What About You?

28613_It’s coming up on the 2nd anniversary of my Dad’s passing.  The rainy weather, my Mom’s sadness and my increasing melancholy mood isn’t helping the situation.  But then, a blogger friend reached out and a flood of emotion filled her comment page.  I had to stop myself and apologize.  It was as if the floodgates of someone asking, “what about you?” helped me to breathe in and out the emotion that has been ebbing under the surface these last few weeks.  Her simple question and knowing that she had lost her Mom around the same time, gave me the strength of bonding and of opening up to how I feel these days.  And it’s not that great.  I’m sad and I just don’t know why.

Father’s Day is almost here as well which adds its own twist for we had a hard time communicating.  Many times, Dad and I were at odds.  But as the second anniversary looms much of the anger and resentment which bombarded me has dwindled.  In its place remains a quiet understanding, an acceptance, a reluctance to judge a life that I had previously judged.  What remains is a bereft sadness for words left unsaid which I now say in my heart, a gift of forgiveness from me and a request for forgiveness for myself.  I am tired of carrying this burden.  I now try to allow it to rest.

It’s hard to explain how I feel for I think you needed to know the man in order to understand the complexity.  But then, we are all complex and surely there are others who feel similarly in their grief.  To you, I extend my hand and heart, saying the ever understanding words…

What about you?

Shine On!

xo

My heartfelt thanks to LoriLara ~ please stop by to visit her here.

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34 thoughts on “What About You?

  1. I am sending you lots and lots of Love and hugs Yvonne! 🙂 I of course I do not know how it was with your father and you, but I think many times when the relation is so close there is just so much emotion involved, that it makes it very difficult to take a step back and see someone’s behavior and one’s own behavior with, what can I say, neutral (?) eyes. Sometimes I think, if the person hurting us is not capable of understanding his or her own behavior, then they are not capable of stoppinng their bad behavior. For me personally, I have now understood that many of the things that has hurt me in the past was not meant to hurt me, it was said in frustration because I would not do what that person thought woud make me happy. I mean, this is just about me, not about you. But sometimes, I have had to step out, I mean mentally step out, of a close relation, and see that person as just a human being with all their flaws and short-comings, in order to understand and look beyond hurtful words. This is just me personally Yvonne, and of course this has nothing to do with you and your relationships. I just felt like sharing 🙂 I would say, let yourself be little sad Yvonne, sadness, I think, is not darkness. I am sure your heart will lift you back up into happiness when you are ready 🙂
    Big hugs to you! 🙂

  2. Thank you very much for this post. As my friend for 60 years commented on my LOVE ‘N STUFF blog post yesterday, my father was “The Real Deal.” Funny, wise, and smart, he still guides me daily from the Early Bird Specials in heaven.
    Hope you have a chance to read what I wrote about him and also about 4 other FAVORITE FATHERS last week.
    link: http://www.nancykelton.com

    Best,
    Nancy

  3. “Each one of us here today will at one time in our lives look upon a loved one who is in need and ask the same question. We are willing to help Lord but what if anything is needed? For it is true, we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don’t know what part of ourselves to give, or more often than not, the part that we have to give is not wanted. And so it is those we live with, and should know, that elude us. But we can still love them. We can love completey…without complete understanding.” — A River Runs through It

  4. Oh, this post. My goodness. So blessed by you. Thank you for sharing your deep, vulnerable, and beautiful heart with me every time we connect, and especially in that comment exchange.

    I relate to every single word – “But as the second anniversary looms much of the anger and resentment which bombarded me has dwindled. In its place remains a quiet understanding, an acceptance, a reluctance to judge a life that I had previously judged. What remains is a bereft sadness for words left unsaid which I now say in my heart, a gift of forgiveness from me and a request for forgiveness for myself.”

    As the anniversary of your Dad’s death approaches, know that you’re not alone in it. So many of us who’ve lost our parents can relate to the pain and challenges of grief. By sharing yours so openly, you allow all of us to share ours.

    P.S. I’ll always want to know the answer to “What about you?”
    Love and big hugs to you.

