Although you are far away Dad

72233528_Although you are far away on Father’s Day you’re still here

in my heart in the very warmest way.

I miss my Dad.  My heart and eyes well up with tearful emotion today.  I can’t seem to help it nor control it since yesterday.  And others around me who have not lost their fathers, don’t understand.  I know I didn’t understand until he passed away.  It’s one of those that you don’t seem to really ‘get it’ until you’ve experienced it yourself.  There’s no amount of people telling you how hard or different it is to lose a parent that explains it as well as enduring it on your own.  And then, when it happens, you understand.

Dad and I didn’t always get along and we didn’t understand each other ~ or maybe I should say we understood each other too well, so that’s why we didn’t get along. 🙂   One of my Mom and Sissy’s favorite jabs is to say I am like my Dad.  And truth be told, I am, in many ways.  This is the 2nd Father’s Day without him and I can now say that with a lopsided smile so I guess I am healing.

My Dad was unusual.  He was adored by many and during his time on Earth, he helped many people who were hurting.  Since his passing I have heard stories of how ‘just by being him,’ he helped people get back on their feet who had fallen down, as well as being there for many people’s deaths when there was nobody around.  His powerful life force and connection to others still lingers in those who remain here on Earth.  He was quirky and downright bossy to all.  He did things his way or you could head to the highway.  He was uber-organized, had the most amazing memory for time, dates, people and delighted in telling you the entire ancestry of whomever he was talking about because he knew them so well.  He was an old-time businessman who had clients for generations on end and could help with family matters because he knew the intricate relationships between family members and how to help accomplish what was needed.  One client in particular had nobody left, having outlived her entire family.  He called her every single morning to talk with her until she passed and then quietly made sure that she was buried properly with people in attendance so that she wouldn’t be alone.

On the flip side, he had a mean streak too, cursing up a storm and demanding that things been done the way he wanted them to be done.  On the whole, I guess I’d admit, he was human.  I harshly judged his foibles when I was hurting.  I couldn’t see past the ‘sins’ that so plainly sat in my view.  Childhood memories to present knowledge yawned before me, an ugly litany of what he did, what he said and how we was.  This went on for a long time during his lifetime and after his death.  What I didn’t realize was how much I was hurting and as always, I’d stayed quiet, never daring to reveal how I felt and what I knew.  Instead, I simmered my anger, spewing my sadness once it was too late to speak with him.

Time passed.  Tears flowed.  I tired of feeling so badly, but couldn’t find the way to forgive.  And then I found a wondrous book which changed by life.  It’s a child’s book which I repeatedly read slowly and then it finally dawned on me how I was able to begin the healing process by forgiveness.  The Little Soul and the Sun by Neale Donald Walsch changed me by beginning the healing process in my life.  After I read it, I could see that many times what I ‘saw plainly through my eyes’ as him belittling me, hurting me intentionally etc, was nothing more than his teaching me to be strong and to be blessed.  There were so many a-ha moments after I took the book’s story to heart that they are too numerous to mention, but just as powerful and life-changing to me.

Dad taught me about forgiveness and how to accept others the way we want to be accepted.  He taught me about love, about the power of prayer and emphasized keeping in touch with others.  He showed me the gift of reaching out hand and heart to people in a healing connection.  By example, my Dad left a legacy not of financial solvency, but of unknown numbers of hearts which he touched, he helped and with whom he connected.

So today Dad, no matter how far away you are, you are finally here in my heart, in the warmest way.  I salute you.  I honor your memory and I am grateful that you were mine.

Shine On!

xo

 

 

 

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38 thoughts on “Although you are far away Dad

  1. Having taken that journey myself I understand and when you can sit and be centered feeling the love, understanding the wonderful lesson of forgiveness and accepting the man for who he is – glorious. I find the most complicated relationships the best teachers we can have while on this remarkable earthly journey.

  2. I can just talk for myself, but I think many times we only see our parents as only mummy and daddy, not as human beings, if you know what I mean, we expect so much of them and they expect so much of us. There is a feeling of…what kind I say…ownership…..like we are attched to each other. We only want the other to be happy, and we think we know how to make them happy, but we can not always see all that is in each other. I mean, there might be sides of our personality that we are hiding, or not showing clearly. And then with all that Love playing its part, the strongest of human Love parent-child, the most complicated. We feel a part of each other, yet we are separate. I don’t know if you know what I mean….like we think we know what will make the other happy because we think we know that person, but we really don’t. Not completely. I am about to delete this comment now, but I think I will let it be. It is rather cryptic. I don’t want to become too private, I need to protect some people. But maybe you can get something out of this. Anyways, I am so so so happy that you have a beautiful relation with your dad now, and that all is forgiven. and that you are able to see him for what he was, for the kind of man he was, not only for what he was to you. That you can treasure what he gave you, what he left behind for you, that you can treasure his Love, and understand how much you meant to him, and how much he loved you. That is the greatest gift of all. I believe that now, he can see all parts of you, even those he did not see when he was here with you, and that he loves you forever unconditionally. That is what I feel about the family members I have lost, that now they finally see me, for all that I am, and that they love me even more. For now, thier love is truly unconditional , without any expectations, or owership. Lots and lots of Love to you dearest Yvonne! 🙂 I wish I could jump through my laptop and give you a big hug!! ❤ Even I need a hug today! You truly are beautiful Yvonne! 🙂 I hope I have not said something wrong in this very cryptic comment! 🙂 I am sending you all my Love and I hope you will have a lovely day remembering all the beautiful things about your daddy! 🙂 Lots of Love to you dearest soulsister! 🙂

