Hold Onto the Rainbow

holdontotherainbowHold Onto the Rainbow

Being a caregiver for loved ones with Alzheimer’s and Dementia, it’s a daily struggle for them and for us as caregivers.  Some days are harder than others.  Some moments are stormy and then when the sun breaks through with a glorious rainbow, we are rewarded with a real time reality moment of lucidity with a loved one ~ whether it be a shared trip down memory lane or a moment of recognition, a shared laugh, even a hug with the knowledge that we both know who we are.  For me, it’s the rainbow throughout the storms that their minds are enduring.

I feel compassion as I take time to observe how they live in the world of their minds.  It’s frightening when your mind doesn’t work as it used to and it’s beleaguering the point when I say it over and over that I can’t imagine how hard it must be.  We go with the flow here.  Allowing whatever comes to her mind to flow and I try to ride the wave even when the tsunami hits us.  Dogged determination takes over common sense and many times it’s wasted breath to explain.  Changing the channel, getting up to do something else or pausing to change the focus does help sometimes, but at others, it changes nothing and she perseverates all the harder on the thought at hand.

What I live for are the stolen moments of rainbows through the storm:  the laughter which releases anxiety, the connection when I’ve surprised her with a visit from an old friend of hers, the banter which we share when we travel down memory lane.

The storms pass, but get longer as the days do.  Riding this roller coaster of brain firings and misfirings is hard for us both as we travel down the end of the journey.  She longs to crawl back into my womb at times and it saddens me.  She is not my child by birth, yet she’s now my child.  If I were able to carry her, protect her and keep her with me safe and secure, I would try, but it’s not an option.  To release her as she wishes at times would be beneficial I believe, even though it saddens me a great deal.

I long for the carefree days of youth and vitality which are no longer.  I long to be held and protected myself, but I only have my own arms to do that for me.  So I take moments of peace whenever I can, to hold and to hug myself so that I can continue to have strength to do it for her as well.

It’s hard to watch a loved one’s mind deteriorate while they sometimes understand what is happening to them.  All I can do is be there for her which I am doing, heart, mind, soul and physically, seeing to her needs and allowing my own a back seat while we carry onwards to a destination which makes no sense to either of us.

Thanks for reading my blog today.  I just needed to write, to mourn, to have a quiet moment to center myself again so that when she awakens, I can be fresh as a daisy, upbeat and filled with loving kindness and empathy in order to find the rainbows whenever I can through the storms.

Shine On!

xo

 

 

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20 thoughts on “Hold Onto the Rainbow

  1. I weep tears of empathy for you my friend. I’m happy you chose to put this down today, to let some of it slide off your shoulders, if only for a moment. My heart and thoughts are with you. xoxo

  2. Sending you loving thoughts in your challenging journey. May you remember the moments of kindness, tenderness and laughter. Those are the times I now remember years after my mother’s final breaths.

  3. Being a caregiver is an angel’s job, and that is exactly what you are doing. It is a long, hard road of tears and constant vigilance and patience and weariness. You need to have a little time to yourself, to let someone else help bear the burden for a few hours. I send you prayers for strength and solace.

  4. One of these days, we will have to meet up for a hug-fest. Until, this with have to do.
    {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ I ❤ U }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

  5. My next door neighbor wandered into my living room while we were out back. My son found her and got her home…again. Her son has to work and as the weather gets better, she wanders more asking the same questions over and over. Lonely inside her mind where she is trapped. Her son has never spoken to us but we try to keep an eye on her. It is my greatest fear, to lose my mental capacity. I can only hope that if it happens, my children will handle it with the same grace you are. Releasing it here is a good plan. We benefit and so do you. I’m sending all the extra strength I can muster for you. Hugs. M

    • Thank you so much…as my Mom says, “You are getting stars in your crown” for helping your neighbor with loving respectful kindness. Keep your mind active is a good way to help fend off that fear. Learning new things, staying as physically active as you can and connecting with others helps a lot from what I’ve researched. Also, having a plan in place should you need help down the road makes a big difference as well. Just a few thoughts…thanks for your kindness and loving heart. ♥

  6. I missed you! I send my silent prayers often and have been in my own little space lately.. Reading this, I have to say I felt a certain tenderness in this space where there are no rainbows.. like there is treasure here too.. even though it is so painful. This tenderness.. I know this tenderness. It’s standing where there are not rainbows.. only your own light of your heart. Something is very beautiful about that. I felt it and wanted to say. Something pulled me over here today. Very much love here…

    ❤ Laurie

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