    • Oh my, your response catches my heart in my throat with all the gratitude for your initial asking of ‘what about you?’ for which I am ever grateful ~ and I promise I’ll always want to know the answer from you as well. Together, we can navigate the sometimes tricky waters of grief, helping each other and others paddle towards peaceful understanding and surrender. Knowing I am not alone is such a blessing even though we’ve never met. Thank you for being you and for being with me, allowing me to open up to the grief which I kept so locked up in that box. ♥♥♥ Much love and heartfelt hugs to you!

      • “Paddle towards peaceful understanding and surrender.” Ok, seriously, you’re such a graceful and masterful wordsmith. I could feel the calm water beneath me as I read that line…what a gift. So thankful you’ve chosen the path of sharing it with me.❤️

        XOXO

  5. Very touching post Yvonne. You know, my parents died in 1992 both because of a cancer, my mother in february, and my father in may. I was only 24 years old. It was a very difficult year for me. But one sure is sure, we are not alone, we are never alone. And from they were, my parents helped me and assured (of course with the help of angels and probably More) the necessary connections to “save” me and to allow me to succeed in Life. So, for me, each day of the year it’s Father’s day and each day of the year it’s Mother’s day.
    I’ve written two poems for each of them, and I feel very clearly they are alive in me and elsewhere two, in a place named Heaven. If interested my dear Yvonne read these poems, you’ll see we are not separated from our parents, NEVER.
    For my father:
    http://poemsandpoemes.wordpress.com/2014/04/25/fathers/
    For my mother:
    http://poemsandpoemes.wordpress.com/2014/04/22/heather-in-winter/
    ———
    Of course we feel melancoly, as you and your mother do. But you have to pay attention to very apparently unsignificant details. They are signs. For the one we have loved and who still love us, from the other side, send to us signs. A colleague of mine has told me a wonderful story. Her father died two years ago. Like you, she loved her father. She had to go to Cape Verde for the burial ceremony. It was very hard. She was with her son. After that, they went another time to the cemetery and “talked” to their father. Then there was a super butterflies, it flew around them, as it was telling “see now what I am”, then the butterfly went with them to the exit of the cemetery, as it was explaining “now you can go, I’m freed, I will ever be with you”. I was so touched by this story, as a believer of course, I was no surprised. And it makes me think of my parents, and let me say to you that I am weeping while writing this message to you, because I feel my parents besides me. So my dear Yvonne, never forget that your father is WITH you, BESIDES you, and that he LOVES you.
    Much love to you, sorry for the mistakes, when I moved I make even more.
    Take care
    Frédéric

    • Frederic, My sadness for your loss is equal to my gratitude for your parents continued loving presence in your life and your willingness to share with me. What a blessing this blogging world continues to be for so many of us as we heartfully connect with others through kindness and understanding ~ reaching out beyond our homes and lives in a peaceful way in order to shine more love on our world as a whole. You bring your sun soul to us through your poetry for which I am ever grateful that we’ve connected. May the tears we’ve shed be healing to us both. Much love xo

  6. I’m glad to see that you are moving in the direction of grace, acceptance, and forgiveness, and lightening the heavy emotional load you’ve carried for so long, my friend. May you achieve lasting joy and peace.
    Russ

  7. You’ve reached into my heart with your sadness and the tears are flowing, but your new level of acceptance and forgiveness- for you and him – show your great wisdom, too. I realize now, after my own Dad’s passing 26 years ago, that I am still remembering him on Father’s Day every year, but always in a new way – every single year. I know we are communicating from his divine essence now, so all forgiveness has processed though this transitioned form. I pray you are able to ease your feelings of loss though this eternal portal of love as well. My love to you and my appreciation for helping us all connect with our deepest feelings. XOXO

    • Oh Bobbi, you are so kind my dear friend. So sorry to hear that tears flowed but I know that sometimes those tear ducts need to be cleaned out ♥ How wonderful that you are communicating with him so easily and lovingly. You are such an angelic soul.

  8. I’m going to try to make this clear enough for you to understand what I mean…and I really hope I can because I know exactly that guilt ridden conflict you are speaking of.