    • Dearest Line, your words are a beacon to my heart and are taken with gratitude. I send you sweet Line a healing hug as always filled with gratitude for our connection and much love as well. Unconditional love from loved ones who have passed is much appreciated as is unconditional love from all we meet. I am grateful for our connection and I am happy you did not delete. xoxo

  3. As a kid who has gotten plenty of snarky “Yes, John” responses over the years, I SO understand that part of the relationship… the “too much” alike. When I tried to think of something upliftng to share… I came up with an image, rather than words, so I’m going to try to “paint” it quick.

    You’re standing on the beach, receiving guests. Everyone is handing you helium balloons as they arrive. Some are the flashy mylar heart-shaped ones. Some are simple latex balloons. Others are the fancy clear ones, with little hearts dancing inside them. As more and more people arrive, you continued to hold ALL the balloon… and your feet start to leave the beach, much like the house in UP.

    Hopefully that image has given you a smile, and puts a small stitch in the hole in your heart. xoxo

    .

    • Oh yes, your comment has soothed my soul as you often do with your clear understanding ML. I loved the photo of the balloons and the flowers, well, my heart filled with healing and presence by your kindness and generosity. Big hugs to you….many, many thanks xoxo

  4. Your story brings to mind what my mom told me about her relationship with her father as she was growing up. He was very strict with his daughters. I suppose in those days, tighter reigns were kept on the girls, than the boys. In his mind he was protecting them, but of course my mom didn’t see it that way. So often they didn’t speak much.

    However, when she received her license to drive, which was a great hurdle concerning my grandfather, she said she began to truly know him. In driving him to work, gave them time to talk; and through that communication came understanding. From that point on they were comfortable and open.

    Thank you for your story, Yvonne. I’m happy you are in a good place and reconciled with your dad in your heart.

    When my mom and dad left this world, I felt less of a loss and more a closeness, because the love that transends any worldly conflicts, is what binds us to one another.

    I find comfort in times of trials, (especially when the effects of post polio that I must live with crank up), in knowing that whatever my challenges and sufferings may be, they are endurable. For they have been born on a cross before me, by a love that I can not imagine in this world, but can only hope to be in its presence one day.

    Thank you for your kind thoughts expressed regarding my Father’s Day tribute.

    -Alan

    • Alan you write so beautifully and I appreciate your sharing about your family as well. May your polio heal and not cause you pain and may you continue to inspire optimism wherever you go by your faith, your willingness to connect with others and your shining sunny self! ♥

  5. Thanks for sharing these thoughts about your Dad, M – there are so many who will identify and share in what you wrote, whether our memories are of a father, a mother or even a grandparent who did the best they could and did many things right despite hurtful mistakes. In our family it is my Dad to whom all the kids feel closest, and we are so grateful to still have him with us, but at the same time we know it cannot be forever and we all live in fear of the sort of sorrow that, as you say, we cannot understand truly right now. I am so happy you are being healed from your grief.

  6. This is a lovely and honest tribute. I lost my dad as a child, 40 years ago now, and wish I’d had the chance to know him better. But I cherish stories about him and love when others help paint a picture for me. Father’s Day is tough no matter how long he’s been gone…don’t ever let anyone tell you you’re grieving too long or to get over it. I’m still grieving…

  7. What a beautiful tribute. I loved reading it and hearing all the nuances of his personality and the details you added about processing your relationship.

    Love and care to you…your writing is so moving. ❤️

  8. Gosh, can I ever relate to this! My dad was wonderful and fully human all at once–and then some! Goodness, this is a lovely tribute to your father, my friend.

    Hope you are doing well. Sorry to have been gone for so long. We were without internet for two weeks and then I traveled to the US for nearly another two. So glad to be home!

    Hugs from Ecuador,
    Kathy

    • I am happy you had opportunities to revisit the US and I hope the internet troubles are healed. I know from reading about your Dad as well that they have some similarities, but as daughters we love them and accept the humanness just the same. xo

  9. “He was adored by many and during his time on earth, he helped many people who were hurting.” Just based on reading your blog, I know you are definitely like your dad in this way! Hugs and prayers. Keep shining.

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