I admit, I am different. There. I said it. Many times I feel like I’m out of place ~ and sometimes when I speak, my hubby has to translate what I’m saying. It’s not that I’m speaking Spanish or any other language at the time. It’s just that sometimes, I think differently than others and it doesn’t quite translate when I try to explain myself.
For example, like today, I enjoy getting one of those emails that has a goofy gobbling singing turkey ~ and I like to send it along! Mind you, I try to only send it to those whom I think will giggle at the gobbler, but sometimes my giggling gobbler is met with annoyance. For as much as I’m busy throughout my day and enjoy getting a giggle break, there are others whom do not find it amusing. And I feel sorry for them. By the way, I don’t do it often either so it’s not like there’s a barrage of stupid emails that I send out!
Then there’s when I want to say something that I think is really important and the words simply and suddenly elude me. So I’ll start strong, speaking fluently and then just stop. Dead stop. And I can’t think of what I am trying to say. It’s so frustrating to me and it’s frustrating for whomever I’m speaking with! I know, I get it. But it’s more worrisome to me than it is to my listener as it reminds me that after 15 surgeries, there are some definite brain cells missing that haven’t found their way home and probably won’t at this point. Which could make me sad, but instead, I try to look on the bright side ~ I will survive ~ I can speak, I can understand and I can tell those closest to me that I love them!
I’m aware of my goofyness ~ I’m aware that I think differently than most people. I’m most definitely aware that my body is scarred and not the form that most women are ~ and that bothers me too. It’s hard to be a 40 something year old woman who has the skin, the hair, the body of a much older woman due to breast cancer and all that it involves. It’s difficult to not feel most parts of my body due to being numbed by multiple surgeries. It’s not a blessing to feel this insecure about how I look even though I try to pretend that I’m ok with the reality.
For the record, I’m not ok with it. But I can’t go back so I just keep inching forward. It’s all I can do really.
I’m not saying this for pity’s sake. I’m just telling you the reality of the disease. Chemo packs a punch to the system, changes our skin, our hair and our bodies and minds forever. Radiation does this as well. Not to mention the foremost physical part which is damaging mentally and emotionally as well which is the removal of our breasts and the huge scars that are left in their place. The loss of feeling, the loss of intimacy. There’s a lot to it.
But nobody talks about those things which always surprises me. When Angelina Jolie had her breasts removed prophelatically, people applauded. But the reality is that her breasts were removed, the feeling in parts of her breasts was removed as well and that was never mentioned once. I don’t mean to start a firestorm here because I too had both removed and only one had cancer at the time so I understand her motives. I’m just saying that it’s not so easy.
Whew…how in the world did I get on this vein of thinking today, I’ll never know. Perhaps there’s a reader out there who needed a little bit of understanding and camaraderie. So if there is, then this one’s for you and my post in not all in vain.
Be Yourself. Love Yourself.
P.S. Want the Gobbler Giggle? Click here!
Let me know if you sang along, I Will Survive!
Daily Prompt: Land of Confusion
Tell us about a time when you felt out of place.
Photographers, artists, poets: show us CONFUSION.
I loved the gobbler giggle and I sang along. I also love this post because, to some extent, I know how you feel. No, I haven’t faced the challenges you have to your body, but I do know how it feels to be disconnected in some way from yourself and others. I do know how it feels to not be able to embrace the changes in a body that I never learned to love. I know how it feels to be different. And now I feel a tiny bit less alone.
Big hugs to you Lisa. You are not alone. We hold hands, we are connected. Life is good. ♥
You offer support to any and all – for in truth, whether facing the arduous challenges of breast cancer, or hindered by one’s fear/insecurities/doubts in some other area, you are assuring us all.
Thanks Mimi…I’m glad that’s how it came across b/c that’s what I was hoping for…xo
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for reading. ♥
I am weird too..different… I am going take the singing turkey.. and post around..
Enjoy the singing turkey! Wasn’t it a hoot? 🙂
You’re still “perfect” as far as I’m concerned. Was curious about your take on AJ, thanks for sharing!
I stayed out of the the fray when the Angelina story broke, but that’s how I feel! xo You are perfect in my eyes too! xo
My sister survivor, I can’t say I know exactly how you feel…but I know. I see the scars every day. The good news is that since my book came out I also hear from women all over the globe who are facing this, some alone without a good caregiver, and the support from the online community is sometimes all they have. I am not prone to sentimentality (to say the least!), but they have tugged at my heartstrings and reminded me that for those of us who made it through; scars, frankenboobs, numbness and all, we have a gift to offer to others. Maybe it’s not what we signed up for, and certainly not what we would have chosen, but at least we can use the experience to help others. OK, that’s about as inspirational as you’ll get from my goofball self.
And on the bright side, my original boobs used to hurt when it got really cold outside. Now, I could stick them in a freezer and poke them with a fork…painless. 🙂 XOXOXO
Giggle Giggle for your last comment. I agree ~ we can help others by sharing ~ I love your book by the way! It was awesome ~ just like your attitude! xoxo
Takes one to know one!
This really touched me ♡ I am trying to rejoin the world after going deep ib search of healing…experiencing things I just can’t express..wanting to help others..and wondering if i will have the words. I needed this today as I have a meeting about the program I found myself trying to get into the school. Not sure what my part is..but willing to keep taking steps. I definitely like this mindfulness thing..in the school or somewhere else. Thanks for being so honest with your sharing. I think the world needs us.. however we can express. ♡♡♡
Presence …it’s about presence! My mentor spent s long time with me last night..and it didn’t matter so much what she said. It was that presence!
You are so right my dear ~ I am so glad that my post resonated with you! xoxoxo
Thank you, Misifusa. A dear loved one went through what you’ve gone through and it helps to hear a woman’s perspective. You are helping women and men with such posts. The more men understand about what women go through, the more understanding we may be able to be to women.
Thank you Russ ~ I appreciate your kindness. 🙂
I clicked on the link & enjoyed it!
Gracias por la sonrisa 🙂
De nada. xo
Loved the gobbler, but I loved the honesty and strength of this post more. *hugs*
Thank you Rara! xo
i know the feelings you speak of. i feel them too and i know how overwhelming they can be. i used to let it really get to me but i realize that we are all different, yet still so much the same as the person sitting next to us.
i often tell myself (and my son too) that this world would be so very boring if we were all the same 🙂 x
Maria, how right you are! Thanks for visiting! ♥