Lately, my Mom says, “Oh Lord, help me” a lot. Every time she says it, I want to answer ~ “and help us too!” Sometimes I even say it aloud or I tell her that we’d be millionaires if we received a dime for each time she said it lately! Giggle Giggle. That’s truly how much she says it.
I’ve heard all the quotes about ‘God doesn’t give you more than you can handle’ etc. You know the ones that people offer when you’re dealing with way too much on your plate that’s sometimes not even yours to handle, but you are handling it? I used to think it was a cop out quite honestly. I mean really? If I listed all that I’m dealing with right now you would think I was telling a story (lie), but I’m not. It’s all quite honest and real and heavy stuff. It seems like every day there is more piled on my plate and I’m not quite sure how I got so ‘lucky’ perhaps God thinks I’m made of cement because I’m sure growing stronger every day and not because I want to…but because I have no other choice.
I bend…but I won’t break.
As a cancer survivor, you learn all about having to take care of yourself. There’s nobody else in the middle of the night who is listening to the thoughts that barrage our minds, hearts, souls and bodies. You have to learn to make peace with all the chaos that you’re going through and when you think you’re going through hell, you’ve just got to keep taking baby steps. And that’s where I am again ~ taking baby steps ~ through all the stuff that has fallen on my shoulders (and my Sissy’s). Together we are bending and we each take turns in being the stronger one at that moment when the other person holds up her hand with the white flag and needs a break. That’s the beauty of sisterly love and experiencing a bonding with your sister through traumatic family experiences. You don’t even have to ask, you just know she needs a break and you take over for awhile until she’s rested and vice versa. That’s just the way it is.
But as for bending until I break ~ well, that’s for another day I guess. Right now I’m just hanging in there ~ hanging by a thread ~ holding onto that knot that I tied at the end of my rope. I’m trying with all of my might to keep going through thick and thin and to not give up. And I won’t. But I’d like a bit of a rest please Lord. Could you please just take over for awhile and take some of this heavy burden off my shoulders? I’m a good person. I can understand that there’s nobody else to help and we are willing to help, but golly, could you please not add more worry to my life everyday? I need a good night’s sleep. I keep handing off my worries to you, but the next day, I get more bad news. I’m trying to stay calm, but I’m a work in progress. I don’t want to give up, but I’m suffering here. I’m feeling broken.
I bend, but I don’t break…at least not yet.