Being Strong Is Hard

stronglikeabull

*Warning, reader discretion is advised.

My heart is breaking.  I just want to sob and be held by someone who cares.  I want to cry freely without worry and be comforted by someone who doesn’t need for me to be strong for them.  It can’t be fixed what I’m enduring.  I don’t want you to fix it.  I just want to be protected for a few minutes, be held and loved for who I am and to be comforted and not have to comfort someone else for awhile.  Is it too much to ask?

Tears fall, unbidden so much these days.  I’m not a really pretty crier either which doesn’t help.  I’m the gal who gets a red nose and blubbery.  You know that type that doesn’t cry often, but when she does, it comes from the depths of her solar plexus in big heaps of sadness?  That’s me.

Although I’ve been known to get quietly teary on occasion at a movie, at a tender moment, when the beauty of life hits me in a certain way or when I look at my once vibrant Mama and know that there’s a little vacancy now behind the eyes that she’s trying desperately to hide and I’m trying so hard to not see.

Life’s just not easy these days.  I miss so much that’s not mine.  I need a friend to lean on and I’m really alone.  It’s hard to take on all of this by myself even though I have help.  It’s frustrating, heart-breaking and I feel like I’m in solitary confinement with the weight of the world on me.  I’m just so darn sad and alone.

I hate this.  I hate feeling so alone.  I dislike feeling like I need someone to hold me because I know there’s nobody.  On one hand, I know I’ve got it.  I can do this.  I’ve had to deal with more than this instance.  On the other, I’m tired of cleaning up everyone else’s messes and I’m frustrated with their ability to just hand over everything to me as if I will always pick up the pieces to make it right for everyone else.

Sure, I can find peace within myself and peace within the stillness.  But I want to be coddled for a few minutes.  Rock me Mama in that rocking chair.  Make it all go away for a few minutes please.  I wish you could do that again for me, be my Mama…and let me be a little girl if only for a few minutes…it would be so nice…take away the boo boo, kiss me, snuggle me and remind me that you are powerful and that I am protected.  Pretty please?

Shine On!

xo

 

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44 thoughts on “Being Strong Is Hard

  1. May you soon find comfort in strong, gentle, loving arms, and in the meantime may your sorrow be diminished by the love, prayers, good wishes, and support of your blogging friends and family.

  2. Oh God I have been there and the pain is too much at times. Dealt with both Dementia and Cancer and the 29th of May marks the 10th anniversary of Mom’s passing. How I still wish she could be there to say it will all come out in the wash and it will get better. A gentle smile and a loving touch so small yet how much I would not give to have someone say it is OK. Ah how I feel your pain.
    Thank you for sharing this with everyone because we are not alone in the despair of our lives. Tears streamed down my face as I read your words and they touched my soul. Sometimes the only thing we can do is to cry dry our tears and start again.

    • Dearest Laurie, I’m so sorry for your loss and I know how it still hurts years later. Know that I am sending you a big hug. We are not alone in the despair when we reach out for there are others who care and who understand. Thank you for your kind comment and for connecting with me. Big healing hugs to you dear friend. ♥

  3. Oh Yvonne. I feel your suffering.
    At the end of the day when we are alone, we come to see that there is only one person who can hold us dearly and give comfort. When mother is no longer available, we find that we are the one who can hold our vulnerable inner child gently and give her love. Hold that dear one close as if she was a child of yours. Give her comfort. Let the tears flow and all the draining energy along with it.
    When we do this we also connect with a higher source of love to give us strength.
    Sending a virtual hug wrapped in a blanket of lightness, light and love. xo

  4. Feeling alone is hard. I found a lot of support with my health challenges through support groups, new friends I have found online, and therapy. Sometimes we need to reach out a little more to find the support we need. You are not alone so don’t try to go it by yourself.

  5. This made me feel such compassion for you. I truly wish we lived closer…you’d have a huge, loving hug from me anytime you’d need one! Here’s my mental one sent ESP….((((Yvonne))))!

  6. Reach inside to find the source of that beautiful light you always shine on others dear Yvonne…it’s the power and the glory that is God and the love that we all feel for you. If any of us could do the one thing you ask, you know we would. But He always will. I weep with you sweetheart, and hold you close in my heart…xoxo

  7. You are never alone. God is waiting for you to turn things over to Him and will comfort you when you seek Him. I wish life down here wasn’t so hard. . .but you are a strong lady and I know you will get through this time in your life as you have other times. It just doesn’t seem like it on this day. We all need to feel loved. Although you may not feel it at the moment, you are loved by many. Try to think of all the things you are blessed with – including another day to make a difference, which you have already done by opening up your heart to others. Keep the faith.

  8. Since I am in a similar situation with my mother I SO feel your pain. “I believe this is one of the hardest things I have had to do so far. Watching the light go out of my mothers eyes wipes me out. Lately, all I have to do is start talking about her and I dissolve into tears.
    I recently wrote a blog called “Cry Me A River” which was about my sadness and grief over taking care of my mother who has dementia. I received this response which spoke so deeply to my heart. I’m sharing it with you in hopes it will bring you a bit of solace also.
    “I see dementia as a long, drawn-out “good bye” intended to make the final departure a relief for all who love the one leaving. It’s an odd choice for some, but for those who love deeply, it makes more sense.” Hugs to you. ((((( ❤ ))))

    • Big hugs to you Brenda…thanks for sharing. I’m on my way to your blog. I’ve been quite remiss in reading blogs lately as I’ve been so busy and just overwhelmed. Thanks for reaching out. I’m here for you too…big hugs to you! ♥

  9. Such a hard time you are having, be good to yourself and take some time out. I have been told to rest by my Doctor and for once in my life i am going to do it. I am learning to say no, its hard but necessary for me. I hope you get some comfort and peace soon Yvonne you deserve a good day, week, month and year.

  10. Yvonne,
    Life truly is a taskmaster. It gives much, but requires much. And when our responsibities seem more than we can bear, we must find respite in temporary retreat. But where we seek that retreat will determine whether our renewal will help us stay the course and see our duty to its end, or not. And it is found in the most unlikely place. In the shadow of the cross. Why go to suffering to relieve suffering? For perspective.

    As Jesus said: “Who’s suffering is like my suffering?” For He suffers not His own, but ours. We are healed and refreshed because no one knows our trials better than He who helps shoulder our cross. And no greater love have we known than that of He who gave His life for us.

    Hang in there, Yvonne.
    -Alan

  11. Yvonne, i know you feel like you’re alone, but you aren’t. I so can empathize with you right now. I went through everything you are going through with my own mother, and it stinks, there are no two ways about it. Please hold on and know there will be brighter days ahead, so in the meantime be good to yourself and know that you need to let go and take each day as it comes. Hugs, my friend.
    Jennifer ❤

  12. This situation is difficult .Even when the burdens seem overwheming, I hope you know you have support and love around you always.. My thoughts are with you Yvonne..

  13. My dear beautiful feiend…I’m so sorry I only saw this just now 😦 I send you so much love and the biggest hug. I wish I could rock you in my arms and tell you it will all be okay. It will be ok…it will be different…life always changes. You are one of the strongest women I have ever met…and you know what? Sometimes it’s okay to cry …to blubber…and to want to be a child…protected. I will pray for your heart to feel peace. ♡♡♡

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