Many of us who have endured tragedy, illness and trauma have asked the question, “Why me God?” and I am no exception. I asked because I thought I didn’t deserve the breast cancer that riddled my body. I raged because I believed the punishment of cancer was unfair. I pitied myself. I cried. I was depressed. I stomped around my house when no one was looking. I was bald, in pain from surgeries and swollen by the amount of steroids and chemotherapy that were killing the cancer cells along with healthy cells. I threw myself into a heap on the bed yowling in pain physically, emotionally and mentally. I didn’t do this often, but when I did, it was like a child’s temper tantrum towards his parent (God). My ultimate was when I gathered myself into a small ball and snuggled into the strong, protective arms of my husband like a child, sobbing into his tear-stained chest wishing he could just carry me for awhile and I could just melt inside of his chest.
But because I was a Mom of 2 little ones ages 1 and 3 years, I couldn’t do that often. For the most part, I smiled, I faked how I felt. I tried to make their lives as normal as possible while my tired body wept at night or in the shower. Luckily for me, they were young so they didn’t really understand the magnitude of what I was enduring and what they were witnessing. Now when they look back at the family photos when I was not wearing my wig, they don’t remember clearly when I was bald. They are surprised a bit by what they see. But as young children, bald or wigged, I was still Mom.
Still me. That’s one of the important lessons I learned from enduring breast cancer. No matter what has happened in my life, I am still me. I”m still in there somewhere amidst the layers of pain. My core of being that gal who sees life through rose-colored glasses, who sees the glass 1/2 full, who loves hugs, flowers and my beautiful life still shines brightly.
Sure, I’ve lost touch with that gal from time to time, but something always brings me back to her because that’s who I am. Sure, I can say I’ve endured breast cancer. I’ve endured many things in my life. But at the heart of who I am, breast cancer just made my life richer. It added layers of life changing events which made me dig deeply inside to find inner strength that without those low points in my life, I’d never have known I had ~ without being tested, I would have never had the opportunity to find my light, my inspiration, my blessings, my Presents of Presence.
So the next time you ask “Why me God?’ in a fervent voice, know that somewhere down the line in this journey of life, you will realize your answer ~ it’s because you can.
My heartfelt thanks to one of my favorite bloggers from whom I took the quote above and made it my own. Thank you Chalkboard Quotes ~ you inspired my post today!