Please indulge me today with a longer post because it’s the beginning of the end of a chapter in our family as well ~ in our 3rd week in ICU with not much change, we are unsure of the future. I have unashamedly wished often over the last few days for a glimpse at a crystal ball. I am a planner and I like to KNOW ~ I can usually go with the flow, but now I find I am anxious for the future for my family.
I awoke this morning remembering how as a girl in school, we would happily make those paper chain links of green and red and put them around the classroom. Everyday we would cut off a link to symbolize one day closer to Christmas vacation. It occurred to me that I am doing the opposite now with my Dad ~ I beg to add one of those green or red slips of paper so that we can have MORE TIME with him.
Of all the material goods in the world, all that many strive for ~ the one thing that we truly long for is more time…when it comes down to it, we want more time here. But this thought process isn’t serving me now and I’ve stopped begging for God/Universe to give us more time with my Dad. I’m reminded of my favorite quote from Dr. Wayne Dyer, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change,” and I am shifting my thought process.
I believe in Heaven and I once dreamt that I died and went to Heaven. I can still recall the dream as it was so vivid. I was in my 20’s at the time and the dream has served me well as I’ve never been afraid to die ~ sad to leave my family and friends here on Earth, but never afraid to experience the wonders of the beautiful Heaven that I experienced in my dream.
So when I change the way I look at what’s happening, I can be happy that my Dad will experience Heaven soon ~ where there’s no pain, only love and where he’ll wait for us until it’s our turn. When I think of him being released from his Earthly body that’s breaking down, I can smile, knowing that his spirit lives on and can be free of the bonds of his physical body.
But it’s hard because I don’t want to grow up now. I want to be a Daddy’s girl forever and if my Daddy isn’t here, then I’m not a girl anymore. Selfish I know, but it’s how I feel this morning. I wrestle with how I feel about his imminent passing ~ I want him to be peaceful and I want him here and I can’t have both.
So I will tell you that I am Grateful for Time I’ve already had with him…Grateful that this transition has been slow moving so that we 3, AAngel, Mom and me could bond and move together through it. I am Grateful For Mother’s Day when we sat and talked for a few hours as it’s the last great memory I had of him. I am Grateful that he came to visit me when I was just out of the hospital…and that we both showed patience and love that day.
I don’t know what today will bring and I’ve given up the crystal ball. Plans out the window, I’m not asking for knowledge that’s not mine to know now ~ I’m going with the flow today. So when you don’t think you can give up the way you are thinking, believe me ~ You Can… because if you let it…