So it’s coming up on the one year anniversary of my Dad’s passing and I guess I’m feeling a bit weepy these days. I just can’t seem to get myself organized to actually write a decent post, so I’ve been quiet because I just don’t seem to have the energy to write. It seems like he’s been gone for a very long time and yet at other moments, it seems like he just left.
I think because I’ve dedicated the entire past year to my Mom and her grief, Dad’s business and taking care of all of the things that Dad did, that I’ve not allowed myself to truly grieve. I’ve had bouts of tears and they’ve been bubbling below the surface for a long time. But I’ve had to be strong for everyone else, forging through the mountains of paperwork, sifting through the calls, the sympathy cards and taking care of his business all the while, taking care of everyone else but me, so they haven’t been allowed to flow freely. They’ve been held back, measured and given freedom in small doses.
Not a healthy choice, I know. But it was my choice, what I thought was what I was supposed to do, what I should do and had to do and what I needed to do as the caregiver, the elder daughter and the peacekeeper. But it’s come to my attention, that I need to make time for me now. It’s just hard to extricate myself from the role that I was handed by default and taken up since he passed.
I know that change is hard and that self-change is hard as well. When I change, I know that it probably won’t be met with acceptance by the others. Surely there will be a transitional period of time that may not be comfortable for us all. But it is necessary now. I have done my duty and now I need some time for myself.
I need to grieve.
So please excuse Little Miss Inspirational’s downtime, but in stretching out of my comfort zone, I’m taking care of me. I know it’s not going to be easy, but I know it will be worth it.
Thanks for your support and understanding.
In the meantime, keep stretching out of your comfort zones and…