Intense Sunset

The sun has set on the life of a dear friend of mine whom I’ve known since I was 14.  My heart grieves, huge heaping tears which wrack my body from my core, erupting in gasps, tears and a very snotty nose.  I am so very sad although I am very grateful that he is finally at peace.  For you see, he had terminal cancer and he just wasn’t ever going to get better.  I hadn’t seen him in a few years, but we’d kept in touch via his family.  I knew bits and pieces from his Mom and his family and although he never answered any of the cards I sent him, I knew he got them and I hoped that they made him smile.

For the one thing I’ve learned since my own Dad’s death is that we are all human.  We have foibles.  We’ve made choices that perhaps in hindsight, we regret.  But there are always those things that shine in our lives as well.  For those whom we leave behind, we leave moments of grandeur, of beauty, of brilliance.  Perhaps it is a hug when truly needed, perhaps it was a connection when we felt alone.  Perhaps it was simply being a friend when friendship was needed.  These sometimes fleeting gestures are what our memories hold onto when the sun has set for them and all that is left for us here on Earth are the memories.

CAngel and I had a long history.  He helped me through some tough times and had soft spot in his heart even though he could appear blustery.  Perhaps that’s what happens as we age.  There were shared memories that we held and his kindness to me has never been forgotten.  He was there for me when no one else could reach me.  He dared to brave my stubbornness at a time when I had fooled all the others.  He cared as a friend, reached out to hold my hand and walk with me when I didn’t want to walk.

I loved his sweet soul even though his human self got lost.  The layers of time didn’t help him.  The demons that he faced at times were too much.  I hope that his children will be reminded of that sweet side of their Dad for it was there ~ he had a way of being goofy when he wanted to get you to laugh ~ Beaker from the Muppets always reminds me of him as his rendition was a guaranteed giggle from me.  We went to the Prom together many moons ago and his protectiveness still lingers when I recall that time in my life.  He watched out for me.  He wasn’t afraid to be silly in order to get a smile ~ he was carefree and easy back then.  He laughed, he smiled, he loved life.

I used to babysit for his sisters whom I always felt close to even though they were younger than me.  CAngel taught me that when you throw magazines into the fireplace that they make the fire change into beautiful colors.  We once used all of magazines in the house, watching the fire burn blues, greens and golds for hours.  I’m certain his parents had a lot of ash to clean out of the fireplace after we were through.  I remember laughing with him often.  Thinking of him now brings a smile to my face for I am grateful for having known him.  The move Ferris Bueller reminds me of him.  He would have been a perfect Ferris.

He came into my life at the perfect time.  We always remained friends even though I hadn’t seen him in years.  If he had called and asked me for a favor, I would have helped him.  Considering we both endured cancer although different kinds, I wanted him to find the lessons that I learned and to be able to walk away from it with grace, dignity and the ability to find the presents in being present.  I cannot say if he found those gifts since he wasn’t able to speak anymore.  I can only say that I wish I’d done more, sent more cards, pushed to chat with him even though he hadn’t wanted to talk.  Selfish of me, I know.

He leaves behind a loving family ~ a caring ex-wife and 3 beautiful children.  They now have a Daddy in Heaven which breaks my heart.  His parents, his sisters and their families all feel the burden of this sadness.  His Mom in particular who battled cancer herself and has been my rock for years, will have to find peace now in knowing that her only son resides in the Heavens.

Tears continue to plop onto my keyboard as I write this post.  Big, fat drops of sadness.  I knew it would make me sad when I learned he had passed away, but I wasn’t ready for the intensity of my feelings.  Does it make me feel my own mortality?  Does it make me realize the pricelessness of my family’s love, my sons’ hugs and my husband’s kisses?  Does it make a difference in my daily life?  Does it remind me how fleeting these moments and days and years can be?  Does it allow me the space in my heart to weather any storms that may come my way because I am still here?  Does it erase the excuses that I put up in front of myself everyday ~ too busy to reach out, too busy to exercise, too busy to fill in the blank?  Yes. Yes. Yes.

I send out love to CAngel ~ may you find peace ~ “You Are Worth It” as you once told me. 

Rest in Peace dear friend.  You are loved by many.

Shine On!

xo

Daily Prompt: Intense!

by michelle w. on November 5, 2013

Describe the last time you were surprised by the intensity of a feeling you had about something, or were surprised at how strongly you reacted to something you thought wouldn’t be a big deal.

Photographers, artists, poets: show us INTENSE.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/11/05/daily-prompt-intense/