A Silent Journey

78636177_Original from Cafe Grace on Facebook

I am a people pleaser at heart.  In the family unit, I was the peacekeeper as well and the one who tried to mother everyone in sight.  I can’t say if it was innate or if it was a role given to me, but it was one that I tried to accomplish with gusto.  I ran around trying to help everyone, anxiously trying to make things better and keep people happy.  I would try not to ‘upset the apple cart’ on many occasions.  I was never good at confrontation and hid from it when I could.  I would rather just be peaceful and have everyone love me.

Simply put, I wanted to love them all and have them all love me.

But the last year and a 1/2 since my Dad’s passing, things have changed in me.  There’s been a break in the charm department in my life.  It’s like a crater has opened up in my heart and shown me that while I have been trying hard to please everyone in my life for so long, I have not pleased myself at all.  While I’ve been mothering the world, I’ve not mothered myself.  When there have been times I could have stood up for myself, I sat down instead and seethed.  I lived fearing that they wouldn’t love me if I didn’t meet others’ expectations and I’ve now found out that I’m right.  And it hurts.

It’s not been easy for me since my Dad passed.  I’ve tried to soldier on as best as I could.  I’ve tried to pay attention to those who needed it and tried to please the rest.  I know I’ve not done a great job, but I truly can say that I’ve tried.  Something snapped in me though and when it did, I admit that I acted out a bit.  Quite out of the ordinary for me for sure and it took everyone by storm.  It was not met with kindness and I just couldn’t explain my stubbornness.  I think I just had a temper tantrum that’s lasted and the silence that’s built up from it is deafening.

It’s very lonely in this transitional time for me.  Beloved family members have silenced me by refusing to say that they love me.  On the outside, they act normally, but we both know that they are hurt as am I.  This intense silent treatment has been hard for us all.  I don’t know how to fix things, but I know that I can’t go back to not speaking up.  I admit that I swung like a pendulum from being a people pleaser to growling at the mere mention of doing what I didn’t feel like doing.  I know it’s been a heartache as most growing pains tend to be.

Perhaps it’s my way of dealing with my overbearing father’s passing that I now don’t want anyone else to control me so I’ve become like a rebellious teenager.  Dealing with his death, 4 surgeries and learning on my own how to close his business, plus being a wife/mom, running our house plus my Mom’s was a lot for me to handle in a year ~ not to mention the grief which churned up so many memories and feelings that I had stuffed down for years.  I just don’t think anyone realized how much it was for me to handle and quite frankly, I was too busy just trying to make it through each day without doing something wrong that I wouldn’t ask for help.  In retrospect, I can see now how foolish I was because when I was drowning, I just kept trying to dog paddle my way through the days.

Because I was never given the opportunity to act up and I guess I did it with gusto.  If I’ve hurt anyone, it’s not that I meant to at all.  I just needed to find me and it’s been a long, hard, lonely journey because nobody seems to understand.  There’s so much that I dare not say, so much grieving that I’ve done alone, so much that I’ve had to forgive and let go.

I still cry for the loss of my Dad, which is a conundrum because our relationship was quite rocky ~ in fact, I cried this morning.  Grief does that I think, it sneaks up and gooses you at the strangest times.  Who knew that getting rid of my Dad’s phone number would send me in to a wailing tailspin?  Perhaps my tear ducts needed a good cleaning ~ yes, that’s it.  Believe me, they don’t need to be cleared out for another 2 years after this episode.

In the meantime, I am working on finding out who I am and not needing approval which is hard for a people pleaser like me.  It’s a long road ahead, but I’ll just keep taking my baby steps and hope that others will understand ~ I love you ~ I need you ~ I’m sorry.  Please be patient with me.  I simply am who I am.

