompting to post a pic ~ email quote ~ friend’s reaction ~ my knowing that it was my quote ~

It’s come to my attention these days that these LINKS as I”m calling them are swarming me with frequency ~ so I am going with it.

Does that ever happen to you?  You suddenly get into that vibration, that frequency, that connection where you can connect others and yourself?  There are many names that this phenomenal Law of Attraction goes by and once you have the experience, at least for me, I want to manifest it again and again.

It’s like the gratitude that I’ve posted on Thursdays ~ the more thankful you are, the more you have to be thankful for ~ it simply grows.

For those of you walking through cancer now and for all of us who are on this Journey of Life….take heart.  All of us have our stories, our trials and tribulations…we all go through them.

The key is to keep on track, taking even baby steps to KEEP WALKING…because eventually you do walk out of hell.

And what you gain from it, is simply indescribable.

So take my hand and we can walk together.

One baby step at a time.

A journey is always better when shared.

xo

P.S. The little one I’m holding isn’t my son, but he’s adorable, isn’t he?