    One piece of advice, actually one “word” of advice, given to me by someone who mirrored the complex familial relationships and grief therein, I’ve dealt with in my life, may help with the forgiveness, acceptance, and letting it rest, aspects of this time for you Yvonne.

    The one word was this…AND.

    A simple 3 letter word given to me to replace a surprisingly complicated 3 letter word…BUT.

    When we are in that black hole of grieving the loss of one we love so much, through death or a permanent separation, and carry with us these long-held and unresolved hurts, disappointments, and anger…we find ourselves feeling guilty for not being able to forgive or forget, and confused because we know we how much we loved them and how terribly we do miss them.

    This emotional tug of war usually leads to our not being able to forgive ourselves for feeling so conflicted…I mean, they’re gone, right? Why hold onto those things, right? Well, it’s never easy when the things left unsaid are the first things that rise up when we remember our loved one. Clouding the good memories, the good times, the important lessons they may have taught. The laughter is always second to the tears.

    So…I was taught to change that one word, so I could do 3 things:
    Own my feelings (this is how you made me feel AND I am allowed to feel them)
    Acknowledge their reality (yes, you did hurt me AND it matters)
    Remove the guilt by allowing, in my own heart, that I can feel this way AND still love you

    This may be way off base…but I can tell you, it made all the difference for me. Once I stopped feeling guilty/weird/odd/sorry/conflicted for having both sides of this emotional battle…I was able to forgive and move on. I hope it helps my friend. xoxo

  9. Yvonne, I barely can stand right now from all I’ve been through with Rusty, so this will be short. Know I do care, and I do hope that you can *in time* not feel so sad. It took me 3 years to get over my best friend’s passing, so I understand what you are going through. When the moment is right, the sadness will lift and only a soft glow in your Heart will remain. My friend gave me Peonies while still alive, and so every year when they bloom I really do think of her and see her in these Peonies. You might want to plant something in your Dad’s memory. I leave you with BIG (((HUGS))) Amy

    • Many heartfelt thanks to you Amy ~ your peony is gorgeous ~ what a lovely gift Carol has given to you! Your photos are breathtaking, especially the one with the waterfall and the star. I wish you had comments not closed so I could write this to you on your page. But I truly thank you for the hugs, the love and the kindness that you show me. Big hugs to you. xoxo

      • Yvonne, I always have comments open. This is very unusual for me. Saving Rusty’s leg took a toll, and today, the exhaustion hit me so hard, I literally passed out. He too, today, slept deeply, a sign that we finally turned the corner. We have been going above and beyond what medicine offers and I am so grateful SO grateful to that knowledge we have studied, the prayers that came forth, and our determination to not quit. So, probably with tomorrow’s post, I will reopen comments. I really HOPE your Heart eases away from the sadness over your loss, to that of one of JOY. May you BE Blessed for Blessing me. (((HUGS))) Amy

      • Oh Amy, I love that Rusty’s leg is healing by your amazing strength, prayers, love, endurance and medicine. I am sorry to hear you passed out but I am grateful that you are both resting comfortably now. Blessings to you for blessing me xoxo Big hugs to you all! ♥

  10. I’ve thought about your dad (and CHI’s mom and dad) a lot since Halloween. I’ll share a secret with you… when it all gets a little too dark, I think of your dad the way he was the last time I was with him… in his bike shorts. I cannot help but laugh/smile…

  11. It sounds as tho you are feeling that your sadness runs deeper than the anniversary of the loss of your Dad. That overwhelming kind of melancholy than just turns everything gray. I remember spending time in that hole and wondering if I would EVER feel pleasure, again. The good news is, that yes, this WILL pass. However … you can’t make it go away quickly. Feel the pain, observe the emotions, and try to refrain from too much analysis. Be vigilant about a gratitude journal, and try to distract yourself from your mood as much as possible … like getting lost in a good book. Oh, Yvonne, I do understand. I remember how your energy gets sapped by such dark time. Sitting at a table it was just too much trouble to reach for the salt shaker. Everything was too much to deal with. But time will heal you …. Just be gentle with yourself in the meantime.

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