Shine On!

xo

Daily Prompt: A Source of Anxiety

Write about a noise — or even a silence — that won’t go away. (We’ll let you interpret this in different ways…)

Photographers, artists, poets: show us ANXIETY.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/12/09/source-of-anxiety/

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26 thoughts on “A Silent Journey

  1. OH friend. I too am like this I act out especially with my family. I have said and done some pretty crazy things and on fb. I hate it. I have become silent because of this to let things settle. I always need approval from my family for some reason and of course that seems to be the very thing they withhold. But I decided the heck with them. When my Pa passed I was the one that was in charge of everything and it seemed the I helped everyone through their grief but where were my helpers when I started grieving. I know they wish I would stop posting things about my Pa so I posted them here and even made him a page. Email me if you need anything I totally am in the same spot. It only takes seconds to be in a puddle of tears for me. My Pa and my relationship really didn’t get healed until I took care of him while he was dying. So I feel your pain and I know how you feel. It’s ok to be you and be right where you are I just wanted you to know this and I love your sweet heart for showing your tender side that is sweet with the passing of your dad. I’m going to email you right now. HUGE hugs

  2. Trust me when I say I can relate, but I also think you are being too hard on yourself here. If they can’t tolerate you standing up for yourself, or you deciding that you need something different, that’s their problem not yours. Its pure selfishness for someone to not love you because you’ve changed. When someone does that its like they say “you are only valuable if you behave the way I want you too and treat me as the center of your world whenever I’m around.” Well, that’s bullshit in my opinion (excuse my French). Stay strong. I know it hurts but I think you will find peace.

  3. Thank you for sharing what you’re going through and the pain it has caused you and others. Grieving shows up so differently for people and can be so jarring that it can completely disrupt relationship gears to the point that they grind instead of smoothly mesh. I’ve often found that in such situations, if I start slowly, create opportunities to be together one-on-one with those I love, and speak from my heart while using “I” statements (rather than “you”-statements such as “You did this…” accusatory comments), people I care about will feel the love and see that I’m trying to strengthen the relationship. Most people respond well when I’m clearly focused on repairing the relationship rather than affixing blame.

  4. Hugs to you.
    Sometimes I don’t know how to make things better and I have to say a little prayer “Please make this okay.”
    I have been connecting with my higher self a little more and others who have learned to observe and not get stuck in the drama..while still honoring our stories.
    I was in quite a mess in my family. I didn’t speak to my mom for a while in order to heal and many didn’t understand..but our relationship is so good now..now they can see..I wish this for you..that you will heal and others will no doubt be touched. I’m not always graceful either.
    ♡Laurie

  5. Your post was like a great therapy session for me. That fight that has been harbored for so long must come out at sometime. Appreciate you and your sharing your heart. “LOVE” the quote…..it’s to live by, for certain! Hugs ♥ paula

  6. You know what?? I imagine there are a lot of folks who can identify with your post today. Grief is a strange thing—–it affects everyone in different ways and I always say that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone brings something different to the table and different experiences mold each of us. I am sure that your “acting out” was what you needed to do and hopefully given time those who are your loved ones will understand and come to grips with it soon. A very gutsy post and heartfelt. Thanks for sharing from your heart today!

  7. Losing a loved one or any traumatic experience in life always hits us hard and digs right down into our heart. Often we will see ourselves and life from a totally different perspective than we did before. I too was a people pleaser who required approval from others to feel good about myself. It took some serious life events to shock me into discovering who I really am and through years of hard work and patience I’m finding out that we don’t really need other people to validate us, we are awesome just the way we are. Now I’m still a people pleaser but I do it with confidence in who I am.

  8. You are coming to an awareness of your self-worth and your right to have your journey, not be controlled, and be of great inspirational service to this world. I am so proud of you! Change isn’t easy for people who don’t want to hurt anyone. But I truly believe that those who need control over you or anyone else will eventually learn that they aren’t in charge – and maybe not easily- but hopefully your growth will affect that positive lesson and change in those people. I love your gravitation to awareness and authenticity!!!

  9. I can really relate – it is comforting to know that I am not alone in how I feel. I still cry for my mom and dad and it has been 38 yrs since dad died and 32 since my mom died. The littlest thing can still set me off. So you can imagine how things set me off for my husband He was my comforter and now he is no longer here to comfort me. You wrote what has been in my heart – we walk this road of grief together. Our grief is as unique as we are – yet the pain and confusion are the same.

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